miscarriage

Episode 108–Childless not by Choice ‘For Sale, Baby Shoes, Never Worn’

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world. Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we did not have the children we so wanted. I would also like to thank everyone who recognizes that we are not all living the same type of life.

Welcome to episode 108

  • Questions or comments? Contact me at:

Email: Info@civillamorgan.com

                                              Or

Visit the website at http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, look to the left on the home screen and click on the link below the telephone to leave me an up to 90-second voicemail.

Let’s jump right in!

‘For sale: baby shoes, never worn.’–Ernest Hemingway.

Some say this was a short story Ernest Hemingway was asked to write. Some say this story pre-dates him. To me, regardless of the origin, it sounds like a story prompt. You know the prompts your English or history teacher probably gave you, and then you had to come up with the rest of the story.

What is the rest of the story, your story? Why not use this story prompt to write your story. Write the story you would like to see play out for the rest of your life, not the life you wish you had. Your life. Be realistic, be positive, be truthful, be kind.

If you feel like sharing, send your letter in and I will read it on a future episode.    

Before we move on, I would like to thank my Patreon contributors for their monthly financial contribution to the platform.

And becoming a Patron just got easier. The link https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice is now on the http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net website. Just go to the home screen, look to the left below the telephone, and you will see the Patreon link.

Clicking the link takes you to the Patreon site where you can choose whichever level of contribution fits your monthly budget. It’s that easy! Your contributions are appreciated!

And by the way, that telephone on the website, there is a link below it that allows you to leave me a 90-second message. Give me a shout out. I may play your message on a future episode!

Thank you to:

https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice

  • Jordan Morgan
  • Ivy Calhoun
  • Sandra Carzado
  • Your Name Here

In this episode, I want to talk about depression for a moment.  

According to Google, the definition of depression is 1.) ‘feelings of severe despondency and dejection.’

We’ve all been there. I remember feeling the most depressed during my 30’s.  Probably because that was when everyone I knew was getting married and having kids. I kept asking God what was wrong with me. What was it about me that other people seemed to see that I did not? I questioned everything about myself. How tiresome that was!

If you are going through the same thing now, I totally get it but try turning the conversation around in your head.

Start telling yourself good things. It may seem forced at first but keep at it. There are some great affirmations on the Home page of the website, http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net. Check them out.  

You see, if you don’t like you, no one else will. And if you don’t speak positive things to yourself, all of the negativity from the negative people around you will seep through with no filter. Be your own filter. Create healthy boundaries. Smile as you protect yourself from the ugliness of the world. You are here. Make the best of it.

Because the alternative, I’ve been there. It is not something many of us want to admit. It has taken me 108 episodes to finally admit to depression. It’s not an easy thing to talk about even to a trusted friend. I have been depressed over my childlessness. Depressed over the fact that my life did not turn out as expected–having a family, like normal people. I have wondered why I am on this planet. I mean really, what’s the point? What do I do now?

What do I do with that innate need that 99.99% of women and men have, to want children? We see children as a way to carry our essence into the future. I wanted to pour all of my knowledge into a little vessel that had my features. I wanted to teach that little person how to get along with everyone, how to use a knife and fork, how to make it in the big city or in the wide open country. I did not get to do that. Now my branch of the family tree has come to an abrupt end. How depressing is that?

Well, here are five things you can do to look that tree branch in the face and overcome the depression that can come with an abrupt ending you did not see coming.

  1. Give to your local community: time/practical items/finances/life experiences/knowledge.
  2. Ask for help from a health and wellness professional, i.e. a therapist for the mental and emotional issues. Get an exercise coach for your physical well being. When you feel good, or at least better about yourself, depression is less likely to hang around, at least not as long as it would have otherwise.
  3. Plan for your future.  Put away as much as you can for your retirement, get rest and exercise, as mentioned above, and be aware of programs in your community that are there to help you as you age, and based on your age.
  4. Fight for your mental and emotional wellbeing. This means creating healthy boundaries between you and your family and friends. I created an entire course on how to create kind but firm boundaries. .  Remember, even during those times when you ask yourself why you are here unless they are trusted confidants who understand your struggle, your family and friends do not need to know. That is what your therapist is for. It’s not that you are pretending to be OK. Pretending to be OK would be opting not to admit you are depressed or opting not to see a therapist.  You just can’t tell everyone everything. You may have not had the horrible opportunity, but there are people who exist that like to kick a person when they are down. Protect your heart. And remember, even if you are all by yourself, you are a family unit. Do not allow anyone to speak negatively into your spirit and your soul about that.
  5. Carry on. Yes,  push through no matter what. Feelings come and go. Do not allow a temporary feeling to prompt you to make a permanent decision. I am not sure who said that, but it is so true. Get the help you need, take care of yourself, and carry on. All will be well as long as you do not stop along the way, to dwell on what was not to be. It was not to be. If it were, it would have happened–naturally or by your doing what was needed to be done to make it happen, i.e. adoption. Don’t beat yourself up if the adoption fell through, or the engagement broke off. Trust me when I tell you I am thankful for the day I broke off what I later realized would have been a nightmare!  Anywhoo!

