abuse
Is Childlessness a Crisis?
What does crisis mode mean to you? I believe it means something bad has happened or is about to happen to an individual or group of people.
I Googled the word Crisis, and this is what I found:
- a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger.
- “a crisis point of history”a time when a difficult or important decision must be made.
- The turning point of a disease when an important change takes place, indicating either recovery or death.
That last point is intense. ‘…indicating either recovery or death.’ Death is not always literal. Do you think a woman who finds out she will never have a child could go into crisis mode? Do you think she could die without dying, just checking out of the rest of her life?
I asked that question on Reddit, ‘could finding out you will not be able to have children send you into crisis mode?’ I got one response: ‘humbly, no.’
I respect that opinion. But I believe we are all guilty of the fact that we do not think deeply enough about most issues or most questions we are asked. To be fair, I did not ask this on Reddit, but what if the woman’s marriage, livelihood, even her safety, depends on whether she had a child or not? Could it be a crisis then? 
Consider this: A landslide in a faraway land killing hundreds of people is sad. We feel bad for the survivors who lost loved ones and now must rebuild. But unless we were in the middle of that landslide, feeling bad about the situation is about all we can do. Jumping on a plane and going to help any way we could, might be a bit much and most likely unaffordable for most of us. Besides, isn’t that what organizations like The Red Cross is for?
If we think about all the very sad and scary situations going on in the world right now, we could become overwhelmed, maybe even immobilized or depressed, right? Don’t we have enough to deal with in our own lives?
By now you are probably asking ‘what does she want me to do about any of the world’s situations, or about the woman who cannot have children? Good question, because really, what can you do. It is her problem. We can feel sorry for her, but that would be about all we could do. And besides, how is a woman in danger because she cannot have children, why would she be in danger just from being childless?
Most of us do not realize that in 2017, it could be dangerous for a woman to not be able to bear a child. Living in the Western world, a childless woman can, for the most part, go through life unscathed by the shame, fear, and stigma of being childless. She would most likely not be beaten by her husband, divorced, or shamed by her husband’s family. 
Sometimes we miss what is going on in the rest of the world because we are just too busy with our own lives. And to be fair, that is a worldwide phenomenon. We think the rest of the world operates like our world, our country. And honestly, most times we just cannot be concerned with an issue that does not resonate with us. That may be viewed as selfish, but I do not think that is the case. Life is short, and we just cannot pick up the sword for every cause.
But may I suggest that though we cannot pay attention to every issue, every cause, that we can at least be aware. We can put ourselves in that person’s shoes even as we go about our day and about our lives. We could at least empathize. I believe awareness and empathy make us more human. And being more human makes us less mean, less hateful, and even less scornful.
Scorn. Not a word we hear very often. But it tends to happen when we look down on someone who does not could not have the thing or things we have, with contempt. The thing about contempt is that life has a way of taking turns. We could end up in the very situation for which we had contempt.
May I suggest that as we make our way through life, let us remember to be kind, empathetic, and aware.
Note to Self, 21st Hannah Podcast
HELLO EVERYONE, WELCOME BACK TO 21ST CENTURY HANNAH, WHERE MY MISSION IS TO RECOGNIZE AND SPEAK TO THE BROKEN HEARTS OF CHILDLESS NOT BY CHOICE WOMEN AND MEN, AROUND THE WORLD. I AM SPREADING THE GREAT NEWS THAT WE CAN LIVE A JOYFUL AND RELEVANT LIFE ALTHOUGH WE COULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALLOWING ME TO SIT WITH YOU AWHILE.
- Well, it’s nearing the end of the year. And as such, many of you are probably reflecting on the good, the bad, and the ugly of the last 12 months. I don’t think we can help it. Especially if we want to grow from all we have learned, and have an even better next year.
- I don’t know if you have ever done this, but last year around this time, I wrote myself two letters. They were written at two different events. One event was a vision board party, and the other was a women’s mastermind luncheon. Apparently, the event hosts had the same idea! In each letter, I had to write to my future self what I expected her to have done by the time she received the letter a year later. Stay with me, don’t get confused! Lol!
