infertility

Episode 99–Childless not by Choice woman gets raw and real

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world. Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we did not have the children we so wanted. I am also reaching out to everyone who recognizes that we are not all living the same type of life.

Welcome to episode 99!

I would like to thank my sponsor Morgan Air Conditioning. Morgan Air can be reached by calling 813 500 7765.  Their email address is

www. Morganair.net

Along with a stellar business reputation in the Tampa, FL area, Morgan Air is also known and well received for giving back to the Tampa, FL community whether it is back to school drives or donating services to the less fortunate.

Thank you Morgan Air for recognizing the vision of Childless not by Choice, and being a part of it.

I have some VIP’s I need to give a shout out to!

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a monthly basis to help maintain our platform and podcast. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

    https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice

  • Jordan Morgan
  • Ivy Calhoun
  • Your Name Here


Episodes mentioned:

https://childlessnotbychoice.net/childless-not-by-choice-shame/

https://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-88-finding-hope-today-my-interview-with-licensed-therapist-christy-jordan/

Special thank you to:

Devoted, the musical duo who created my theme music. Thank you Devoted, for the beautiful theme music we use here at Childless not by Choice. Devoted has had the opportunity to sing and play in many countries. To learn more about Devoted, visit their website at http://www.devotedministry.org.

My contact information:

Website: https://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM


If you would like to become a one time or ongoing sponsor, or if you would like to advertise your business or an upcoming event, contact me at info@civillamorgan.com
for details.

Remember, subscription to the podcast is free. Simply go to Apple Podcast, or any of the following apps: Stitcher, Spotify, Overcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Search for Childless not by Choice, and hit the subscribe button. It’s that easy!


Well, thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice! Until next time! Bye!

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 ‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

Episode 98–Pet Therapy for the Childless not by Choice Demographic

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world. Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we did not have the children we so wanted. I am also reaching out to everyone who recognizes that we are not all living the same type of life.

Welcome to episode 98!

I would like to thank my sponsor Morgan Air Conditioning. Morgan Air can be reached by calling 813 500 7765. Their email address is

http://www.Morganair.net

Along with a stellar business reputation in the Tampa, FL area, Morgan Air is also known and well received for giving back to the Tampa, FL community whether it is back to school drives or donating services to the less fortunate.

Thank you Morgan Air for recognizing the vision of Childless not by Choice, and being a part of it.

I would also like to thank Devoted, the musical duo who created my theme music. Thank you Devoted, for the beautiful theme music we use here at Childless not by Choice. Devoted has had the opportunity to sing and play in many countries. To learn more about Devoted, visit their website at http://www.devotedministry.org.

Well, I have some VIP’s I need to give a shout out to!

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a monthly basis to help maintain our platform and podcast. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

    https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice
  • Jordan Morgan
  • Ivy Calhoun
  • Your Name Here

Michelle Link

As the last of their six children are now grown, Michelle Link and her husband of 29 years have opted to continue the energy and chaos of family in their home, by adopting dogs.

Training their three Goldendoodles has become Michelle’s passion, which ultimately culminated in the therapy dog certification of their girl, Murphy.

Michelle volunteers with Murphy in several capacities as a therapy dog team, but she is also inspired to educate and encourage others, sharing the life-changing benefits she’s discovered in her personal relationship with Murphy.

Questions:

1)Murphy is a Goldendoodle–Therapy and emotional support dog,

         does the type of dog matter for training and certification?

2) One of the things I learned from you in our pre-interview conversation was that there is a difference between a ‘Prescribed emotional support dog’, and a ‘certified’ dog; What’s the difference?

And then what is the difference between a companion pet,  an Emotional Support Animal, and a Service Dog?

 

3) Other than your own experiences with pets, are you aware of any studies that support the benefits of a relationship with a pet?

‘American Journal of Critical Care Study’

‘Mass General Study, women who had at least one child and a pet…’

FMRI Study…levels of oxytocin’.

 

4) When did you personally realize the healing value of a relationship with dogs?

5) Speak to us about the fact that there is value in having fur babies, and that doing so does not diminish or minimize those with pets who happen not to have children?

 Michelle’s contact info:

TherapyTeamMurphy@mail.com

Instagram: @therapyteammurphy

 

Articles and links just for you:

https://positivelywoof.com/pet-calendar-year-at-a-glance/

The following link is for your enjoyment:

https://www.yahoo.com/gma/woman-removed-plane-boarding-emotional-support-squirrel-105012179–abc-news-topstories.html?.tsrc=fauxdal&guccounter=2

My contact information:

Website: https://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

 

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless, not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 

‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice.

Until next time! Bye!

Episode 97–Can Childless Women Bond?

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to childless not by choice women and men around the world. Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we did not have the children we so wanted. I am also reaching out to everyone who recognizes that we are not all living the same type of life.

Welcome to episode 97!