Recently I was interviewed on a podcast where the host asked if I had ever considered suicide.  Well, here is my answer. I did not consider it, but if you have, I get it. But don’t do it. I sometimes wondered what it would be like just not to be here. Would I be missed? Yes, the answer is yes. We would be missed. Not by the children we did not have. In some cases probably not by family members. Which is very sad but it’s the world we live in.

You would be missed by the impression you would have made on this planet. The impression you are making now. The impression you are working on making now. Don’t give up. Man or woman, do not give up. You are the contribution to this world! Your talent is the contribution. Your existence is the contribution. Hang in there. Push through those valley moments.

Take that sad story prompt I mentioned at the beginning of the episode, and make a beautiful story out of it. That’s the wonderful thing about us as human beings, we can turn the ugliest, saddest prompts, into the most beautiful stories.                 

Do you have suggestions for pushing through depression? Let me know so that I can share it with your fellow listeners.

Thank you for tuning in to episode 108. I posted some great links in the show notes for you on mental health, depression, and counseling for those of us who become depressed over our childlessness.   

The show notes are always chock full of great content created just for you.

Be sure to check them out!

Remember to leave me a message from right there on the website, or become a patron by clicking the Patreon link from the website.http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net.   

Until next time, bye!

Articles used for this episode:

https://www.womenshealth.gov/mental-health/mental-health-conditions/depression

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression

https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/involuntary-childlessness-depression.htm

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
https://www.teepublic.com/stores/childless-not-by-choice


If you would like to become a one time or ongoing sponsor, or if you would like to advertise your business or an upcoming event, contact me at info@civillamorgan.com for details.

Remember, subscription to the podcast is free. Simply go to Apple Podcast, Stitcher Radio, Spotify, Overcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Search for Childless not by Choice, and hit the subscribe button. It’s that easy!


Well, thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice! Until next time! Bye!

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

Episode 106–The Rest of the story

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world. Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we did not have the children we so wanted. I would also like to thank everyone who recognizes that we are not all living the same type of life.

Welcome to episode 106!

 

  • Patreon Contributors: I would also like to thank my Patreon contributor Ivy Calhoun for her monthly financial contribution to the platform. Whether you contribute via patreon.com/childlessnotbychoice, or you go to the website and contribute via PayPal, your contributions are appreciated and used to help the platform get the word out. Thank you!

https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice

  • Ivy Calhoun
  • Your Name Here


    Questions or comments? Contact me at:

Email: Info@civillamorgan.com

                                              Or

Visit the website at http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, look to the left on the home screen and click on the link below the telephone to leave me an up to 90-second voicemail.

  • We are going to one episode per month starting in March.
  • I am working a day job now.
  • Honoring my parents.
  • The Podcast will continue on!
  • If this podcast, this platform, has helped or encouraged you; make a contribution toward helping create awareness and conversation.   
  • Your patronage, Paypal contributions, and product purchases help the podcast.
  • Thank you for tuning and staying plugged in with us!

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
https://www.teepublic.com/stores/childless-not-by-choice



If you would like to become a one time or ongoing sponsor, or if you would like to advertise your business or an upcoming event, contact me at info@civillamorgan.com for details.

Remember, subscription to the podcast is free. Simply go to Apple Podcast, Stitcher Radio, Spotify, Overcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Search for Childless not by Choice, and hit the subscribe button. It’s that easy!


Well, thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice! Until next time! Bye!

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 ‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

Episode 99–Childless not by Choice woman gets raw and real

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world. Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we did not have the children we so wanted. I am also reaching out to everyone who recognizes that we are not all living the same type of life.

Welcome to episode 99!

I would like to thank my sponsor Morgan Air Conditioning. Morgan Air can be reached by calling 813 500 7765.  Their email address is

www. Morganair.net

Along with a stellar business reputation in the Tampa, FL area, Morgan Air is also known and well received for giving back to the Tampa, FL community whether it is back to school drives or donating services to the less fortunate.

Thank you Morgan Air for recognizing the vision of Childless not by Choice, and being a part of it.

I have some VIP’s I need to give a shout out to!

