children
My Childlessness Is Not My Fault
It may seem that way, as I am using the possessive adjective to describe the fact that I am childless. That my life did not turn out the way I expected it would. But the more important issue is that human beings tend to blame each other for things we cannot control. My childlessness is not my fault.
If you are a Bible reader, you may recall the story of the man with the shriveled or withered hand. The Disciples asked Jesus if it was his parent’s fault or his, why his hand was withered. Jesus’ answer was ‘it’s nobody’s fault.’
Be honest, have you never wondered to yourself ‘what in the world did he/she do to deserve that?’ when you see something bad, horrible, or horrific happen to someone. You may have even heard someone verbalize it as ‘karma’, or ‘what goes around comes around’. As human beings, we figure it’s just payback.
But isn’t it possible that stuff just happens? Don’t we live in a world where stuff really just happens? I believe we do. Yes, I believe to an extent that what goes around comes around. That we should treat people the way we would want to be treated. But we all know that it rains on the just and the unjust. The difference though is how we manage the cards we have been dealt. In fact, having or obtaining the tools for managing the cards we have been dealt.
I believe one of those tools for any problem or issue you or I have, is community. I strongly believe that when we belong to a community of strong, positive, people who want to get better and not wallow in the self-pity of what happened to us or what did not happen for us. Community protects us from those who secretly or passive-aggressively nicely tell us that we did not pray hard enough for a child. Some of us are told not to give up even though we no longer have a uterus. Indeed, some are told so even when they were born without one. I especially like the ‘well, it was not meant to be’. It is one of my favorites. Right up there with ‘you should be happy you don’t have kids, they are a lot of work’. These are the same people who tell you that ‘you don’t have kids, so you would not understand.’
And sometimes these remarks come from the lips of the same person. ‘Be glad you don’t have kids, they are a lot of work’, and ‘you wouldn’t understand, you don’t have kids.’ Which one of us seems unhinged? Because unhinged, among other things, is what many childless women are called. And God forbid if we are also single. Then we are weird, overzealous with our nieces and nephews, lonely, clingy, needy, or mean.
Society says that’s why we did not get married or have children: We chose the career over the kid, or as a friend of my mom once told her, I was too picky. Mind you, this woman couldn’t pick me out in a crowd. She knew nothing about me, but she knew I was being too picky and that is why I never married. 
Well, regardless of the cards we have been dealt, I believe we can all be weird, overzealous with the children in our lives, clingy, needy, picky, or mean! After all, we are all human beings first, and none of us are what has happened to us or what did not happen for us, however.
So the next time your initial response is to blame someone for their ‘condition’, do a quick self-check and remind yourself ‘it’s not my fault it’s not your fault. Stuff happens.’ How we deal our cards is what sets us apart.
Elderly and childless, are you ready?
Elderly and Childless
As I get older, I’ve been thinking about what it might be like to be elderly and childless. Sometimes it is at the forefront of my thoughts, sometimes it is in the back of my mind. Either way, getting old and having no children is on my mind constantly. Not in a negative, overpowering, or dreaded way; but more like a low, just audible hum. I wonder as an elderly woman if I will be properly taken care of by strangers, if I must enter a long-term care or elder care facility. What if my mind goes and I am at the will and whim of strangers?
Those are valid thoughts and fears, aren’t they?
I am constantly thinking about the childless not by choice woman, at all ages and stages of her life. I am regularly asked what age group I have in mind when dealing with the childless, not by choice demographic. It’s all ages. From the time a woman finds out she cannot have children and on into her elder years. I don’t believe a woman ever heals from the hurt of childlessness. In fact, I am noticing more (affluent) women in their 40’s and 50’s, adopting or surrogating babies. Hoda Kotb, Janet Jackson, and Tyra Banks; to name a few.
Elderly Planning & Childlessness
But those of us who were just not able to have children or to adopt must have a plan. I interviewed Reshell Smith, a financial services advisor to discuss finances for the childless not by choice woman around the world. Click here to listen to our interview: Global Finance for Women
The plan can and should range from having a solid financial plan which includes but is not limited to the following: a life insurance policy or enough saved to bury yourself and pay off your debts. Purchasing a long-term care insurance plan. Having an idea of where you would like to live as you age. There are assisted living facilities where you still have some autonomy, but there is staff on hand if you need assistance. Then as you get older, a full-fledged nursing home. You cannot wait until you are too advanced in age to purchase insurance. At that point, insurance would be unaffordable or unattainable.