I would like to thank my sponsor Morgan Air Conditioning. Morgan Air can be reached by calling 813 500 7765.  Their email address is www.Morganair.net.

Along with a stellar business reputation in the Tampa, FL area, Morgan Air is also known and well received for giving back to the Tampa, FL community whether it is back to school drives or donating services to the less fortunate.

Thank you Morgan Air for recognizing the vision of Childless not by Choice, and being a part of it.

I would also like to thank Devoted, the musical duo who created my theme music. Thank you Devoted, for the beautiful theme music we use here at Childless not by Choice. Devoted has had the opportunity to sing and play in many countries. To learn more about Devoted, visit their website at http://www.devotedministry.org.

Well, I have some VIP’s I need to give a shout out to!

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a monthly basis to help maintain our platform and podcast. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice

  • Jordan Morgan
  • Ivy Calhoun
  • Your Name Here

Content:

In the month of October, I am highlighting the importance of maintaining mental health in the childless not by choice community through therapy dogs, and through pets in general.

Those of us who are childless not by choice and have or had pets are often chided for having pets instead of having children. Many times those who do not know our story or understand our journey find it easier to make fun of childless women with pets, reminding us that a pet is not the same as a child.

I believe that as childless not by choice women we are well aware of the difference between a human and an animal, but it is difficult for most people to understand that everyone has a story, and that everyone’s story is different. Unbelievably, some people still believe that a childless woman or couple just did not want children. It is still difficult for many to understand that life just dealt some us a different set of cards.

What we, whether childless not by choice or not, do with the cards we have been dealt proves to ourselves and to the world, that we are strong, or on our way to gaining strength through and for our journey.

Deciding to have a pet and to spoil that pet is just one way we as childless not by choice women decide to manage the life we have been given. Notice, I did not say handle or cope with, I said manage. Because we must manage our lives no matter how that life turned out, and not allow life to manage us.

So this month, I am posting a guest blog written by one of our childless not by choice members. It will post on the 15th. Our guest blogger will take us on a journey, showing us how having pets helped her come to terms with childlessness.

And on the 22nd, you will get to hear episode 98, where I interview Michelle Link and her beautiful therapy dog Murphy. That was such a wonderful interview! I learned quite a bit as we discussed the differences between therapy dogs and emotional support dogs; and how important they both are to mental health.

The bottom line is this, whether you are childless not by choice or not, the need and the ability to care for another being helps heal the soul.  And when caring for this being as a childless not by choice woman or man, the healing process can help fill your mind with love instead of dwelling on a  life that did not happen as expected.

We can choose to dwell on what did not happen for us, or we can reach out and help others. We can reach out and adopt a dog or cat from a shelter, or buy a fish tank and fill it with our version of beauty. We can reach out to the beauty the world has to offer, or we can go within and live with the hurt of what could have been. What is not, and in many cases will not be.

We have choices even when we did not get to choose whether or not we would have children. That is not the only choice we get in life.

And life is short. Choose and then live that choice out loud.

When you do that, if you are chided for being a pet mom, you will not even hear the commentary because  chances are you already made the decision to live the life you have been given. How strong are you!?

so come with us on our journey through the month of October. It’s going to be beautiful!  

https://positivelywoof.com/pet-calendar-year-at-a-glance/

Also highlighted in October is Miscarriage Awareness. If your journey includes miscarriage, please accept my deepest condolences. Be sure to visit the Resource tab on the website for an article I wrote on dealing with the grief of miscarriage. To be transparent, miscarriage is not a part of my journey. But I wrote the article to encourage you with hope for your journey even through your loss. I hope you will take a moment to read the article.      

Articles of note and interest:

https://positivelywoof.com/pet-calendar-year-at-a-glance/

https://resolve.org/what-are-my-options/living-childfree/navigating-living-your-life-childlessness-and-child-free-after-infertility/

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/06/world/asia/afghanistan-rasool-landay-childless-women-scam.html

https://thegrio.com/2018/10/06/tracee-ellis-ross-says-shes-good-with-being-45-single-and-childless/

PLEASE NOTE: in the previous episode I mentioned that my old title was showing up on the Podcast section of iHeart Radio. That has been corrected. You will now find the title Childless not by Choice on iHeart Radio’s Podcast section.

My contact information:

Website: https://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM


If you would like to become a one time or ongoing sponsor, or if you would like to advertise your business or an upcoming event, contact me at info@civillamorgan.com
for details.

Remember, subscription to the podcast is free. Simply go to Apple Podcast, or anyone of following apps in your app store: Stitcher Radio, Overcast, Castro, Podbean, etc; or the radio apps such as Spotify, iHeart Radio, and Google Play Radio. Search for Childless not by Choice, and hit the subscribe button. It’s that easy!


Well, thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice! Until next time! Bye!

