loss
Episode 163–Father’s Day
Hello, and welcome to episode 163 of the Childless not by Choice Podcast. My name is Civilla Morgan. My mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men worldwide, reminding us that we can live joyful, relevant, fulfilled, childless not by choice, lives.
Whether you have children or not, thank you for tuning in!
What is today’s show about?
Father’s Day
Thank you Patreon contributors:
I want to thank the people who make a financial contribution to the platform every month, my Patreon Contributors.
Your contributions help pay my podcast producer, my podcast host, Zoom, where I interview most of my guests, etc. So thank you very much!
If you still need to become a Patron, visit patreon.com/childlessnotbychoice to set up your monthly contribution. No matter your giving level, I have a gift for you!
If you prefer to give via PayPal, you can find me there at booksbycivillamorgan@gmail.com.
Your contributions to the platform are greatly appreciated! Thank you!
https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice
Questions or comments? Contact me at:
Email: Info@civillamorgan.com
Or
Visit the website at http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, look to the left on the home screen and click on the link below the telephone to leave me an up to 90-second voicemail.
Articles/links of interest:
https://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-130-about-fathers-day-and-childlessness/
https://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-141-downriver-nomad-my-conversation-with-rob-hutchings/
Special thank you to:
All of the wonderful men who have shared their childless not by choice journey with us, and the world.
My contact information:
Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
https://www.teepublic.com/stores/childless-not-by-choice
Episode 156–Grief…Again, Hiatus, Love, Loss
Intro:
Hello, and welcome to episode 156 of the Childless not by Choice Podcast. My name is Civilla Morgan. My mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world, reminding you, us, that we can live joyful, relevant, fulfilled, childless not by choice, lives.
Whether you have children or not, thank you for tuning in!
What is today’s show about?
Grief…Again, Hiatus, Love, Loss
Thank you Patreon contributors:
I would like to take a moment to thank the people who make a financial contribution to the platform on a monthly basis, my Patreon Contributors.
Your contributions help pay my podcast producer, my podcast host, Zoom, where I interview most of my guests, etc. So thank you very much!
If you are not yet a Patron, visit patreon.com/childlessnotbychoice to set up your monthly contribution. No matter your giving level, I have a gift for you!
If you prefer to give via PayPal, you can find me there at booksbycivillamorgan@gmail.com.
Your contributions to the platform are greatly appreciated! Thank you!
https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice
Questions or comments? Contact me at:
Email: Info@civillamorgan.com
Or
Visit the website at http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, look to the left on the home screen and click on the link below the telephone to leave me an up to 90-second voicemail.
My contact information:
Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
https://www.teepublic.com/stores/childless-not-by-choice
If you would like to become a one-time or ongoing sponsor, or if you would like to advertise your business or an upcoming event, contact me at info@civillamorgan.com for details.
Episode 113–Eclectic, Encouraging, Engaging!
Hello there, it’s me, Civilla! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world. So, here’s the thing: I am in search of new music. I’ve been thinking of writing something myself, or just search for something to buy. Not sure yet, but for now, no music on the intro or outro. I guess you are witnessing a transformation right here on the platform huh? Wherever the music comes from, I will know it when I hear it.
Well, welcome to episode 113!
‘eclectic, encouraging, engaging!’
We have a lot to talk about today, so let’s get started!
Today’s show is about:
- How are you doing wherever you are on your journey?
- Units
- Bullhorn
- The 10 silly things people say when you lose a loved one…and the things that could be said.
- In a different place now after losing my mother.
- Remember to go to Apple podcast to rate and review this podcast.
Patreon Contributors: I would also like to thank my Patreon contributors for their monthly financial contribution to the platform. Whether you contribute via patreon.com/childlessnotbychoice, or you go to the website and contribute via that Donate button, your contributions are appreciated and used to help the platform to get the word out. Thank you!
https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice
- Jordan Morgan
- Sandra Carzado
- Your Name Here
- Questions or comments? Contact me at:
Email: civilla@civillamorgan.com
Or
Visit the website at http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, look to the left on the home screen and click on the link below the telephone to leave me an up to 90-second voicemail.
Bullhorn-https://bullhorn.fm/
The short conversation I had with the Bullhorn representative at Podcast Movement was eye-opening! My takeaway was that anyone anywhere in the world can listen regardless of access to bandwidth or not. Because you don’t need bandwidth! What!?
My contact information:
Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
https://www.teepublic.com/stores/childless-not-by-choice
If you would like to become a one time or ongoing sponsor, or if you would like to advertise your business or an upcoming event, contact me at info@civillamorgan.com for details.
Remember, subscription to the podcast is free. Simply go to Apple Podcast, Stitcher Radio, Spotify, Overcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Search for Childless not by Choice, and hit the subscribe button. It’s that easy!
‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’
‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.
Well, thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice! Until next time! Bye!
Episode 111 Our Brains are Simply Amazing!
Intro:
Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world. Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we did not have the children we so wanted. I would also like to thank everyone who recognizes that we are not all living the same type of life.
Welcome to episode 111!
Questions or comments? Contact me at:
Email: Info@civillamorgan.com or civilla@civillamorgan.com
Or
Visit the website at http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, look to the left on the home screen and click on the link below the telephone to leave me a voicemail. You have 90 seconds!