- In one letter, I wrote a three-point list of the things I expected me to do. In the other letter, I wrote an actual Dear Me letter. As I read that letter, I thought to myself: I’m nice to me. I like me! Lol! Like most of us, though, it hasn’t always been that way. In my younger years, there was so much I did not like about myself. I practically wanted to be someone else. But as I matured, and as I surrounded myself by people who encouraged me, things began to change. I began to realize that who I surrounded myself with, who I listened to, really mattered.
- I began to learn more about my personality. I realized I liked to have friends, but that I also liked my own company. I used to wonder if I were weird. But I wasn’t. Some things you only learn as you live life. Amazingly, many people go through life never really knowing who they are. They are afraid to find out. I believe getting to know yourself is helpful on so many levels. You get to know what you will and will not accept from yourself and from others. You learn how to choose your battles. And you genuinely get to like you, warts and all.
- As I read my letter to myself, I noted how encouraging I was to me. I even told myself not to beat myself up if I had not met all my goals. I truly believe that when we are good to ourselves, others have no choice but to be good to us, or stay away from us. There will be people who will insist on trying to disrespect, handle, or hate us. But I say stand your ground. I mean if you don’t stand for you, who will? Of course, this means there will be times when you are alone, even lonely. Because finding people who believe in mutual respect like you do, is no easy feat. But it will be worth it.
- We live in a time when most human beings want to feel they have the upper hand in their relationships, regardless of the relationship dynamic. Spouses are disrespecting each other. Children are disrespecting their parents. Students disrespect their teachers. The driver behind you curses you if you’re not driving off seconds after the light turns green. People just seem to be generally upset at each other.
- The funny thing is, if we just treated people the way we would like to be treated, the global thermostat would normalize exponentially! Alas, the best we can do is to continue to do our best on an individual basis.
- And what does all of this have to do with the issues of being childless not by choice? Well, everything! Because, how do you feel about you? Really, do you say more positive things to yourself than negative? Do you allow people to speak negatively to you, about you? Have you learned or are learning to choose your battles? Are you intent on maintaining as much peace as possible in your daily life?
- Please believe me, being good to you, speaking positively instead of negatively, to yourself; and choosing the right people to surround yourself with does not make you a pushover. Life is stressful enough without accepting and surrounding yourself with crazy all the time. But it all starts with you.
- As we head toward another fresh new year, why not write yourself a letter? Say some nice things to yourself. Write two or three goals you would like to accomplish. Encourage yourself. Then seal the envelope, and put it in a safe place. I will check in with you a year from now. We can exchange experiences. What I really want you to do, is realize how beautiful you are, and what a beautiful life you can have, no matter how life turned out for you. Like Susan said in her email, we are blessed. We must keep that in mind when negativity attempts to make its way into our hearts and minds. Sometimes it will be a fight to maintain a positive attitude, but it will be worth it.
Well, thank you for joining me for another episode of 21st Century Hannah. It is greatly appreciated. Remember to visit me at http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net for details on the platform, and to subscribe to my free monthly newsletter.
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Below…
…is the outline for my annual goals list. Try to come up with four to six bullet points for each topic below. See how much more interactive this list is versus just writing a list on a piece of paper? I hope you find it useful.
2017 GOALS LIST
- WHAT WOULD I LIKE TO BE MOST THANKFUL FOR IN 2016?
- CAN IT BE BOILED DOWN TO FOUR GOALS?
- CAN THE GOALS BE CATEGORIZED: FAMILY/GIVING/PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT?
- CAN THE DEADLINE FOR MEETING THE GOALS BE BROKEN DOWN INTO QUARTERS?
Some people are shocked, almost in disbelief when I tell them how mean people can be some times. Well, here are a couple of links to articles on the ugliness of human beings in regards to the issues of childlessness not by choice. I’m not posting them to perpetuate hate, but to prove that childlessness is a global issue. There are variations based on culture, but it is definitely a global issue.
So check them out, tell me what you think.
https://thehoopla.com.au/top-10-insults-aimed-julia-gillard/
http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/remark-voted-the-most-sexist-of-2007/2007/11/13/1194766619713.html
Hang in there! Don’t let them get to you!
Until next time! Bye!
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