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a monthly basis to help maintain our platform and podcast. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

    https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice

  • Jordan Morgan
  • Ivy Calhoun
  • Your Name Here


Episodes mentioned:

https://childlessnotbychoice.net/childless-not-by-choice-shame/

https://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-88-finding-hope-today-my-interview-with-licensed-therapist-christy-jordan/

Special thank you to:

Devoted, the musical duo who created my theme music. Thank you Devoted, for the beautiful theme music we use here at Childless not by Choice. Devoted has had the opportunity to sing and play in many countries. To learn more about Devoted, visit their website at http://www.devotedministry.org.

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM


If you would like to become a one time or ongoing sponsor, or if you would like to advertise your business or an upcoming event, contact me at info@civillamorgan.com
for details.

Remember, subscription to the podcast is free. Simply go to Apple Podcast, or any of the following apps: Stitcher, Spotify, Overcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Search for Childless not by Choice, and hit the subscribe button. It’s that easy!


Well, thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice! Until next time! Bye!

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 ‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

Episode 98–Pet Therapy for the Childless not by Choice Demographic

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world. Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we did not have the children we so wanted. I am also reaching out to everyone who recognizes that we are not all living the same type of life.

Welcome to episode 98!

I would like to thank my sponsor Morgan Air Conditioning. Morgan Air can be reached by calling 813 500 7765. Their email address is

http://www.Morganair.net

Along with a stellar business reputation in the Tampa, FL area, Morgan Air is also known and well received for giving back to the Tampa, FL community whether it is back to school drives or donating services to the less fortunate.

Thank you Morgan Air for recognizing the vision of Childless not by Choice, and being a part of it.

I would also like to thank Devoted, the musical duo who created my theme music. Thank you Devoted, for the beautiful theme music we use here at Childless not by Choice. Devoted has had the opportunity to sing and play in many countries. To learn more about Devoted, visit their website at http://www.devotedministry.org.

Well, I have some VIP’s I need to give a shout out to!

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a monthly basis to help maintain our platform and podcast. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

    https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice
  • Jordan Morgan
  • Ivy Calhoun
  • Your Name Here

Michelle Link

As the last of their six children are now grown, Michelle Link and her husband of 29 years have opted to continue the energy and chaos of family in their home, by adopting dogs.

Training their three Goldendoodles has become Michelle’s passion, which ultimately culminated in the therapy dog certification of their girl, Murphy.

Michelle volunteers with Murphy in several capacities as a therapy dog team, but she is also inspired to educate and encourage others, sharing the life-changing benefits she’s discovered in her personal relationship with Murphy.

Questions:

1)Murphy is a Goldendoodle–Therapy and emotional support dog,

         does the type of dog matter for training and certification?

2) One of the things I learned from you in our pre-interview conversation was that there is a difference between a ‘Prescribed emotional support dog’, and a ‘certified’ dog; What’s the difference?

And then what is the difference between a companion pet,  an Emotional Support Animal, and a Service Dog?

 

3) Other than your own experiences with pets, are you aware of any studies that support the benefits of a relationship with a pet?

‘American Journal of Critical Care Study’

‘Mass General Study, women who had at least one child and a pet…’

FMRI Study…levels of oxytocin’.

 

4) When did you personally realize the healing value of a relationship with dogs?

5) Speak to us about the fact that there is value in having fur babies, and that doing so does not diminish or minimize those with pets who happen not to have children?

 Michelle’s contact info:

TherapyTeamMurphy@mail.com

Instagram: @therapyteammurphy

 

Articles and links just for you:

https://positivelywoof.com/pet-calendar-year-at-a-glance/

The following link is for your enjoyment:

https://www.yahoo.com/gma/woman-removed-plane-boarding-emotional-support-squirrel-105012179–abc-news-topstories.html?.tsrc=fauxdal&guccounter=2

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

 

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless, not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 

‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice.

Until next time! Bye!

my interview on the That Anita Live Show

My interview with That Anita Live was done in 2017, so a couple of changes since then: The name of my Podcast is Childless not by Choice, and I do blog about childlessness. I really enjoyed this interview, and I hope you will too!

You are not alone!

When I sought out an online support group to help me with my emotions, I had been dealing with them a very long time.  It was long overdue, and I had not been honest with myself about how I truly felt inside. Here is a bit of my story.

At the start of my adulthood, I spent 10 years with a very good man.  We were together from the ages of 20 to 30. We were both very career oriented, had great social lives, and were not thinking about children.  When I graduated from University, I wanted to invest in my work and my future. I felt if I had children young, it could interfere. In a way, it was a good decision, because after 10 years the relationship ended.  It was not an easy time, but it was the right choice. When a couple grows up together, sometimes their paths diverge. We parted ways.