Episode intro: Well, thanks to everyone who took a moment to extend their condolences on the passing of my beautiful mommy. It is greatly appreciated. At the time of this recording, it has been just about two months. Needless to say, I continue to take it one day at a time. Sometimes one moment at the time. I will not rush myself to get to a place, whatever that place is. I’ve actually heard people marvel at others who are ‘still not over it’, on the loss of a parent or family member. I have heard some very silly things from people upon the passing of my mother. And I hear from others who have traveled the path of deep loss, that it happens. I opt to say nothing and push the conversation along to another subject, or to an end. That goes for family, friends, and strangers. And hey, while I am being transparent, I am signing up for grief assistance, just waiting for the sign-up date. So as usual, let me also remind you that if you are dealing with any type of grief, or maybe you have not dealt with grief in your life, please do so. Good counseling is a great mental health strengthener. And just like your physical health, if you don’t click with the first therapist, counselor, etc, try another one. Please, don’t be afraid to protect and strengthen your mental health. And of course, do not be afraid to maintain proper boundaries in all of your relationships.
You know We all grieve in different ways. Some people grieve inwardly, some grieve outwardly. Let’s allow everyone to process in their way. The reason I say this is because it is easy for us to say ‘hey, I don’t think that person is as sad about their loss as they should be’. We don’t know that. And no one should have to prove that they are grieving. I’m kinda going off on a tangent, but I really want to get this thought out there.
And this goes for those who are grieving the loss of a child or the ability to have a child as well as those of us grieving the loss of a parent. Let’s just allow each other to grieve the way we grieve individually, to seek counseling if we need to, and know that with major loss may sometimes come major changes. It may look sudden on the outside looking in, but in my opinion, I believe the changes may have been considered for quite sometime after the loss.
The professionals say not to make any major life changes for six months to one year after a major loss. And I agree with that because our brains are completely scrambled with grief. See the great article in the show notes on how scrambled our brains can become. So in my humble opinion, steer clear of anyone who tries to get you to make major decisions during that time frame.
Well, I would like to thank my Patrons. These are the people who contribute to the platform financially every month via the Patreon platform. If you go to the website, http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, the Patreon link is right there on the website. Click on it, it will take you to the Patreon website, and there you may choose the level of contribution that you would like to make on a monthly basis. Your contribution pays the website manager, the podcast producer, the podcast host, and the general maintenance of the platform. A great big Thank you to my patrons, you are appreciated!
Patreon Contributors:
Whether you contribute via patreon.com/childlessnotbychoice, or you go to the website and contribute via PayPal, your contributions are appreciated and used to help the platform to get the word out. Thank you!
https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice
- Jordan Morgan
- Sandra Carzado
- Your Name Here
Magnum Opus:
So here’s the thing, I am totally continuing to toss and turn and buffet in this new reality, this new normal that is taking place whether I like it or not; of living without the person who was my anchor for my entire life, even as I continue to care for my other rock, my dad.
It occurred to me that I should do some research on an entire group of people who exist within the childless not by choice demographic. This is not to snub those who are not childless not by choice; because I believe whether you have children and or a husband or not, caregiving is indeed a superpower. And yes, if you are sandwiched between caring for your own family and for your parents, you do indeed have a lot on your plate. But those who are single and or childless in many cases have put their lives on hold to become a caregiver. There is give and take in all aspects. And yes, choices have been made regardless of the demographic to which we belong.
Also, allow me to be clear before I continue: I am not putting myself or any caregiver on a pedestal. We are just as human as the next human. I know because we get tired, we get frustrated, we cry, we beg for help, we oversleep, we undersleep, we can become argumentative with the medical community and with our own family members, or we can withdraw. I’ve done both. All the things that are part of being human. But here’s the thing, we–all caregivers–do it while maintaining our own lives. That my friends is the difference. And lest you think I am trying to make anyone feel guilty, not everyone can do this.
BUT, if you cannot, you can help when the primary caregiver asks for it, and even if they do not. How? You can send them away for a few days of respite. You can pay a copay here and there for the person being cared for. You can ask the caregiver what they need personally and or practically. If you know someone who is currently in a caregiver role, please do not hesitate to ask them how you can help. Some people have a very hard time asking for help. Some think it should be quite evident they need help. We all have our own personalities through which we see and deal with the world.
Let me also say that the premise of this podcast has not changed. I created this podcast to speak to the hearts and minds of the childless not by choice demographic–men and women–globally. In fact, over the past year or so I have been thinking of creating a new podcast with a totally different subject matter. And it may happen in the future. But for now, I want to continue this podcast on its natural progression, and right now that natural progression includes the fact that loss, not just the loss of the ability to have children, but the loss of a loved one is part of our journey. It is a part of real life, as I know you well know.
Right now real life for me is that I am grieving. And I do not think it is right to continue on my journey of encouraging and creating awareness, pretending all is well.
I am physically back to my regular activities, and I am back to work, and I continue to care for my dear dad. But inside, my heart hurts, it is broken into a million pieces. I will not rush it along. I will encourage it to continue on the journey of life and to be encouraged, but I will allow it to heal at its own pace. Indeed, my heart is thankful to those who encourage it to do just that.
And yet, because of my empathetic nature, I am thinking of you. Dare I say, at the risk of sounding self-absorbed, I love that about me. You see, I can’t be the only childless and or husbandless woman, or man for that matter, who took care and is taking care of a parent or loved one. So I went searching for the statistics to bear out my thoughts. And as I did my research I would stop from time to time to listen to one of my favorite podcasts.
As I listened to one of the hosts read a quote from one of the characters in the story they were discussing, from a man who basically called those of us who never married or had children, the neuters of nature. That, of course, was quite harsh, but there are a lot of harsh people in the world. That has been the case from day one. I believe people who present with harshness and or criticism have other things going on. Maybe they have unresolved issues in their own lives. Or maybe they never really had to deal with tragedy so the only thing they can do is judge. I really don’t know. But what I will say is that we must not allow other people to project onto us what is theirs to deal with. I believe we can be empathetic without allowing projection and blurred boundaries. What do you think?
