Reflections
Episode 180–The Final Episode
Hello, and welcome to episode 180 of the Childless Not by Choice Podcast. My name is Civilla Morgan. My mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men worldwide, reminding us that we can live joyful, relevant, and fulfilled lives.
Whether you have children or not, thank you for tuning in!
What is today’s show about?
This is the final episode of the Childless not by Choice Podcast
Special thank you to:
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You, the listener
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Supporters
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My podcast producer, Rob
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Say So Marketing for managing my websites
My contact information:
Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
Thank you for listening to the Childless not by Choice Podcast!
Episode 171–Love or Indifference
Hello, and welcome to episode 171 of the Childless not by Choice Podcast. My name is Civilla Morgan. My mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men worldwide, reminding us that we can live joyful, relevant, fulfilled, childless not by choice, lives.
Whether you have children or not, thank you for tuning in!
What is today’s show about?
Love
Thank you Patreon contributors:
I want to thank my Patreon contributors, the people who contribute monthly to the platform.
Your contributions help pay the salaries of my podcast producer and host, Zoom, where I interview most of my guests, and other expenses. Thank you very much!
If you are not yet a Patron, visit patreon.com/childlessnotbychoice to set up your monthly contribution. No matter your giving level, I have a gift for you!
If you prefer to give via PayPal, you can find me there at booksbycivillamorgan@gmail.com.
Your contributions to the platform are greatly appreciated! Thank you!
https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice
Questions or comments? Contact me at:
Email: Info@civillamorgan.com
Or
Visit the website at http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, look to the left on the home screen, and click on the link below the telephone to leave me an up to 90-second voicemail.
Body of episode:
When I was thinking about the content for this episode, I considered discussing the different types of love. Love of parents. Love of a child. Falling in love. You know, love.
But then I wondered, what is the opposite of love? My immediate response would be hate. You would think so. But I like writer Elie Weisel’s opinion on the opposite of love: indifference.
He also said “The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference” and “The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference”.
Indifference. What do you think about when you hear the word indifference? I believe indifference is the easy way out. Indifference takes less brain power, less critical thinking, less effort. And I believe indifference can be dangerous.
We are living in a world where indifference seems to reign. And I believe it is reigning due to fear. Many people are afraid of the way our world is going. There is a lot of hate and division taking place globally. Most people opt to lay low, get to work, run errands, and then run back home. And I get it. There are a lot of stressed-out people out in those streets. And most people do not handle stress well. They become angry, blame, and take out their frustrations on the nearest object, and dare I say, person?
Life has not been easy since the dawn of time. We were promised that with more technology we would have more time to relax. But even though we have washing machines and microwaves, we are still so busy we barely have time to sleep.
Stress, anger, lack of sleep, and the list goes on. They all add up to a scary situation. A scary society.
Regardless, despite, what is going on in the world, I want to remind you that you matter. Your feelings matter. Your life matters. Your livelihood matters. Your existence matters. No matter where in the world you are listening to me from, you matter. I know I say this all the time, but every human on this planet was made in the image of God.
I get that this podcast is heard globally, by people of different faiths, or not. And different belief systems. But if you have been listening to me for any length of time, you know I am a Believer. And that means I believe in God. I believe Jesus was not just a prophet, a nice guy. I believe in The Holy Trinity. And with that belief system, I believe what the Bible says. And I try every day, to live by what it says. I don’t wear a cross around my neck because it’s fashionable. I believe what it stands for. And I try to live my life by what it stands for. I am not perfect, but the Bible calls us to perfection, it never says we will be perfect. We just need to spend out lives working toward it. Toward being better humans to each other. Better neighbors.
I know some of my listeners are Hindu, Moslem, Jewish, agnostic, Christian, Catholic, atheist. And that’s what I want. I want all of you to listen and hear healing words for your broken heart. Hearts broken like mine, because we did not get to have the children we wanted. From day one, 10 years ago, I said I wanted everyone to listen, and get help from this podcast, no matter your personal beliefs or where in the world you live. And it happened!
Thank you for tuning in month after month. Thank you for feedback. Thank you for ratings and reviews over on Apple. Thank you for all of it!
It has not always been an easy ride, but it was what I set out to do. I did not realize how hard it would be sometimes. I remember when I lost my first podcast producer. He taught me just about everything I know about the art of podcasting. But it was time for him to move on. That was a tough time for me.
I have recorded episodes with guests that sounded so bad I cried. I wanted to give up on podcasting many times. There were guest requests I had to turn down because I was going with my gut, not necessarily because there was anything wrong with the guest.