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 

‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

Episode 96–Childless not by Choice Woman Plants 8000 Trees! The story of Saalumarada Thimmakka

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

Welcome to episode 96!

 

This podcast was created for and about the childless not by choice community on a global level, as well as for everyone who recognizes that not everyone is living the same type of life. Thank you for tuning in!

 

Sponsors:

I would like to thank my sponsor Morgan Air Conditioning. Along with a stellar business reputation in the Tampa, FL area, Morgan Air is also known and well received for giving back to the Tampa, FL community whether it is back to school drives or donating services to the less fortunate. Morgan Air can be reached by calling 813 500 7765, (repeat), or via email at www. Morganair.net, that’s http://www.morganair.net.

Thank you Morgan Air for recognizing the vision of Childless not by Choice, and being a part of it.

I would also like to thank Devoted, the musical duo who created my theme music. Thank you Devoted, for the beautiful theme music we use here at Childless not by Choice. Devoted has had the opportunity to sing and play in many countries. To learn more about Devoted, visit their website at http://www.devotedministry.org.


Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice

  • Jordan Morgan
  • Ivy Calhoun
  • Your Name Here 

Childless Mother of Trees–Saalumarada Thimmakka

According to Wikipedia, Saalumarada Thimmakka was born in Hulikal, India. She is purported to have been born in 1908, making her more than 100 years old! With no formal education, she became a self-taught environmentalist. She and her late husband started planting Banyan trees along a stretch of highway from her town to the next.

It is said they started planting trees when they realized they were not going to be able to have children. I searched but did not find any information on her husband attempting to put her aside or divorce her which tends to happen in many societies where children are expected and if they are not produced, shame on the woman.

But I found no such information. In my research, I did find out that his family gave her a very hard time, but he appears to have stuck with and even helped her plant trees until he passed on. Kudos to him!

As I researched and read articles about this self-taught environmentalist,

I counted 15 awards!

The author of the article on the Karnataka website ended the article by saying:

‘Saalumarada Thimmakka at the age of 105 lives with her foster son Umesh. She is an inspiration to every woman the society labeled as barren.  The green crusader bestowed the society and mankind with hard work, patience, and undying love for the environment.’

 

Imagine what you can do when you turn your pain into purpose!

Early in the creation of this platform, a wonderful gentleman reminded me that people like to quote the Bible where God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.  He mentioned that multiply does not mean just having children. There are many ways for humankind to multiply.

You see, as childless not by choice women and men,  we have journeyed through the trauma of not being able to have children, no matter the path that got us to the point of childlessness. As we make our way on this journey, we will run into people who misunderstand and or misinterpret the Bible in an attempt to have an answer for every negative in life.

We humans tend to want to have an answer to everything. We want to be able to plug every issue into a box, and we want to advise people on why something did or did not happen to or for us.

So we say things like childlessness means we did not multiply. Hmmm, we must have done something to make God angry.

Childlessness means our quiver of arrows is empty, and we will have no one to care for us when we become old.  For those of you who are Christians, who have a true grasp on the Words in the Bible, we know better than to limit God’s words to such simplicity.

If you are childless not by choice, your life is not over. You can replenish the earth in many other ways. You can pour into the life of a child that does not belong to you, however that happens: through being a teacher, through being a mentor, through being an encourager to a struggling mother.

You can contribute to back to school backpack drives through work, church, or a local organization. You can plant trees like Saalumarada Thimmakka did. You can sponsor a child in a far away land.

Don’t listen to those who tell you your quiver has no arrows, or that you are fruitless because you are childless. Lift your chin from shame, and ignore the narrow minded understanding from such words. Trust your journey. Walk your journey. Do the absolute best you can on your journey. That is your job. Your journey, your job.

Well, thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. Remember, subscription to the podcast is free. Simply go to Apple Podcast, Stitcher Radio, Spotify, iHeart Radio, Overcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Search for Childless not by Choice, and hit the subscribe button. It’s that easy!

If you would like to become a one time or ongoing sponsor, or if you would like to advertise your business or an upcoming event, contact me at info@civillamorgan.com for details.

Information on India:

‘United States is about 3 times bigger than India. India is approximately 3,287,263 sq km, while the United States is approximately 9,833,517 sq km. Meanwhile, the population of India is ~1 billion people (943 million fewer people live in the United States).’–Google Search

Childlessness in India:

 https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/soul-curry/being-childless-by-choice-in-the-indian-society/articleshow/58695326.cms

https://www.scoopwhoop.com/Heres-Why-More-And-More-Married-Indian-Women-Are-Choosing-To-Remain-ChildFree/#.thc55rxjr

Articles used for research in this episode:

http://kalamfanclub.com/saalumarada-thimmakka-the-106-year-old-woman-who-planted-over-8000-trees-in-65-years/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saalumarada_Thimmakka

https://www.karnataka.com/personalities/saalumarada-thimmakka/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DY4yzEZ9uc8&vl=en

 

My contact information:

info@civillamorgan.com
Website: https://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

Until next time! Bye!