Regardless, there is a demographic within our demographic, that is doing the right thing for all the right reasons, all while knowing this was not quite what they had planned for their lives. Many have put their entire lives on hold to do the right thing, to know that if for nothing else, they want to live what I call a #regretfreelife. I want when I get to be my parents’ age, God willing, that when I sit in my rocking chair and think back, that I did the best I could to take care of them AND, a big AND, to take care of myself. Because a big part of being a caregiver is self-care. If you don’t take care of yourself you will not be able to properly take care of the person or people you are caring for. For me, that means a bubble bath now and then, a beach trip once in a while, or just sitting at Starbucks with my laptop and a beverage every so often.
The fact is though, caregivers who are grieving the loss of their loved one started grieving long before the loved one left this world. We grieved how we saw the loved one battling their illness, going down hill health wise, needing more assistance. We are grieving wondering what more we could have done. Wondering if we missed something. And then when the person passes, we have to grieve that they are gone. Whole families can be grieving the same person and the grief will be done in different ways, indeed based on whether or not one was the caregiver. So, as I set off on my research, I posted a poll on my Facebook groups asking if as a childless not by choice person you have cared for or are caring for an elderly parent or family member. The response to that poll will be in episode 112, along with some additional interesting information I found as I conducted my research.
Regarding the poll, let’s just say that so far I am not surprised by the response. I hope you will tune into episode 112 so we can review the findings together. Meanwhile, I’ve posted an article here in the show notes under ‘Articles you might find interesting’, that I have read several times. It is a great article for anyone who is grieving. I think you will find it fascinating even if you are not currently in grief mode. Our brains are simply amazing! I hope you will check it out!
By the way, I am also working on episode 113. I have been researching like crazy, and actually have reached out to the CDC–centers for disease control, The United States Census Bureau, and The National Center for Health Statistics. I have had to send clarifying responses, and am still waiting to hear back. But more on that later.
***Articles you might find interesting:
https://barbarafane.com/grief-symptoms-how-grief-affects-the-brain/#.XR62mOhKjIU
Closing:
Thank you for tuning in today. Remember, stop by Apple Podcast, formerly known as iTunes, and leave me a review. Reviews, um five-star reviews, help draw attention to a podcast. I believe bringing attention helps get the word out and I am all about making sure childless not by choice women and men know they are not alone in their journey. So help me get the word out globally!
If you would like to become a one time or ongoing sponsor, or if you would like to advertise your business or an upcoming event, contact me at info@civillamorgan.com or civilla@civillamorgan.com for details.
Remember, subscription to the podcast is free. Simply go to Apple Podcast, Stitcher Radio, Spotify, Overcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Search for Childless not by Choice, and hit the subscribe button and whenever there is a new episode it will drop into your podcast player app of choice. It’s that easy!
Well, thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice! Until next time! Bye!
My contact information:
Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
https://www.teepublic.com/stores/childless-not-by-choice
‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’
‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.
Episode 111 Our Brains are Simply Amazing!
Intro:
Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world. Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we did not have the children we so wanted. I would also like to thank everyone who recognizes that we are not all living the same type of life.
Welcome to episode 111!
Questions or comments? Contact me at:
Email: Info@civillamorgan.com or civilla@civillamorgan.com
Or
Visit the website at http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, look to the left on the home screen and click on the link below the telephone to leave me a voicemail. You have 90 seconds!
Episode intro: Well, thanks to everyone who took a moment to extend their condolences on the passing of my beautiful mommy. It is greatly appreciated. At the time of this recording, it has been just about two months. Needless to say, I continue to take it one day at a time. Sometimes one moment at the time. I will not rush myself to get to a place, whatever that place is. I’ve actually heard people marvel at others who are ‘still not over it’, on the loss of a parent or family member. I have heard some very silly things from people upon the passing of my mother. And I hear from others who have traveled the path of deep loss, that it happens. I opt to say nothing and push the conversation along to another subject, or to an end. That goes for family, friends, and strangers. And hey, while I am being transparent, I am signing up for grief assistance, just waiting for the sign-up date. So as usual, let me also remind you that if you are dealing with any type of grief, or maybe you have not dealt with grief in your life, please do so. Good counseling is a great mental health strengthener. And just like your physical health, if you don’t click with the first therapist, counselor, etc, try another one. Please, don’t be afraid to protect and strengthen your mental health. And of course, do not be afraid to maintain proper boundaries in all of your relationships.
You know We all grieve in different ways. Some people grieve inwardly, some grieve outwardly. Let’s allow everyone to process in their way. The reason I say this is because it is easy for us to say ‘hey, I don’t think that person is as sad about their loss as they should be’. We don’t know that. And no one should have to prove that they are grieving. I’m kinda going off on a tangent, but I really want to get this thought out there.
And this goes for those who are grieving the loss of a child or the ability to have a child as well as those of us grieving the loss of a parent. Let’s just allow each other to grieve the way we grieve individually, to seek counseling if we need to, and know that with major loss may sometimes come major changes. It may look sudden on the outside looking in, but in my opinion, I believe the changes may have been considered for quite sometime after the loss.
The professionals say not to make any major life changes for six months to one year after a major loss. And I agree with that because our brains are completely scrambled with grief. See the great article in the show notes on how scrambled our brains can become. So in my humble opinion, steer clear of anyone who tries to get you to make major decisions during that time frame.