There have been difficult decisions that had to be made, that literally left me crying for days. You may ask why put yourself through that? It’s not even like I am getting millions of downloads per month. In the scheme of things I am smack dab in the middle of average when it comes to downloads.
Caring for my parents while working and creating content, that was really hard. As a caregiver the work world doesn’t really care that you are balancing sick parents, doctors appointments, a walker and a wheelchair, with trying to hang on to income. I hope one day caregivers will be recognized for all the work we do which actually saves money for our governments.
Living life, grieving, working, creating. It was all happening in real-time for me.
And now here I am. Here we are. Life continues. It moves on, with or without us. Life is like a train that has to keep a schedule. You may be running late. You may not have the fare. Life may be interrupting, but she’s leaving the station on time.
You know, I always say, life is short. It will pass us by whether we live it to our fullest or not. It will pass us by whether we live someone else’s life or we live our own lives. The lives we were given. Live your life. Lovc your life. Love your family and friends, but be sure to love your life.
Articles/links of interest:
https://www.sportschosun.com/k-drama/2025/02/crayon-pop-cho-ah-who-has-been-childless-for-46747
Special thank you to:
Love
My contact information:
Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
https://www.teepublic.com/stores/childless-not-by-choice
Episode 170–Meditation by Bindi Shah
Intro:
Hello, and welcome to episode 170 of the Childless not by Choice Podcast. My name is Civilla Morgan. My mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men worldwide, reminding us that we can live joyful, relevant, fulfilled, childless not by choice, lives.
Whether you have children or not, thank you for tuning in!
What is today’s show about?
Meditiation by Bindi Shah
Body of episode:
Bindi’s Meditation Recording
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This Meditation was created by Bindi to help us get the year off to a great start!
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NOTE TO LISTENER: Please listen when you can relax and really take in the information—not while driving.
Bindi’s Contact Information:
bindishah.com
Articles/links of interest:
https://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-169-my-conversation-with-bindi-shah/
Special thank you to:
Bindi Shah
My contact information:
Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
https://www.teepublic.com/stores/childless-not-by-choice
Thank you Patreon contributors:
I want to thank my Patreon contributors, the people who make a monthly financial contribution to the platform.
Your contributions help pay my podcast producer, host, Zoom, where I interview most of my guests, and other expenses. Thank you very much!
If you are not yet a Patron, visit patreon.com/childlessnotbychoice to set up your monthly contribution. No matter your giving level, I have a gift for you!
If you prefer to give via PayPal, you can find me there at booksbycivillamorgan@gmail.com.
Your contributions to the platform are greatly appreciated! Thank you!
https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice
Questions or comments? Contact me at:
Email: Info@civillamorgan.com
Or
Visit the website at http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, look to the left on the home screen and click on the link below the telephone to leave me an up to 90-second voicemail.
The Only One In The Room podcast interview
Hello. My name is Civilla Morgan, and I am the only one in the room who is childless not by choice.
I was interviewed on The Only One In The Room podcast! It is always a pleasure to be asked to talk about the childless not by choice experience to the world. This time was no different, and I really loved this interview. Click the link to listen!
https://megaphone.link/LAV6430207146
Bitter
Beware, Here comes The Holidays!
As we approach the holidays, I want to remind the childless not by choice community as well as those who have children, that we must consider each other. Recently, I heard commentary from someone who just allowed words to tumble out of their mouth because they are living a life they by all means expected to live.
They probably cannot understand those of us who by luck of the draw got none of it–no husband, no two and a half kids, no white picket fence. As I listened to this person I recalled thinking to myself, ‘keep your mouth shut girly, you can’t bat every ball.’ The comment from this mother was so generalized it was grievous.
Here’s the thing, if someone’s child is unruly in public, most of us would try to ignore the situation, or just move away. After all, children are typically afforded the space to be children. And I personally believe they should be children for as long as possible!
Unfortunately, some people do not know how to let kids be kids, so they verbalize their aggravation, and that of course, can make most parents upset. I believe even childless people know that children need room to grow physically, mentally, and emotionally.
If someone says something mean to a mother about her child, of course, that is never nice. Who knows what she may be going through with the child or in her life in general. Still, it should not be assumed that the person who verbalized their aggravation does not and should not have children. If that is the thought process, who is being mean now?