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 

‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

my interview on the That Anita Live Show

My interview with That Anita Live was done in 2017, so a couple of changes since then: The name of my Podcast is Childless not by Choice, and I do blog about childlessness. I really enjoyed this interview, and I hope you will too!

Episode 90–My interview with Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here! I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

 

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

 

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

  • Jordan Morgan

Just a reminder, visit the website where you can join the community group, check out all podcast episodes, blogs, and resources  https://childlessnotbychoice.net, the website is where the conversation is happening.

Well, we have a special guest today!

Intro Jody:

Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women, is author of the best-selling book ‘Living the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfilling Future Without Children’, and the best selling book ‘Rocking The Life Unexpected–.  She is a founding member and former board member at http://www.awoc.org (Ageing Without Children).

Her TEDx talk, ‘The Lost Tribe of Childless Women’ was given at TEDxHull in March 2017 and has had more than 27K views.

Jody was honoured in BBC’S 100 Women in 2013. And she is a trainee psychotherapist, and a former fellow in Social Innovation at Cambridge Judge Business School, Cambridge University.

She runs workshops, online courses, a global online community and global social events for women coming to terms with a life that doesn’t include motherhood, and is currently training other women to lead her workshops in the UK, Ireland, Europe, The USA & Canada. She plans to train more in Australia and New Zealand in the near future.

Gateway Women has an aggregated social reach of over 2-million, between the website, various social media platforms, and its global public and private communities.

Jody was partnered/married for 16 years in her 20s and 30s, during which she experienced unexplained infertility after an abortion in her very early 20s. She was single for many years before meeting her current partner. They divide their time between Ireland and Ibiza.

Welcome, Jody:

I’m going to start out by going way back in time:

Your article ‘I may not be a mother – but I’m still a person’–written in The Guardian Newspaper, –Friday, February 24, 2012…

  1. As I read the article, I could feel my heart breaking for the way you were treated at the party. I know the article was written so long ago, and it is not healthy to dwell on things, but what comes to mind when or if you think back to those times and events?  

 

2) Why did you name your platform Gateway Women?

3) I read a quote recently: ‘When our broken dreams have cost us so dear, dreaming a new dream takes great courage’.–It was attributed to Gateway Women. Was that your quote? Either way, how do you grasp the courage to dream a new dream?

4) As I read through your intro in ‘Living the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfilling Future Without Children’, I stopped short at the section where you considered doing volunteer work in Kabul, but reconsidered because you did not think you could deal with the Kabul winter. You weren’t even considering the fact that Kabul was in the middle of a war and that you could become a casualty. I definitely understand the level of grief where we do not even consider our safety. How do you get people outside of the childless not by choice demographic to understand that level of grief. Do you even bother?     

5) In chapter one, you talk about the ‘universe of pain, heartbreak, surprise, dashed hopes, shock and grief…’ and the word shock jumped out at me. Shock for me was delayed…and then it came and went in waves. Which one of those nouns jumps out at you, if any? How did you overcome?

6) I’ve been questioned about how I am childless not by choice because I did not meet Mr. Right. It wasn’t an infertility issue, it was a social issue (no Mr. Right) plus biology (fibroids) equals no children. I read your list of 50 ways to be childless not by choice. My reason was number one! I got a little chuckle as it always amazes me how people can see you but not see you.  Do you ever get tired of telling your story, explaining your childless? Or does it make a difference who the audience is?

7) (Ch. 3) Life can be tough. Motherhood can be tough. Childlessness can be tough. Well, we all know life can be tough. How do we get the motherhood camp and the childless camp that life is indeed tough no matter which camp we belong to, that being childless is not a free ride?       

8) In chapter 3 I believe, you say:

‘Ideology is that which everyone believes to be ‘true’, but it’s actually a mixture of accepted prevalent beliefs that serve to support the dominant power group. Up until 500 years ago everyone thought the world was flat. That was an idea, not a truth, and around it was created a powerful ideology of Western Europe being at the centre of the world. So perhaps the ‘belief’ that a woman can only have a meaningful life if she is a mother may prove to be an ideological one and not the purely biological one that many of us have come to believe.’  Do you think society can really get past this ‘biological’ process we have utilized since the dawn of time?

Is it just a matter of society learning to embrace empathy?

9) Chapter 4, ‘Grief is a dialogue not a monologue’ —

‘Just as one of the most painful romantic experiences is ‘unrequited love’, I think that disenfranchised grief is a form of ‘unrequited grief’–a grief that is not allowed to be expressed, not allowed to be in a relationship.  But grief cannot move into its active state, ‘grieving’, without a relationship because grief is a dialogue not a monologue. And until we find a place to have that dialogue, either face to face, online, or with a skilled therapist, it stays wedged in our hearts like a splinter.  And it festers as it waits, infecting our life and our soul with sadness.’ (Location 1215 in Kindle).