Well, I would like to thank my Patrons. These are the people who contribute to the platform financially every month via the Patreon platform. If you go to the website, http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, the Patreon link is right there on the website. Click on it, it will take you to the Patreon website, and there you may choose the level of contribution that you would like to make on a monthly basis. Your contribution pays the website manager, the podcast producer, the podcast host, and the general maintenance of the platform. A great big Thank you to my patrons, you are appreciated!
Patreon Contributors:
Whether you contribute via patreon.com/childlessnotbychoice, or you go to the website and contribute via PayPal, your contributions are appreciated and used to help the platform to get the word out. Thank you!
https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice
- Jordan Morgan
- Sandra Carzado
- Your Name Here
Magnum Opus:
So here’s the thing, I am totally continuing to toss and turn and buffet in this new reality, this new normal that is taking place whether I like it or not; of living without the person who was my anchor for my entire life, even as I continue to care for my other rock, my dad.
It occurred to me that I should do some research on an entire group of people who exist within the childless not by choice demographic. This is not to snub those who are not childless not by choice; because I believe whether you have children and or a husband or not, caregiving is indeed a superpower. And yes, if you are sandwiched between caring for your own family and for your parents, you do indeed have a lot on your plate. But those who are single and or childless in many cases have put their lives on hold to become a caregiver. There is give and take in all aspects. And yes, choices have been made regardless of the demographic to which we belong.
Also, allow me to be clear before I continue: I am not putting myself or any caregiver on a pedestal. We are just as human as the next human. I know because we get tired, we get frustrated, we cry, we beg for help, we oversleep, we undersleep, we can become argumentative with the medical community and with our own family members, or we can withdraw. I’ve done both. All the things that are part of being human. But here’s the thing, we–all caregivers–do it while maintaining our own lives. That my friends is the difference. And lest you think I am trying to make anyone feel guilty, not everyone can do this.
BUT, if you cannot, you can help when the primary caregiver asks for it, and even if they do not. How? You can send them away for a few days of respite. You can pay a copay here and there for the person being cared for. You can ask the caregiver what they need personally and or practically. If you know someone who is currently in a caregiver role, please do not hesitate to ask them how you can help. Some people have a very hard time asking for help. Some think it should be quite evident they need help. We all have our own personalities through which we see and deal with the world.
Let me also say that the premise of this podcast has not changed. I created this podcast to speak to the hearts and minds of the childless not by choice demographic–men and women–globally. In fact, over the past year or so I have been thinking of creating a new podcast with a totally different subject matter. And it may happen in the future. But for now, I want to continue this podcast on its natural progression, and right now that natural progression includes the fact that loss, not just the loss of the ability to have children, but the loss of a loved one is part of our journey. It is a part of real life, as I know you well know.
Right now real life for me is that I am grieving. And I do not think it is right to continue on my journey of encouraging and creating awareness, pretending all is well.
I am physically back to my regular activities, and I am back to work, and I continue to care for my dear dad. But inside, my heart hurts, it is broken into a million pieces. I will not rush it along. I will encourage it to continue on the journey of life and to be encouraged, but I will allow it to heal at its own pace. Indeed, my heart is thankful to those who encourage it to do just that.
And yet, because of my empathetic nature, I am thinking of you. Dare I say, at the risk of sounding self-absorbed, I love that about me. You see, I can’t be the only childless and or husbandless woman, or man for that matter, who took care and is taking care of a parent or loved one. So I went searching for the statistics to bear out my thoughts. And as I did my research I would stop from time to time to listen to one of my favorite podcasts.
As I listened to one of the hosts read a quote from one of the characters in the story they were discussing, from a man who basically called those of us who never married or had children, the neuters of nature. That, of course, was quite harsh, but there are a lot of harsh people in the world. That has been the case from day one. I believe people who present with harshness and or criticism have other things going on. Maybe they have unresolved issues in their own lives. Or maybe they never really had to deal with tragedy so the only thing they can do is judge. I really don’t know. But what I will say is that we must not allow other people to project onto us what is theirs to deal with. I believe we can be empathetic without allowing projection and blurred boundaries. What do you think?
Regardless, there is a demographic within our demographic, that is doing the right thing for all the right reasons, all while knowing this was not quite what they had planned for their lives. Many have put their entire lives on hold to do the right thing, to know that if for nothing else, they want to live what I call a #regretfreelife. I want when I get to be my parents’ age, God willing, that when I sit in my rocking chair and think back, that I did the best I could to take care of them AND, a big AND, to take care of myself. Because a big part of being a caregiver is self-care. If you don’t take care of yourself you will not be able to properly take care of the person or people you are caring for. For me, that means a bubble bath now and then, a beach trip once in a while, or just sitting at Starbucks with my laptop and a beverage every so often.
The fact is though, caregivers who are grieving the loss of their loved one started grieving long before the loved one left this world. We grieved how we saw the loved one battling their illness, going down hill health wise, needing more assistance. We are grieving wondering what more we could have done. Wondering if we missed something. And then when the person passes, we have to grieve that they are gone. Whole families can be grieving the same person and the grief will be done in different ways, indeed based on whether or not one was the caregiver. So, as I set off on my research, I posted a poll on my Facebook groups asking if as a childless not by choice person you have cared for or are caring for an elderly parent or family member. The response to that poll will be in episode 112, along with some additional interesting information I found as I conducted my research.