Look, I believe the reason society continues to propagate that mothers are more important than childless women is due to the innate need for humans to perpetuate the species. Perpetuating the species is a natural thing. This means though, that we will continue to hear mean spirited thoughts and belief systems spilling out of people’s mouths. They may not mean to be mean, in every instance. But the fact is, society tends to believe that once a woman has a child she is elevated to a special place, while childless women remain low on the totem pole. We are seen as society’s packing peanuts.
What use are you exactly? Why are you here? Those are the questions we as childless women and men will have to answer on our own; without any assistance from friends, family, or strangers. Because everyone has an opinion, and we definitely do not want to hear the opinion or beliefs of someone who is not living our type of life. The fact is, if we are here, we are indeed here for a reason, whether we have children or not. And like every other human, we will figure out our purpose.
After all, no human being should ever have to explain his or her existence. We belong here. And in fact, we childless women and men, expect to have our place at the table.
As I have said on the podcast, https://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-105-my-interview-with-pamela-mahoney-tsigdinos/ we pay taxes too. We buy groceries, we go on vacation, and we enjoy our family and friends. We do indeed make beautiful, regular, normal contributions to society. We are wonderful aunts, caregivers, scientists, artists, siblings, bosses, guardians, employees, etc. Just like any other demographic in society. We should not have to explain this, but alas, we seem to have to. Regularly.
Let’s explain with our lives. With our decision to be happy. With our relevance. With our joy.
This holiday season, we will, as usual, attend the family get-togethers. We will attend the work parties. We will cook, bake, be a shoulder for our nieces and nephews, and whatever it is we find ourselves doing. But we will feel 
empowered to leave any gathering where we do not feel valued. We will create kind but firm boundaries, and exercise those boundaries with people who feel they have the right to speak to us in any manner they wish because our lives, the cards we have been dealt, do not meet their standards.
We will live the life we have been given to its fullest. As we all should. Because whether we got that family or not, life is very short, and we cannot afford to live in fear of society. Society will march on long after we are gone. And although by our very existence it is possible to change society’s apparent died in the wool opinions and expectations, that is not all we were placed on this earth to do. We are also here to live our best most relevant and joyful lives!
This holiday season, if you are a childless not by choice woman or man, remember you deserve to be here, there, or anywhere. Ignore the naysayers. Walk into that party or family gathering like you belong there. Because you do!
Finding comfort through Sadey
Yes, my dogs have birthday parties and get ice cream cones in the drive through! My dogs are my babies. I do not pretend that they are human, but I love them and care for them the best way I can. They are not spoiled. They are just very well taken care of. You see, I did not choose to be childless. I did not choose to be a dog mom. It just happened. One day I went to a pet adoption event and there she was. A black fur ball who had just been spayed. Our eyes locked and I knew she was mine. I had found a soul mate. Sadey was 3 at the time and lived 15 more years with us. At a family Christmas party early in December 2001, I watched her tail go faster and faster as my husband helped my niece open a talking Care Bear. I saw her disappointment when she realized it was not for her. On another Christmas Eve, I ran around to several Walmart stores, searching for a talking Care Bear for my baby. I found one on my third Walmart stop. I took the last one on the shelf and honestly, I would have fought anyone who tried to take it from me. She loved that bear and she deserved that bear. To me, she deserved anything as I could never repay her for all she gave to me. We had many more adventures together; cabin trips, camping, parks, and just being together. In 2008 my depression was bad and Sadey comforted me. She was an angel here on this earth. One day in 2016 she looked at us and we both knew it was time. She wanted to go home. We had the doctor come to our home and she locked eyes with me one more time and took her last breath. I believe she is in heaven waiting for us. Sadey gave me a purpose. I was able to take care of her and in return, I found the most selfless love I have ever found. I know that animals are here to comfort us. That is why they are used as therapy animals. They break down the toughest barriers with their unconditional love. Studies show that the hormone released when breastfeeding is the same hormone released when petting a dog. Not only in the human but also in the dog. That hormone helps in the bonding process. It helps with depression. But I do not need science to prove to me that pets make a difference. Sadey had such a special spirit that she filled the void of being childless. I did not even realize I was missing something. When she died it was hands down the hardest time for me because I not only grieved the loss of my fur baby but I grieved never having a human child. I did not think anything could help me. I did not think I could love another dog like Sadey. Then we found Madi and she helped heal a lot of my loss. She will never be Sadey but she is helpful in different ways. Life is hard without Sadey but I can’t imagine it without Madi. I actually did not even look for this group until after we found Madi. We are not meant to go through this life alone. If it is a bird, rabbit, cat, or pig; whatever animal you connect with; your heart needs that unconditional love connection. Allow your pets to help you heal.