After the split, I spent several years alone before I met my husband who has two sons to whom I am a step-mother.  I have a good relationship with them thankfully, of course with normal family ups and downs. They love me and accept me as family.  At the end of the day, however, I am not their mom and I will never expect to cultivate that type of attachment with them.  I am grateful that they are in my life, and I will always love them.

Despite having my husband’s sons in my life, my husband and I tried to have a child together.  It was a difficult decision for him as his kids were older, but he knew how important this was for me, and so he agreed. 

I could take you through a long story of miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy, and emergency surgery. For those who find themselves interested in this content, you have probably gone through these experiences yourselves, but for the reader who has not had to deal with childlessness, l will spare you the difficult details.

At first, I was very pragmatic about it all.  The body has a way of eliminating pregnancies that have complications.  I rationalized it. Miscarriage was nature’s way of fixing things. I could intellectualize and accept these facts, so we kept trying.  After all, miscarriages are common, even if women do not seem to talk about them much. I have a great OB/GYN who was very supportive and encouraging.  As time went on, however, and as my age advanced, it became clear that perhaps this wasn’t in the cards for us.

After the final loss, which came with middle of the night life-saving surgery, I made the decision that I was done trying.  Between my age, health, and emotional response, it was time to accept things and move forward. It was not a hard decision. It was the right one for me as it came easily because I knew it was time to stop trying.  At least I told myself that I was good and forged ahead with life.

What I did not realize was that in my bid to be strong, positive, and constructive with my life – as my own mother had always taught me to be through strife – a grief sat inside me that I ignored.  I had feelings of fear, envy, disappointment, and sometimes anger. I pushed that all down inside. I would not accept self-pity. I have a wonderful husband, a fabulous career doing what I love, friends and family around me…there was NO reason for me to dwell.  While I told myself I was moving forward, those emotions stood still inside me, like an airplane in a holding pattern waiting to land. 

Eventually, those emotions started to make themselves known more easily.  If I saw a commercial for baby food or diapers, I would start to cry, sometimes even sob.  Commercials about healthy eating and being role models to children would make me change the channel immediately.  Anything that had to do with parenting suddenly brought those emotions to the surface and they were intense. Because I ignored them for so long, the emotions were almost explosive.  I was alone at home one night watching a movie about a woman who had a miscarriage. I broke down and realized, the feelings weren’t going away. As hard as I tried to accept and to be strong, I had to give these feelings their space and to deal with them.

That’s when I started to look for a support group. 

I needed to connect with others in order validate that this was not just me dwelling on things or feeling sorry for myself.  As I began my search for people sharing similar experiences of childlessness, I quickly found Childless not by Choice with Civilla Morgan. Immediately, I realized how many women go through this very challenging life outcome.  I read story after story of women feeling EXACTLY like I did! I was not alone, and I had felt completely alone for so long – by my own doing I might add, as I refused to even discuss my journey with anyone. Reading the posts of other women as they shared the very emotions that I was struggling with was incredibly impactful.  It lightened the burden somehow.

These emotions, the loss, the mourning, it’s all very personal.  But that does not mean that there isn’t a group out there that cannot at least share, even if indirectly, with your pain.  That is the point of this very short blog. If you are reading this, and continue to keep those emotions to yourself, being strong, being an Island…stop.  Reach out, even if just to read about others, and to support them too. Helping others helps us heal, and others want to do the same by supporting us. There are no circumstances in the world that are so unique that someone isn’t there to share or want you to share and empathize.

If you have ever flown on a plane, the flight attendants always say that if the oxygen mask comes down out of the panel above you, that you should always put your mask on first, before helping others.  This is true when it comes to problems in life. You cannot help others if you do not help yourself first. I’ve learned that now, and I am so much better for it. Still sad, and some days still struggle, but never again alone.

 

Tips For Coping With Miscarriage

Click the link below for tips on coping with miscarriage.

10 Tips for Coping with Miscarriage

 

 

Visit these websites for further research: (these links and more information is also available in the show notes of Episode 60—Miscarriage) 

https://www.verywell.com/making-sense-of-miscarriage-statistics-2371721

https://search.cdc.gov/search?query=miscarriage&utf8=%E2%9C%93&affiliate=cdc-main

These podcast episodes may help as you navigate through miscarriage:  

https://childlessnotbychoice.net/mental-health-in-the-childless-not-by-choice-community-my-interview-with-psychologist-dr-shari-ann-james/

 https://childlessnotbychoice.net/menopause-infertility-childlessness-my-interview-with-dr-emine-cay-masters/

 

Civilla M. Morgan

civilla@civillamorgan.com

www.childlessnotbychoice.net

Podcast: Childless not by Choice

Copyright 2017©

(Please do not share or make changes to this information.)

August/September 2017

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