Regarding the poll, let’s just say that so far I am not surprised by the response. I hope you will tune into episode 112 so we can review the findings together. Meanwhile, I’ve posted an article here in the show notes under ‘Articles you might find interesting’, that I have read several times. It is a great article for anyone who is grieving. I think you will find it fascinating even if you are not currently in grief mode. Our brains are simply amazing! I hope you will check it out!
By the way, I am also working on episode 113. I have been researching like crazy, and actually have reached out to the CDC–centers for disease control, The United States Census Bureau, and The National Center for Health Statistics. I have had to send clarifying responses, and am still waiting to hear back. But more on that later.
***Articles you might find interesting:
https://barbarafane.com/grief-symptoms-how-grief-affects-the-brain/#.XR62mOhKjIU
Closing:
Thank you for tuning in today. Remember, stop by Apple Podcast, formerly known as iTunes, and leave me a review. Reviews, um five-star reviews, help draw attention to a podcast. I believe bringing attention helps get the word out and I am all about making sure childless not by choice women and men know they are not alone in their journey. So help me get the word out globally!
If you would like to become a one time or ongoing sponsor, or if you would like to advertise your business or an upcoming event, contact me at info@civillamorgan.com or civilla@civillamorgan.com for details.
Remember, subscription to the podcast is free. Simply go to Apple Podcast, Stitcher Radio, Spotify, Overcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Search for Childless not by Choice, and hit the subscribe button and whenever there is a new episode it will drop into your podcast player app of choice. It’s that easy!
Well, thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice! Until next time! Bye!
My contact information:
Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
https://www.teepublic.com/stores/childless-not-by-choice
‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’
‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.
Episode 110-Tribute to my mother
Intro:
Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world. Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we did not have the children we so wanted. I would also like to thank everyone who recognizes that we are not all living the same type of life.
Welcome to episode 110!
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Well, this is a special episode. I will do my very best to get through it without breaking down. You may wonder why I’m doing this while everything is so fresh, so raw, but I believe now is the time. I need to do this to move on. Bear with me.
So, here’s the thing: I got my first real job when I was 14 years old. It was a summer job helping build the set for a play that would be performed that summer by members of our community, including my school’s swim class teacher. The play was called Guys and Dolls. I could not begin to tell you much about the job or the summer, but I will always remember the tune to the title song of the play. I have found myself humming it from time to time over the years.
But I also remember one incident. My swimming teacher was apparently also a set designer. She was painting backdrops and I was positioning the backdrops. The only thing I remember her saying to me that summer was ‘ did you tell your parents?’ I responded ‘no.’ Within hours of my response to my teacher, and making my way home after work, I was confronted by my very upset parents, asking how I could not tell them such a thing. Ugh, she had told on me, and somehow, even at age 15, I knew she was doing the right thing, and probably also covering the school of any backlash and I totally got it. I don’t recall being mad at her.
What did I not tell my parents? Well, some time near the end of the school year I had stayed after school for intramurals and was trying to be cool, jumping into the deep end of the pool knowing full well I could not swim.
I nearly drowned.
Someone had run and called the teacher that was covering intramurals that day. All I remember was feeling two really strong hands grab me from behind and pull me out of the pool, and my coughing embarrassingly on the pool deck. He was just in time too, because I had begun to run out of energy from flailing around, and had started to drift to the bottom of the pool.
As a deeply shy and introverted 15-year-old, I wonder even now, if I had properly thanked those two teachers. I hope so.
That was the second time in my life I almost died. There was one previous incident when I was nine, and there would be one more when I was in my early 20’s.
I’m wondering why I’m thinking about that long ago swimming pool event in particular. I’m not sure. Maybe because at that point in my life I believed my parents would be around forever?
But of course, that is not the case for anyone. We all die don’t we? All of these years later, the last time I saw my sweet mom, my best friend in the whole wide world was the evening of Sunday, May 5th as I got her ready for bed. By the morning of May 6th, she had exited this world leaving behind chronic pain, and chronic illness. I miss her terribly. What breaks my heart the most is I did not have a chance to say goodbye.
My heart aches for my dad as June 5th–a month to the day after she died–would have been their 54th wedding anniversary. They loved each other so. I watched them all my life, through the ups and downs, thick and thin, flat broke, and money in the bank. They stuck it out. We don’t see many couples sticking it out through thick and thin these days. We hear a lot of ‘I don’t love him or her anymore’, ‘we’ve fallen out of love’, ‘we just can’t see eye to eye on anything anymore’.
How exactly does one fall out of love? And could it be that couples don’t see eye to eye because no one wants to give in once in a while? Or maybe the same person is always giving in and the other person just doesn’t get that it can’t always be their way? Hey, I’m not a shrink. So I will leave those thoughts and questions right there.
I sometimes thought I did not deserve my mom. She was quiet, reserved, her favorite color was beige. She taught us how to clean up after ourselves as young women, and my brother as a young. She taught us how to live clean, how to cook, and how to maintain a clean home. As nice and kind as she was, she did not mince words with us when we got out of line. But she also taught us how to be kind to others, how to let things go sometimes, and as she said ‘put the best construction on things’. Something I usually found difficult to do.
I believe I was the most difficult of her five children because of that very difficulty. As an adult, I often wished I had listened to her more. But she was a patient mom.
Being the mother of five children, she did not know the intricacies, the emotional pain, of being childless not by choice. She asked me questions, and she defended me when I told her the latest stupid comments or actions of those who did not understand the life of a childless not by choice person. She was my biggest defender. No matter how old we got to be, we called her Mommy. We call my dad Daddy. I guess it’s a Caribbean thing.
I will never trust another human being as much as I trusted my mom. You may say that is just the rawness of such a recent loss talking. But it’s a fact.