Featured image by http://paintingbyrebeccacooper.com |
Childless not by Choice and Finding Joy as a Youth Camp Counselor
This year I was asked to oversee a church youth girls camp. The girls ranged from 12-18. I almost laughed out loud and then I realized they were serious. I went home to think about it and started crying and laughing at the same time as I asked God, “Is this for real?” “I have a broken back. I am not a mother. I am not a camping person. I am struggling right now!”
I decided I would do it. After finding out that only five of the girls on a list of 27 came to church on Sundays, I went to work trying to get these girls to be motivated about coming to camp with me. And I started working with the other ladies in our group. It was overwhelming. But I was finding purpose. I was asked to help them, but they were helping me.
Because I teach sewing, I asked the girls over to sew matching pillowcases. They talked and laughed with me like I was someone they wanted to be around. I was learning to love these girls. And the other adult leaders never once questioned my capability even though I am childless. This debunked my belief that because I am childless I could not have good relationships with those that did. I had never given them a chance. 
Teenagers see through the masks we adults put up and I found myself dealing with my childlessness in a real way. I began to accept that I could have a happy fulfilled life by helping these girls and other children. I had helped children before, so why was this different?
This experience broke me down. Managing my back and dealing with 100-degree weather, I was putting up tents and telling the girls not to give up. Telling them they could do this. One of the leaders also encouraged the girls, continually saying to them that she knew they could do hard things.
I made it through camp with 15 girls and God’s help, finding an internal strength I never knew I had. I realized I could do hard things. This was one of the hardest situations physically and mentally for me but when it ended I had faith in myself. I realized I was going to be OK. 
This is not the future I planned. But I am strong. I can handle childlessness and be happy towards this situation, I just have to want to.
I realized if I want people to believe in me, I first need to believe in myself and then give others the chance to be a good friend. No more allowing fear to rule the outcome of my life.
You know, not once during this summer did I feel sad about being childless. I even went to a family reunion with all my nieces and nephews and allowed myself to be happy with them. What I got in return was a love that no one can ever take away!
A Question, An Answer, and Lots of Love!
My parents married with the intention of having a large family together, which is how I’m the firstborn of seven: five girls, two boys. Of all my parents’ daughters, I’m the only one diagnosed at 15 with polycystic ovarian syndrome and informed I’d never bear a child. While one of my sisters has chosen to remain single and childless so that she can achieve her dreams of international travel, each of my other sisters has married and had children.
It hurts to be the only married, childless woman among my fertile, married sisters. It hurts when I see two of them pregnant at the same time, especially when they pose together for pictures. It hurts to be at family gatherings, and their conversation turns to motherhood, and I cannot participate. Not knowing what else to do, I stopped going to family gatherings. I was hurting too much, and I wanted something I did not know how to communicate.
One time, I texted my sister, Sarah, volunteering to babysit for her. She replied, “Okay.” But due to lack of communication, I felt like she preferred that only women with children babysit for her. From that thought, I jumped to the conclusion that Sarah did not consider me qualified to babysit her children because I am not a mother.
My reproductive disability had me feeling “less than” my sisters because of how I desperately wanted children. 
I felt that babysitting my sisters’ children was a privilege I desperately coveted, but how could I ask for it? I was like a beggar at a king’s banquet table, stomach rumbling with hunger, staring at heaps of delicious food, but unable to take part.
Many days I cried because all I wanted was to spend time with my nieces and nephews, but because I did not ask, I did not communicate; my sisters had no idea how much I hurt, or how to help. Even so, my mom and sisters told me they consider me a vital part of the family – a phrase which felt so meaningless to me. I thought, “If that’s true, then why can’t I babysit my sisters’ kids? I love them, too.”
I arrived at the bottom of my pit of despair when my oldest sister Sarah began mentoring our youngest sister April, who had her firstborn some months ago. April lives in another state, and she needed Sarah’s help in adjusting to the pressures of motherhood. I grieved over what my infertility cost me just on the sisterly level, and I felt just enough anger over my loss to finally verbalize what I had buried deep inside for too long.
I called my Mom and cried as I explained how one time, lots of months previously, I had offered to babysit for Sarah, and she had rejected my offer. I sobbed as I told her how that made me feel that I wasn’t qualified to babysit her children because I’m not a mom. I said that whenever I’m with my sisters’ children, I don’t feel the weight of my infertility grief because I’m focused on how blessed I am to be their aunt. Mom let me cry, and she listened, and then she said that she would approach both Sarah, and my other sister Laura, and ask them whether they would mind letting me babysit for them. Sarah has four children, and so does Laura.