Not only do we need to dialogue, but it is important to dialogue with someone who understands our pain. This is why community is so important isn’t it?

10) I never thought of the term ‘double whammy’ as possibly patriarchal until I read your book. It made me take a look at the way I use the term to describe what has happened in my life–no husband, no children. The last thing I want is to be pitied.  What an eye opener!

 

I had so many more questions, but I had to cut it off somewhere. I do need to mention that as I read about how families treat the childless not by choice family members among them. I have experienced this to some level, as I am sure almost all childless not by choice women have.

11) I read about the one woman who was forced out of her own bedroom to sleep in a tent in the garden to make room for her young niece! I was like, ‘are you kidding me???’  

I love your suggestion that the time to negotiate proper treatment during family get togethers is not right before the get together.

I talk about kind but firm boundaries quite a bit on my platform. The bottom line is, we need to as childless not by choice women, condition or train the people around us, as to how we expect to be treated. But at the same time, we have to believe we deserve respect, and it can be hard depending on where we are in our journey. If we are feeling shame and then our family and friends shame us, we will probably just allow the shame to continue at least for a time.  

Oh my goodness, there is so much more: The Spinster stereotype, the doting aunt stereotype, the older childless woman being a witch or the mean Cruella de Ville…my mom got married at age 28, and on her marriage certificate it says her previous status was Spinster. She was 28!

I have always been offended with that language. But my mom always said those were the days. It doesn’t seem like much has changed.

 

Is there anything you would like to add, anything you would like to say before we close out?

NOTE: Read more about the fetishism of motherhood in chapter 3. It is deep! Chapters 8-10 pressed all types of buttons for me. Please do take the opportunity to read this book. I think you will thoroughly enjoy it!

Books by Jody Day:

‘Living the Life Unexpected, 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfilling Future Without Children’

Articles/Blogs written by Jody Day:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/25/child-free-women-jody-day

Jody’s contact information:

https://gateway-women.com/

Twitter: @GatewayWomen

Instagram: @GatewayWomen

Facebook: @GatewayWomenUK

Email: Jody@gateway-women.com

http://www.awoc.org

‘It’s not a when, it’s an if.’–Jody Day.

Articles of note/episodes mentioned in this episode:

https://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-72-male-and-childless-not-by-choice-my-interview-with-dr-robin-hadley/

http://allafrica.com/stories/201806050128.html

My contact information:

Website: https://childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM


Please help me out by taking this very short survey!
https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah


Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

Until next time! Bye!

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless, not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

 

A Brave New Ending

Our long and bumpy road of infertility began 9 years ago. After numerous tests and failed treatments, IVF was our only hope of conceiving. In 2015, the procedure was successful. Early in the twin pregnancy, one of our embryos stopped developing, however, subsequent ultrasounds revealed a strong heartbeat with the second.  Our prayers had finally been answered and our dream of having a child was becoming a reality. At nearly 10 weeks, the doctor uttered the words no one ever wants to hear, “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”

 

Overwhelmed with grief, and so many other unnamed emotions, the months and years that have followed haven’t been easy. No one is ever really prepared for how to cope with loss. It’s not something that is taught in school and in most families, not discussed openly. Men and women grieve differently and we would soon learn, these strong emotions began to manifest in different ways.  

In the months prior to IVF, I made it my mission to prepare my body for pregnancy the best I could. It was almost like training for a marathon. My regimen included an anti-inflammatory diet and numerous vitamins and supplements. I felt strong and hopeful and started a blog to share my journey and encourage others struggling to conceive. 

Soon after the loss, that feeling of hope began to fade. Between the IVF medications and miscarriage, the hormonal roller coaster was unrelenting. I no longer felt I had a reason to focus on my health. There was nothing to look forward to and feelings of apathy set in. Not sure how to help me through this emotional struggle, my husband did the best he could to be supportive and loving, while dealing with his own feelings of grief. He often found solace in lone fishing trips and spending time with nature.

Three years later, drawing strength from our faith in God and each other, the healing process continues to be a work in progress. Anyone who has experienced loss will tell you it changes you. We soon realized this life-changing event was stressful on our marriage. Communication has been key and we are both learning how to lean into the pain and allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest about our emotions with one another.

By reading and studying emotional resilience, grief, and loss, we have started on a new path of healing by embracing and reckoning with the painful scars that infertility has left behind. Facing a lifetime of childlessness, we are rumbling through the middle of the messy emotions. Grief has no timeline and no one really knows how long the rumble will last.

While life hasn’t turn out the way we had planned, our story isn’t over and we are hopeful for the future. We are learning to flip the script and write a brave new ending. One where it’s okay to be sad and joyful, to grieve a painful loss and embrace the wonders of life with gratitude and most importantly, together.