My mom learned how to text on her Android phone, and use her iPad very late in life. But she learned them. She enjoyed texting the entire family. She enjoyed researching celebrities ages on her iPad. She did not consider herself a smart person, but whenever she started with that ‘I’m not smart’ bit, I would remind her that she was one of the smartest people I knew. She could tell you about every event that was going on around the world. She knew who Lady Gaga was, she loved listening to The Gaithers and watching Bobby Schuller’s service on Saturday nights and Sunday afternoons. She was the smartest woman I knew.
My mom raised five kids without serious incident, working her fingers to the bone to provide for us. She was mistreated on some of her jobs. And I remember feeling so helpless when she would tell me about the latest incident. But she always said she wanted to keep a righteous heart. And several times she would tell me how she had run into one or two of the people who did her wrong and they were not in a good place. But she never spoke badly about them and their plight. It will take the rest of my life to become half the person she was.
I battled the medical community to pay attention to her needs the last few years of her life. Unfortunately, they did not care about the role of the caregiver, and I felt they definitely did not care about the plight of the elderly. Many of them ignored anything I had to say because although I knew my mom much better than they did, they could not hear above the din of their seven to 10 years of education.
One time when she was in rehab, against my wishes, they gave her two similar diabetes medications. I ended up not sleeping that entire night as I did not trust the rehab staff to stay awake and prevent her blood sugar from going to zero. They proceeded to feed her junk all night to keep her blood sugar up. Shortly after that I had her taken out of the facility and brought her back home. I am not a clinician, but I did my best by my mom.
I truly hope that one day caregivers will be heard in the medical community. In the meantime, if you are a caregiver, do not ever give up on your family member. Advocate for them even when the medical community gets upset and kicks you out of the hospital. Yes, that has happened to me.
They would rather say ‘I’m sorry’ or say nothing at all if something terrible were to happen during one of their ‘mistakes’. I heard from one of her specialists calling to give condolences.
The life of a caregiver is not easy. No part of it is. Becoming a caregiver changes your life…forever. And most times there is no warning that you are becoming a caregiver. It literally just kinda happens. Initially, you are taking your loved one to doctor’s appointments, then you find yourself handling prescription issues at the pharmacy advocating for your loved one, and then you begin to administer medications, and the doctor is talking to you even more than to the patient, about next steps after each appointment.
Then you incorporate their schedule, their life, into yours; into your calendar, or in my case because I’m old school, into my daytimer.
Caregivers have to watch time: time away from the person being cared for, time to administer medications, time to eat, time to get to doctor’s appointments. There are late nights…illness exacerbates at night. And the most overwhelming feeling for a caregiver is the feeling of helplessness which happened quite a few times for me. I was and am literally responsible for the person who took care of me. I was taking care of the person whose loving face was the first I saw when I came into this world. Talk about pressure. I did not want to mess up.
I really thought I had more time to make changes in her care. The morning she passed I had planned to call one of her physicians to start a new treatment. But it was not to be.
I now battle in my mind; the battle of wishing I had more time to make changes. But I also know as one my sisters always reminds me, ‘God is sovereign’. The bottom line is, we all have a day assigned to us, that last day on earth. The best thing we can do is to be sure we have our affairs in order so that we do not leave any undue burden on our family, and to be ready to meet our maker.
My mom thanked me for caring for her. And all I could say was ‘you’re welcome mommy’. But what I should have said was ‘it is my honor. It is the least I can do.“ I know she knew I loved her though. I gave her loud kisses on her cheeks from time to time, I prayed with her some nights and comforted her as best as I could as things got worse. I was in love with her dimples, always wishing I had gotten them. But it turns out those beautiful dimples skipped a generation.
Sometimes when I would be washing dishes she would sit at the kitchen table and we would talk about one thing or the other. I would say something and then get no response only to realize she snuck out on me to go watch the evening news.
Well, She played that trick on me one last time. She snuck out on me without saying goodbye. I knew she did it because if she told me she was going I would have begged her to stay, as much pain as I knew she was in.
My consolation as I grieve the loss of her presence in this world is that she is no longer in pain. She is no longer taking tons of pills, and going to tons of doctor’s appointments. She is now spending her time singing in the Soprano section of Heaven’s choir.
Sing on my sweet mommy, until we meet again.
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Articles of note:
https://news.yahoo.com/longing-motherhood-loving-one-another-103003795.html
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Thank you Devoted, for the beautiful theme music we use here at Childless not by Choice. Devoted has had the opportunity to sing and play in many countries. To learn more about Devoted, including their concert schedule, visit their website at http://www.devotedministry.org.
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Well, thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice! Until next time! Bye!
‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’
‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.
Episode 68–Is Childlessness a Crisis? Caplan’s Theory of Crisis
Hello, everyone! Civilla Morgan here! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.
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Thank you, Lily, for your email thanking me for the newsletter and for the podcast. That means a lot to me as I continue to create content for us.
Remember, you may register for the newsletter or listen to any podcast episode by simply visiting http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net. I have created and am creating content for you on a regular basis, and it’s all on the website.
Well, today I am going to discuss a subject of which I knew nothing, but for which I use regularly as my platform’s byline. It’s a funny thing about not knowing what we don’t know, isn’t it?
All through the platform, in all my intros, I say that ‘you can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life.’ Never realizing that thought process could possibly have its roots in a sociological or psychological process for coping.
As many of you know, I wanted children more than anything on this planet. I managed pain and embarrassment for a decade attempting to buy time to possibly have a child. Ultimately, it did not happen. I wanted to have a child or children with someone who would help me raise them. I really could not imagine raising a child by myself, although at one point in my 10-year journey I did consider IVF as I started to run out of time, and after two failed attempts at adoption.