Weeks passed, and silence prevailed. I didn’t get an update from Mom. But I felt so much relief from having expressed my desire to babysit, I didn’t despair. Instead, I made the choice that I would not place the burden of whether I could be happy upon my sisters. I knew that for the sake of my sanity, I had to choose to be content no matter what.
The next time my Mom saw me, she gave me a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses, and a greeting card congratulating me on my new job. Then she told me that she had spoken to my sisters, and she asked them if either of them would mind letting me babysit for them. They both enthusiastically embraced the idea. Each of them had thought that if they asked me to babysit for them, they would be burdening me, they had not felt comfortable asking me.
Their conversation had occurred weeks back, and Mom had forgotten to tell me about it, and she apologized for taking so long to get back with me. I cried again, but this time, feeling so loved! That phrase about me being a vital member of my family didn’t feel so meaningless anymore. My Mom hugged me and told me she loved me, and that she was thankful for how I dared to be vulnerable with her in the middle of my pain.
I visited with Sarah, and she said that she would be delighted to let me watch her children, as often as I ask. She said that she knew I was hurting, but she didn’t know a practical way she could help until our Mom asked her if I could babysit for her. I advised her that children were no burden, but my infertility grief is. Sarah told me she loves me so much.
We planned a babysitting day and she allowed me to keep her oldest two for a few hours. It happened! And their behavior was perfect – I enjoyed every moment with them, watching cartoons and eating snacks. Sarah used the time to get a massage. We both felt loved–her for getting her ‘me time’, and me for getting to spend time with her kids. The kids felt loved because they got to watch cartoons and eat snacks.
Soon, I have plans to visit Laura and her children. They are good at loving on me, too.
The beggar was given favor and allowed to take part in the feast. And now the beggar feels like royalty, too.
Loved royalty.
Looking Back, Looking Forward
Looking Back: The first year of my childless not by choice journey
My husband and I sat in the waiting room of the fertility doctor’s office waiting to get the results of the extensive testing we had endured just a few weeks before. Every single test was still fresh in my mind and I had still not recuperated from the trauma of the rounds of bloodwork and the multiple ultrasounds I had done in the weeks leading up to this day. It should not have been a surprise that we would get bad news that morning, but I still held on to hope.
We were called into the doctor’s office. For the next 45 minutes, he explained to us all the health factors that were most likely contributing to us not being able to conceive naturally. I was a complicated case. As he talked, I found myself holding back the tears and with each new medical condition he brought up, I felt my heart breaking just a little more. Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and a blocked tube meant that his only recommendation was IVF. By now, I was crumbling, and I could tell by the look of concern on the doctor’s face that my pain was starting to show. The nurse gave us a packet of paperwork and told us to go home and think about it and call back if and when we were ready to get the IVF process started. I felt all my hope leave me that morning.
That was a year ago. I did go home to process it and pray about it… but I never called back. I decided instead to face this journey of childlessness. In the first year of my journey, I’ve learned some valuable lessons that are worth reflecting on and sharing with other women who may be walking their own path of childlessness.
Give yourself the time you need
Two days after our doctor’s visit, I made the huge mistake of hosting a barbecue for a group of our closest friends – four of them, couples who had just recently had babies. For a few hours that afternoon, my house became a nursery full of crying babies and nursing moms. I was in total denial at that point. As soon as the company left, I crashed physically and emotionally and it took me days to get myself back together. What I had not yet learned that day was that I was starting my grieving process and that I needed to give myself time to acknowledge my loss. This is crucial but incredibly difficult. As women, we tend to want to quickly move on to the solution or to the part where we are “better”. Sometimes we want the world to think that we are fine in spite of our wounds and we put on a mask of “all is good”, when it is clearly not. It is okay to not be okay all the time. And it is certainly okay to give yourself the time and permission you need to deal with your pain. For me, that meant spending time by myself, journaling, reading, crying, meditating, listening to music, etc. Healing requires that you devote time to yourself and make yourself a priority. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Hold on to your decisions 
Before the infertility roller coaster, my husband and I made the decision that IVF was beyond our limits. We were convinced that IVF was too invasive and I was unwilling to subject my body to the strong medications and the high level of stress that come with it.