Episode 89–Unexplained infertility, aka idiopathic infertility

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here! I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

 

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  • Jordan Morgan

I’ve done episodes on various types of infertility disease states such as Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, PCOS, MRKH, Fibroids, to name a few. In the case of these diagnoses, you have just that, a diagnosis. Indeed, you have the proof that comes along with or proves the diagnosis. There’s the scar tissue of endometriosis, the constant not taking a baby to term in miscarriage, the cysts, the tumors. The ugly proof truth is there constantly. The side effects are there, and the surgery suggestions that come with some of these diagnoses. But what about when no one knows why you are not getting pregnant?     

Welcome to episode 89–Unexplained infertility

I received the following message back in April:

‘While listening to your PCOS segment, I wondered if you have ever done an unexplained infertility seg. If you haven’t I would like to ask you to think about doing one because it is something that isn’t talked about often enough. I have unexplained fertility and I feel it is the greatest struggle of my life. It is a mystery disease that makes doctors shrug as there is no cure if there is no disease other than lack of pregnancy. I am currently fighting it by following a strict keto diet of low carb high fiber veggies, no sugars or processed carbs and fatty meats. I listen to your podcasts while at the gym because they make me feel less alone, and that you are fighting my disease with me. Thank you for your time.’—Diana.’

So, let’s talk about unexplained infertility…

Unexplained infertility, aka idiopathic infertility

According to a CDC article on Womenshealth.gov,

Infertility means not being able to get pregnant after one year of trying (or six months if a woman is 35 or older). Women who can get pregnant but are unable to stay pregnant may also be infertile. About 10 percent of women (6.1 million) in the United States ages 15-44 have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant’.

Unexplained infertility and female age

And…

According to https://www.advancedfertility.com/unexplai.htm

The likelihood of a diagnosis of unexplained infertility is increased substantially in women 35 and over – and greatly increased in women over 38. The reason for this is that there are more likely to be egg quantity and quality problems as women age. Since we do not have a “standard category” called egg factor infertility, these couples sometimes get lumped into the “unexplained” infertility category.

Most women over 40 who try to get pregnant will have difficulty, and fertility over age 44 is rare – even in women who are ovulating regularly every month. The point is that the older the female partner, the more likely that there is an egg-related issue causing the fertility problem. Unfortunately, there is currently no specific test for “egg quality”. (I did not know there was not a test for egg quality.)

Also mentioned on the same website…

Chance for getting pregnant on own – without fertility treatment – for couples with unexplained infertility

The duration of infertility is important. The longer the infertility, the less likely the couple is to conceive on their own. After 5 years of infertility, a couple with unexplained infertility has less than a 10% chance for success on their own.

One study showed that for couples with unexplained infertility and over 3 years of trying on their own, the cumulative pregnancy rate after 24 months of attempting conception without any treatment was 28%. This number was found to be reduced by 10% for each year that the female is over 31.

(Reference: Collins, JA, and Rowe, TC. Fertility and Sterility 1989;[52:15]-20.)

According to verywellfamily.com.

I found the following quite interesting, and I would strongly suggest you check out the site, but listen to this: they seem to believe there is a fundamental difference between two terms that seem to be used interchangeably:

Unexplained Infertility vs. Idiopathic Female or Male Infertility

They say,

It’s important to clarify that unexplained infertility is not the same as idiopathic female or male infertility.

Idiopathic means unexplained. But when a doctor talks about idiopathic male infertility, for example, they have already determined the man is infertile. His semen analysis results were not normal.

Why are the semen analysis results not normal? That may not be known. If the doctor can’t determine the cause, they may say he has idiopathic male infertile.

Idiopathic female infertility may occur when a woman isn’t ovulating regularly or normally, but it’s unclear why ovulation isn’t happening when it should.

In both of the examples above, it’s known why the couple can’t conceive—she isn’t ovulating, or his semen isn’t in the fertile range.

With unexplained infertility, the eggs are coming, the sperm are fine, but the couple still isn’t getting pregnant.

So that’s the bottom line with regards to the term or terms: unexplained infertility and idiopathic infertility. But as I researched whichever term you want to use, I will call it unexplained infertility to keep it simple, I started reading about secondary diseases that can cause infertility. Like Celiac Disease for instance!  The link to that article is in the show notes.

https://www.verywellhealth.com/celiac-disease-and-infertility-562998

So, if you are dealing with any other disease, or think you may be, it may be a great idea to speak with your doctor about the possibility of a secondary disease interfering with your fertility. And remember, get a second opinion.

The issue of Celiac Disease also came up in Heather Huhman’s HuffPost article. I put the link in the show notes.  I am not going into detail on Celiac Disease here because the episode is not about that, but about unexplained infertility. But I strongly suggest you read up on it if you have been diagnosed or suspect you have the condition.  