I finally scheduled the surgery that would end my physical pain, embarrassing monthly accidents, and any hope I had left, of ever having a child.
I fought and struggled my way through sadness, bitterness, shame, fear, feeling like a second-class citizen, battling all the negative thoughts that tried to take up residence in my mind.
I made the decision, the choice; to journey to a place of acceptance and realization that I would not have the children and the lifestyle I had expected. I had to decide: what kind of life would I have? Would I allow myself to live as a self-imposed second-class, shamed, and embarrassed about my situation citizen? Or would I make the decision to speak out about my situation knowing there were millions of women experiencing a similar journey? Women who were and are hiding in plain sight?
Would I be willing to face down the critics who asked why I could not just get over it, or my favorite…’why don’t you just adopt?’ Those of us in the childless not by choice community love that question. I think that’s our favorite question.
Could I really convince women around the world, and men, that they really could live joyful and relevant lives? Would they believe me? Do I believe me?
Some days I believe it, some days I ask myself who am I kidding? I have my moments, especially around Mother’s Day, where I feel like I am fooling myself. It is around that time that I feel like a fraud.
http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-64-i-feel-like-a-fraud/
But the alternative was scary. Depression, sadness, fear, bitterness, envy…I could not and cannot imagine living the rest of my life with those feelings as my narrative. There had to be an alternative.
There will be moments of sadness weaved into the tapestry of our journey, but deep down, even during those moments when I feel like a fraud when I don’t believe me; I know I made the right choice. The choice to be relevant and joyful. The choice to help others. I decided that the negative alternatives were just not an option.
And remember, choice does not just happen. It is a process. There will be good days and there will be bad days. But underlying the ups and downs is the choice, the decision.
So here is my point: It turns out that my byline of living a joyful and relevant life is much the same as Caplan’s Theory of Crises. What is Caplan’s Theory of Crises? I’m glad you asked:
‘Caplan (1964) initially defined a crisis as occurring when individuals are confronted with problems that cannot be solved. These irresolvable issues result in an increase in tension, signs of anxiety, a subsequent state of emotional unrest, and an inability to function for extended periods. James and Gilliland (2005) define crises as events or situations perceived as intolerably difficult that exceed an individual’s available resources and coping mechanisms. Similarly, Roberts (2000) defines a crisis as “a period of psychological disequilibrium, experienced as a result of a hazardous event or situation that constitutes a significant problem that cannot be remedied by using familiar coping strategies” (p. 7). The Chinese translation of the word “crisis” consists of two separate characters, which paradoxically mean danger and opportunity (Greene, Lee, Trask, & Rheinscheld, 2000). Crisis intervention thus provides opportunities for clients to learn new coping skills while identifying, mobilizing, and enhancing those they already possess. The following are characteristics of crisis events:
- The event precipitating the crisis is perceived as threatening.
- There is an apparent inability to modify or reduce the impact of stressful events.
- There is increased fear, tension, and/or confusion.
- There is a high level of subjective discomfort.
- A state of disequilibrium is followed by rapid transition to an active state of crisis.
Crisis Intervention is an immediate and short-term psychological care aimed at assisting individuals in a crisis situation to restore equilibrium to their biopsychosocial functioning and to minimize the potential for long-term psychological trauma.
The two things I really liked about the above information: are the last sentence, and how the Chinese created two paradoxical characters to equate to crisis.
*** It is so important to quickly work on minimizing the potential for long-term psychological trauma. Many people are afraid to go see a psychologist or psychiatrist, but it is important to see one immediately after a traumatic experience or crisis.
In life, there will be trauma. There will be crisis. But there is also hope. Which leads to the other thing I liked: the meaning of the Chinese two-character definition of crisis: danger and opportunity. Those two words: danger and opportunity, are not typically used in the same sentence. But isn’t it wonderful that the Chinese thought of the possibility of hope even during trauma, during crisis? Even in crisis, there is hope.
Hope is what I hung onto for ten years, until my final surgery. I could have lost all hope after that surgery, but I decided to create a new hope. It didn’t happen overnight. Sometimes choice is a process.
You may have had to take a left turn. Maybe that IVF treatment failed yet again, and you cannot afford any more treatments. Maybe you had to finally have a hysterectomy. Totally not what you had planned. And while trying the treatments, or trying to hang onto that uterus, you had hope. But now that those hopes have been taken away, you must manifest a new set of hopes.
Life is a journey. You know that as well as I do. There will be ups and downs, back tracks, winding roads, fear, sadness, happiness, guilt, strengthening events, clueless people making clueless comments, and seemingly mentally weakening events. But throughout the entire journey, we must hang onto hope.
I’ve put the Kaplan’s Theory of Crisis graph in the show notes. It is a pictorial graph of the progression of how we deal with crisis: before, during, and after.
If you look at the graph, you will see how many of us are going along, managing life, pre-crisis. But during the crisis which I call the ‘glass half full or half empty’ visual, the affected person’s coping mechanism drops precipitously, but then there are three levels of recovery.
In the green level, you can see that the person recovered to higher than where they were before the crisis. Another person recovered to just about where they were or just a little lower.
But a third person’s coping capacity was seriously diminished. They did not recover per se, they either just checked out of life, or it would not take much to send them over the edge. Their mental, emotional, may be even physical state, is fragile.
I believe the hope that you may have held onto at the outset of the crisis, or a new-found hope post crisis, is what helps a person to recover above and beyond that seriously diminished capacity to cope.