So when IVF was suddenly the ONLY option, many well-meaning people assumed that we would be going down that path. No one seemed to understand our choice to refuse IVF as an option for us. Few have been able to accept that childlessness can be an option too. I learned that even in the middle of chaos, you must make the choices that are right for you, even if those choices are not understood or accepted by others. It has been a big relief to know that although I’m still childless, I have stood by my values and made the decisions that are right for me. Childlessness is tough enough and you do not have to let your choices be swayed by the opinions of others.
Make peace with your body
In the months following my diagnosis, I felt like a complete failure. Being made aware of all the many things that were “wrong” with my body, left me feeling like damaged goods. I started believing that my body had betrayed me by not functioning properly and doing the one thing that it was supposed to do naturally. It wasn’t until recently that I started realizing that my body has been housing me for 38 whole years! For the length of my life so far, it has awakened every morning. It has seen, tasted, touched, moved, breathed…. My body is a miracle. It is far from perfect, but it is still a temple. So I’ve started to practice mindfulness and gratitude for it. Infertility makes it so easy to get hung up on the parts of us that are “not working” that we fail to see all the many wonderful parts that are. Being present and grateful for what is working in your life (and your body) is what helps to get us through the tough times.
Be kind
It is true what they say that everyone on this planet is dealing with their own type of battle. We may see other people’s lives and think they have it so much better, but we never know what they are facing. It is important to treat others with kindness and respect, even while in the middle of our own storms. It is just as important to extend that same kindness and love to Ourselves.
My first year was not easy, but even through the many ups and downs, I’ve noticed myself growing as a person. I believe that a positive and kind attitude is what determines whether we thrive or wither through this childless journey. I have hope that life can and will be much better.
My Childlessness Is Not My Fault
It may seem that way, as I am using the possessive adjective to describe the fact that I am childless. That my life did not turn out the way I expected it would. But the more important issue is that human beings tend to blame each other for things we cannot control. My childlessness is not my fault.
If you are a Bible reader, you may recall the story of the man with the shriveled or withered hand. The Disciples asked Jesus if it was his parent’s fault or his, why his hand was withered. Jesus’ answer was ‘it’s nobody’s fault.’
Be honest, have you never wondered to yourself ‘what in the world did he/she do to deserve that?’ when you see something bad, horrible, or horrific happen to someone. You may have even heard someone verbalize it as ‘karma’, or ‘what goes around comes around’. As human beings, we figure it’s just payback.
But isn’t it possible that stuff just happens? Don’t we live in a world where stuff really just happens? I believe we do. Yes, I believe to an extent that what goes around comes around. That we should treat people the way we would want to be treated. But we all know that it rains on the just and the unjust. The difference though is how we manage the cards we have been dealt. In fact, having or obtaining the tools for managing the cards we have been dealt.
I believe one of those tools for any problem or issue you or I have, is community. I strongly believe that when we belong to a community of strong, positive, people who want to get better and not wallow in the self-pity of what happened to us or what did not happen for us. Community protects us from those who secretly or passive-aggressively nicely tell us that we did not pray hard enough for a child. Some of us are told not to give up even though we no longer have a uterus. Indeed, some are told so even when they were born without one. I especially like the ‘well, it was not meant to be’. It is one of my favorites. Right up there with ‘you should be happy you don’t have kids, they are a lot of work’. These are the same people who tell you that ‘you don’t have kids, so you would not understand.’
And sometimes these remarks come from the lips of the same person. ‘Be glad you don’t have kids, they are a lot of work’, and ‘you wouldn’t understand, you don’t have kids.’ Which one of us seems unhinged? Because unhinged, among other things, is what many childless women are called. And God forbid if we are also single. Then we are weird, overzealous with our nieces and nephews, lonely, clingy, needy, or mean.
Society says that’s why we did not get married or have children: We chose the career over the kid, or as a friend of my mom once told her, I was too picky. Mind you, this woman couldn’t pick me out in a crowd. She knew nothing about me, but she knew I was being too picky and that is why I never married. 
Well, regardless of the cards we have been dealt, I believe we can all be weird, overzealous with the children in our lives, clingy, needy, picky, or mean! After all, we are all human beings first, and none of us are what has happened to us or what did not happen for us, however.
So the next time your initial response is to blame someone for their ‘condition’, do a quick self-check and remind yourself ‘it’s not my fault it’s not your fault. Stuff happens.’ How we deal our cards is what sets us apart.
my interview on the That Anita Live Show
My interview with That Anita Live was done in 2017, so a couple of changes since then: The name of my Podcast is Childless not by Choice, and I do blog about childlessness. I really enjoyed this interview, and I hope you will too!