I’m listing the episode link below because some of my research for this episode included information from Heather Huhman:

https://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-58-pcos-polycystic-ovarian-syndrome/

Some other interesting things I found out in my research: Google

‘Not enough water, not drinking enough water — or drinking too many unhealthy beverages like sodas, coffee or alcohol — can lead to dehydration and negative effects upon your fertility… –Apr 21, 2015’

‘Ginger Ginger is an incredible food that reduces inflammatory responses in the body (good for fertility) and encourages healthy, gentle, detoxification (good for fertility). It also helps in overall digestion, which increases your ability to nourish yourself. Mar 28, 2017’

There were more suggestions on foods, herbs, and nutrition in general. I will let you do the research on that as we are all different and different things work for different people.  And I do not want to get bogged down in sounding like I am suggesting a cure for infertility.

Articles of note:

http://allafrica.com/stories/201806050128.html

Articles on idiopathic infertility:

https://www.womenshealth.gov/a-z-topics/infertility

https://www.thebump.com/a/celiac-disease-during-pregnancy

http://www.winfertility.com/a-success-story-pregnant-after-unexplained-infertility/

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/252824.php

https://www.advancedfertility.com/unexplai.htm

https://www.verywellfamily.com/explanations-for-unexplained-infertility-4081776

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/heather-huhman/5-frustrating-facts-about_b_7632640.html

https://celiac.org/celiac-disease/understanding-celiac-disease-2/what-is-celiac-disease/

My contact information:

Website: https://childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM


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Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

Until next time! Bye!

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 

‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

I have infertility, but infertility does not have me!

During one of Civilla Morgan’s podcast episodes, I listened as she described writing a list in 2016 of goals she wanted to accomplish in 2017. I like listening to her podcast, the sound of her joyful laughter; and her assurance that a childless not by choice woman can certainly choose to live a relevant and joyful life. There is something special about making a willful choice to be happy, even when there isn’t much to be happy about. 

It caused me to think, and a flash of brilliance lit up my face with a smile! I must tell you what made me smile!

I’ve got infertility, but infertility doesn’t have me – I saw a glimpse of myself in the future, winning the struggle against infertility. NO, I am not going to have a child, adopt, or stop being childless. My triumph is available another way. Before today, I hadn’t seen it.

I have an Aunt, my father’s sister, who suffered PCOS every bit as much as I do. She was able to bear 2 sons with her husband, before their divorce. Eighteen years ago, when I was diagnosed, I reached out to her for advice, but rather than offering me love and guidance, she turned away. Her answer was silence.

Of all my family members, she completely understood the excruciating abdominal cramps, the heavy blood loss tormenting me, but she chose not to use her own experience to help me in any fashion. Even today, my efforts to reach out to her are in vain. I have come to accept her decision. 

My triumph over infertility is to become a loved, trusted, Aunt. I will respond far differently than my aunt did if any of my nieces develop any form of infertility, or my nephews marry women suffering from infertility. I want to live my life so joyfully, that if my nieces must be infertile, they can watch me with admiration and think to themselves, ‘It didn’t break Aunt Carol, and I won’t let it break me, either!’

I am thinking long-term. A decade from now, my nieces will be young teenagers experiencing puberty. Whatever changes are necessary to achieve my goal of meeting this challenge – I will do, and with determination and perseverance.

My Aunt had a golden opportunity to become my heroine, my role model. Her choice to pass up the chance means I get to be the heroine of the story, ladies! I get to create the list of ways I wish she had been available to me and to tailor my behavior to achieve every item on that list, as regards my nieces and nephews.

As I said . . . I have infertility, but as of today, infertility DOES NOT have me!

You are not alone!

When I sought out an online support group to help me with my emotions, I had been dealing with them a very long time.  It was long overdue, and I had not been honest with myself about how I truly felt inside. Here is a bit of my story.

At the start of my adulthood, I spent 10 years with a very good man.  We were together from the ages of 20 to 30. We were both very career oriented, had great social lives, and were not thinking about children.  When I graduated from University, I wanted to invest in my work and my future. I felt if I had children young, it could interfere. In a way, it was a good decision, because after 10 years the relationship ended.  It was not an easy time, but it was the right choice. When a couple grows up together, sometimes their paths diverge. We parted ways.

After the split, I spent several years alone before I met my husband who has two sons to whom I am a step-mother.  I have a good relationship with them thankfully, of course with normal family ups and downs. They love me and accept me as family.  At the end of the day, however, I am not their mom and I will never expect to cultivate that type of attachment with them.  I am grateful that they are in my life, and I will always love them.

Despite having my husband’s sons in my life, my husband and I tried to have a child together.  It was a difficult decision for him as his kids were older, but he knew how important this was for me, and so he agreed. 

I could take you through a long story of miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy, and emergency surgery. For those who find themselves interested in this content, you have probably gone through these experiences yourselves, but for the reader who has not had to deal with childlessness, l will spare you the difficult details.