This is how important hope is. So, I am asking you to hang onto hope or find a new hope if life did not turn out the way you expected. If you do not have that baby you hoped for. If you never have that baby. If you must watch women around you have child after child after child. Knowing some of them consider their children mistakes. Watching some of them give up their little girls out of tradition. Exchanging their children for that next drug induced hit. Even killing their children.
I know I have asked you to do this in previous episodes, but I am going to ask you again: whenever you hear about or see these heartbreaking stories, pray for the child. Help where you can, and find new hope. Recover to higher than where you were pre-crisis. Do not allow this crisis to take you to a place of hopelessness and diminished capacity to cope. Have hope!
Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. If you found value in this episode, or the podcast and platform in general, feel free to visit the donation jar on the website, stop by iTunes and leave me a rating and review, and of course tell a friend.
Citations:
https://uk.sagepub.com/sites/default/files/upm-binaries/14229_Chapter5.pdf
Tags:
Suicide, childlessness, loss, barrenness, PCOS, miscarriage, infertility, fibroids,
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Until next time, bye!
Mental Health in the Childless not by Choice Community, My interview with Psychologist Dr. Shari-ann James,
Hello everyone!
Thank you for visiting another episode of 21st Century Hannah! I appreciate your taking the time to listen in once again. And thank you to my repeat listeners. If you are listening for the first time, I hope you will come back for another visit!
Remember to tell your friends about the show, and feel free to share to your social media followers! I would appreciate that!
Well, it was such an honor to interview Dr. Shari-ann James for this episode! Her specialty within the world of psychology is just what we need in our community of childless not by choice women and men worldwide. I was so happy to hear this type of niche psychology is available and on the upswing. This will not be just another conversation on grief when a grieving woman walks into a psychologist’s office, it is the conversation.
I hope you enjoyed the interview as much as I did, and I hope you will write in to let me know. I will be interviewing and mentioning Dr. James’ awesome practice in the future. But in the meantime, I hope you will take the time to seek her out if you are dealing with any of the issues we discussed.
I have posted every way Dr. James can be found, as well as her education and memberships. This is one smart lady! I really hope you all will take the opportunity to visit her website, and if you are local and find that you need assistance with traveling the path of childlessness, infertility issues, and loss, that you will seek her out.
PLEASE NOTE: There were some audio issues that I did not realize were happening until I went back to fully listen to the interview. My podcast producer corrected the issue as much as possible. And he has already had me implement some fixes so this does not happen in the future. I hope you will overlook the issue as the content is so compelling. There is great information in there for you, for us!
Thank you for your patience.
EDUCATION:
PhD, Counseling Psychology, University of Georgia
EdM, Counseling Psychology, Columbia University (Master’s)
MA, Organizational Psychology, Columbia University, (Master’s Degree)
BA, Psychology, St Peter’s College
DR. JAMES’ PROFESSIONAL MEMBERSHIPS INCLUDE:
TRAINING & PROFESSIONAL MEMBERSHIPS:
Professional Membership with Postpartum Support International (PSI)
Professional Membership with American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM)
Professional Maternal Mental Health Certificate Training through PSI and 2020 Mom Project
Extensive bereavement training on perinatal loss through Resolve Through Sharing (RTS)
Gottman Trained Educator for the Bringing Baby Home Program, which is a program for new parents experiencing the transition to parenthood
http://www.perinatalwellness.net
https://www.facebook.com/perinatalwellnessorlando/
https://www.pinterest.com/drshariannjames/
Podcast- the wellness pod
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-wellness-pod/id1180289237
Helpful resources
http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/living_childfree/
Childless not by Choice, Shame
Hello everyone!
Thanks for coming back and listening to another episode of 21st Century Hannah! I so appreciate your taking the time to listen. I especially want to thank those of you who are repeat listeners. I am truly humbled.
I hope you are telling your friends about the show. Feel free to share the show to your social media followers! I would appreciate that!
Well, today’s show is about shame! Yes, I am going there. As I say continually: If I am not transparent, then what’s the point? I believe that especially on the subject of childless not by choice, transparency is key. Of course with the utmost class and professionalism.
So, here are the show notes:
- :23 thank my sponsors
- [2:58] Welcome
- [4:38] Thank you Ebonie Henry, episode Childless BY Choice (6/27/2016)
- [4:57] Thank you Reshell Smith, two episodes on Finance for the childless not by choice woman (6/13/2016 and 8/23/2015).
- [5:50] Thank you Lesley Pine, Childless not by Choice from across the Pond. The discussion is taking place worldwide! (4/25/2016)
- [6:06] Thank you Emine Cay Masters, MD (Video interview which can be viewed directly on my website, http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, 4/29/2016).
- [7:24] Beginning of show–Shame
Thank you so much for listening! Remember to drop me a line at civilla@civillamorgan.com, or leave me a voicemail on Speakpipe, via my website. I would love a review on iTunes. To be candid, I believe reviews help add credibility, whether it is for an author, a blogger, or indeed for a podcaster.
Search iTunes for 21st Century Hannah, and leave me a review, or go to my website and just below each episode are several links. One of them is ‘leave a review’, the other takes you to iTunes. It’s that easy.
COMING SOON: I am working on content that will help women, and men, who are childless not by choice. The content will be consumed in an online classroom setting. I can’t wait to roll out these classes! I will keep you posted!
My contact information:
Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
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“Oh my God I trust in you. Let me not be ashamed, let not my enemies triumph over me. Let none that wait on you be ashamed…”–Psalm 25:2-3.
Until next time! Bye!