Our human nature tends to make us ignore the fact that if we live long enough, we will become elderly. The plans we need when we are elderly should have been obtained when they were affordable, during our younger years. There is a saying, ‘Those who fail to plan, plan to fail.’–Benjamin Franklin.
You remember when you were young don’t you and you thought you would be young forever. You probably even thought you were invincible. I know I did! And now I look ahead, reminding my Podcast listeners and my blog readers, to plan; hoping we make it to our end with our dignity intact. All while not having even one child to at least in part rely upon.
Finance & Care
We don’t have children to take care of us in our elder years but because we want them. We want to love and nurture them into wonderful adults. At least that is the general idea.
What of elderly and childless, women and men, in countries where there is not even the minimal governmental plan, i.e. social security, Medicare, Medicaid? If you live in a country where at least social security exists, you have the opportunity for some semblance of a plan. Remember the elderly who live in countries where elder assistance does not exist, when you think you are too broke to have a plan.
And yes, even those with children, have no guarantee that any one of them would spare, create, or have the time to help them. Children are not a retirement plan, at least not in the Western world. No matter where in the world you live, have a plan.
Childless not by Choice, 10 Things a Childless Not by Choice Woman Will Never Do
10 Things a Childless not by Choice Woman Will Never Do
Have you ever thought about it? There are certain things our sisters with children do, that those of us who never had children will never do!
Lately I have been hearing from people who either have children or are not ready to have children yet. Some of the resounding comments include: ‘I didn’t know!’ And ‘I have always wondered about my friend/neighbor/co-worker, but did not know how to ask.’ Well honestly, I would only want someone to ask if they were sincere, and then I don’t know how much I would want to share with people over and over. Which is where, my podcast comes in.
You get all of your questions answered without approaching someone who might not want to talk about it!
Well, I am sure this episode will be an eye-opener and an all around light bulb moment for most listeners!
So! Thank you for coming in and listening to another episode of 21st Century Hannah! I appreciate your taking the time to stop by!
Repeat listeners, childless not by choice or not: thank you. I am truly humbled. First time listeners, childless not by choice or not, thank you! Please come back and join the family!
Everyone: I hope you are telling your friends about the show. Feel free to share the show to your social media followers! I would appreciate that!
S0, 10 Things a Childless not by Choice Woman Will Never Do. (this is by no means an exhaustive list):
A childless not by choice woman will never go through the ‘dreaded labor’ her sisters with children will go through and complain about. But she is just as strong as her sisters with children.
A childless not by choice woman will never watch her baby make a face when he or she tastes a food for the first time.
A childless not by choice woman will never watch her baby walk for the first time.
A childless not by choice woman will never stay up all night with a colicky baby. But she will choose not to stay up all night grieving that fact.
A childless not by choice woman will never stare into a crib in awe and wonder at a being she co-created. But she will pray for her nieces and nephews as they make their way into the world.
A childless not by choice woman will never get to correct a toddler who told her ‘no!’, shake her head at a teenager who thinks he or she knows it all, or feel the sting of disappointment from a child who made a bad decision. But she will make herself available to lend an ear to her sister or brother for those moments.
A childless not by choice woman will never feel the pride of watching her child graduate kindergarten, middle school, high school and college. But she will feel the pride in knowing she was there to help get them to that moment.
A childless not by choice woman will never feel comfortable sitting with a group of women who are chatting about their children, no matter how she may seem on the outside. But she will continue to become strong enough to do it if she must.
A childless not by choice woman will always have a little empty space in her heart. But she will be sure to fill that space with peace, joy, love, and relevance.
A childless not by choice woman has a choice to make: Live a life of bitterness and sadness, or choose to do the best with the cards that have been dealt. I know you can do it!
My contact information:
Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @civilla1
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
Until next time! Bye!
Childless not by Choice, What do I do with the rest of my life?
21st Century Hannah is a radio show, a series of books, my platform. In 21st Century Hannah, I talk to women like myself, who wanted but could not have children.
I believe the topic of childlessness not by choice is a subject that is typically avoided in society. I believe God has prompted me to start the conversation.
I have written a 31-day devotional, and I am working on a 365-day devotional. If you have a similar story, or you know someone who does, this show is for you!
Contact information:
email: civilla@civillamorgan.com
website: https://childlessnotbychoice.net
Facebook: BooksbyCivillaMorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @civillam1
Pinterest: Civilla Morgan