At first, I was very pragmatic about it all.  The body has a way of eliminating pregnancies that have complications.  I rationalized it. Miscarriage was nature’s way of fixing things. I could intellectualize and accept these facts, so we kept trying.  After all, miscarriages are common, even if women do not seem to talk about them much. I have a great OB/GYN who was very supportive and encouraging.  As time went on, however, and as my age advanced, it became clear that perhaps this wasn’t in the cards for us.

After the final loss, which came with middle of the night life-saving surgery, I made the decision that I was done trying.  Between my age, health, and emotional response, it was time to accept things and move forward. It was not a hard decision. It was the right one for me as it came easily because I knew it was time to stop trying.  At least I told myself that I was good and forged ahead with life.

What I did not realize was that in my bid to be strong, positive, and constructive with my life – as my own mother had always taught me to be through strife – a grief sat inside me that I ignored.  I had feelings of fear, envy, disappointment, and sometimes anger. I pushed that all down inside. I would not accept self-pity. I have a wonderful husband, a fabulous career doing what I love, friends and family around me…there was NO reason for me to dwell.  While I told myself I was moving forward, those emotions stood still inside me, like an airplane in a holding pattern waiting to land. 

Eventually, those emotions started to make themselves known more easily.  If I saw a commercial for baby food or diapers, I would start to cry, sometimes even sob.  Commercials about healthy eating and being role models to children would make me change the channel immediately.  Anything that had to do with parenting suddenly brought those emotions to the surface and they were intense. Because I ignored them for so long, the emotions were almost explosive.  I was alone at home one night watching a movie about a woman who had a miscarriage. I broke down and realized, the feelings weren’t going away. As hard as I tried to accept and to be strong, I had to give these feelings their space and to deal with them.

That’s when I started to look for a support group. 

I needed to connect with others in order validate that this was not just me dwelling on things or feeling sorry for myself.  As I began my search for people sharing similar experiences of childlessness, I quickly found Childless not by Choice with Civilla Morgan. Immediately, I realized how many women go through this very challenging life outcome.  I read story after story of women feeling EXACTLY like I did! I was not alone, and I had felt completely alone for so long – by my own doing I might add, as I refused to even discuss my journey with anyone. Reading the posts of other women as they shared the very emotions that I was struggling with was incredibly impactful.  It lightened the burden somehow.

These emotions, the loss, the mourning, it’s all very personal.  But that does not mean that there isn’t a group out there that cannot at least share, even if indirectly, with your pain.  That is the point of this very short blog. If you are reading this, and continue to keep those emotions to yourself, being strong, being an Island…stop.  Reach out, even if just to read about others, and to support them too. Helping others helps us heal, and others want to do the same by supporting us. There are no circumstances in the world that are so unique that someone isn’t there to share or want you to share and empathize.

If you have ever flown on a plane, the flight attendants always say that if the oxygen mask comes down out of the panel above you, that you should always put your mask on first, before helping others.  This is true when it comes to problems in life. You cannot help others if you do not help yourself first. I’ve learned that now, and I am so much better for it. Still sad, and some days still struggle, but never again alone.

 

Living with Endometriosis

Click the link below for details on living with Endometriosis.

10 Tips for living with Endometriosis

 

http://Be sure it is indeed Endometriosis. Get a second opinion as it has sometimes been diagnosed as IBS—irritable bowel syndrome, among other things.

I am posting the following links so that you can do additional research if you would like. These links can also be found in the show notes of Episode 59—Endometriosis:

 

Civilla M. Morgan

civilla@civillamorgan.com

www.childlessnotbychoice.net

Podcast: Childless not by Choice

Copyright 2017©

(Please do not share or make changes to this information.)

August/September 2017

Tips For Coping With Miscarriage

Click the link below for tips on coping with miscarriage.

10 Tips for Coping with Miscarriage

 

 

Visit these websites for further research: (these links and more information is also available in the show notes of Episode 60—Miscarriage) 

https://www.verywell.com/making-sense-of-miscarriage-statistics-2371721

https://search.cdc.gov/search?query=miscarriage&utf8=%E2%9C%93&affiliate=cdc-main

These podcast episodes may help as you navigate through miscarriage:  

https://childlessnotbychoice.net/mental-health-in-the-childless-not-by-choice-community-my-interview-with-psychologist-dr-shari-ann-james/

 https://childlessnotbychoice.net/menopause-infertility-childlessness-my-interview-with-dr-emine-cay-masters/

 

Civilla M. Morgan

civilla@civillamorgan.com

www.childlessnotbychoice.net

Podcast: Childless not by Choice

Copyright 2017©

(Please do not share or make changes to this information.)

August/September 2017

Facebook.com/childlessnotbychoice
Twitter=@civilla1
Instagram= @joyand relevance
Pinterest=Civilla M. Morgan

 

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