Rubbing Salt into the Wounds
Years ago, when I was still trying to hang onto hope, I did everything my OB/GYN suggested. One of those things was to take an injection that was available in a monthly or 90-day dose. The medication was used to dissolve fibroids. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of this medication was menopausal symptoms. I called it man-made menopause.
I had hot flashes, mood swings, depression, and sadness. I believe the depression and sadness was also due to the fact that I was dealing with all of this drama in an effort to buy time while waiting to meet Mr. Right. I had considered IVF and I made two attempts at adoption. But I decided against IVF, for two reasons. It was too expensive and my mom compelled me not to take that avenue.
But God was not answering my prayers. The prayers I sent up to him for more than a decade. I begged him to forgive me for whatever sins I had committed. I asked him to forgive my family for any generational curses that were causing these cursed fibroids. I bargained with him. I begged him for a husband, I begged him for a child.
The silence was deafening. Sometimes I would feel Him impressing upon my heart that everything would be alright. But it was not. I wanted a child. Nothing would ever be alright without a child.
I never met Mr. Right, I never had the baby, and I ended up having to have a hysterectomy.
Now I am going through natural menopause. It is nowhere near as bad as the man-made menopause. I am not depressed and I am not having mood swings, but the incessant flushing is almost impossible to bear. It feels like salt is being rubbed into the wound. The wound of everything I have had to endure. How many people do you know who have gone through menopause twice?
They say God will not give us any more than we can bear, but honestly, I believe that is just a saying.
I am not whining, because many people around the world, children and adults alike, are enduring unbelievable grief and sadness. As a fellow human being, I think about people around the world on a regular basis. I think about childless women, I think about abandoned and enslaved children, and I wonder what I can do to make things better for others.
The fact is, although my heart is broken, it is healing. But nothing that breaks will ever be the same again, whether we are talking about broken china, a broken leg, or a broken heart. They will never be completely brand new. But they will be functional. And the level of functionality depends on use. We can walk on a leg that was broken after it is healed. We can use broken china after it is glued. We can function with a broken heart. But it is up to us.
We have to choose to function with the broken heart. There is a lot to be done in this world. And I believe we can do our part broken and healed.
Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world. Civilla Morgan here! I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.
- Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)
- Jordan Morgan
What I read to you earlier was my latest blog post dated April 2, 2018, called ‘Rubbing Salt Into the Wounds’. Any leader of anything will tell you that what they are leading is not about them. Yes, many times the leader of any platform or organization will tell you they started the organization because it was needed and it did not exist. And that is the reason I started Childless not by Choice/21st Century Hannah.
I needed help in my darkest moment, and I could not find it. But another issue that comes with being a leader is there is seldom time to hurt, or at least say that you are hurting. You just get on with the work at hand, and you try to push down the pain because so many others are looking to you for guidance with their pain.
And that’s why you started your organization in the first place. So we push through our pain. Some days it is harder to do than others, but we get relief when we get notifications and messages from people saying how much our platform has helped them, like the Facebook message I received from Diana who said,
‘I listen to your podcasts while at the gym because they make me feel less alone, and that you are fighting my disease with me. Thank you for your time.’—Diana, 4/3/2018.
Or LM who said…
‘I have been listening to some of your talks on podcast and would like to thank you. Your making so much difference to my life, I’m not alone with the way l feel and think. You’re a godsend to so many people. When l feel down l listen to you, it picks me up. Thank you again.’- (3/26/2018).
Messages like these keep me going. They are a reminder that this is not about me. I knew I could not be dealing with the mental and emotional pain of childlessness not by choice.
There are people worldwide who are much worse off than those of us in the Western world. There are childless women being divorced, cast aside, and cheated on, because they cannot produce a child. Sometimes the reason for childlessness does not even lie with them. But culturally, there is usually nothing they can do to address that fact.
Back in September 26, 2016, I did an episode called About the Children.
And one of the books I am reading this year is called ‘No Longer a Slumdog’ by K. P. Yohannan. I keep thinking about the children worldwide who are bought and sold like property, their bodies being used and abused. And honestly, I ask God on a regular basis where He is in all of this.
Some may say it is because I am childless. But to anyone who says that, my response is ‘nothing in this life is that easily figured out.’ Sorry, wrong answer. I would venture to say that it is hard to look the other way with the level of technology available to just about anyone. These days we get pollen count notifications on our smartphones, we receive local news notifications all day, and no matter where in the world we are, we can know breaking news immediately, worldwide. We see the disturbing and heart breaking pictures on TV of hurting people all over the world.
No, it’s not because I am childless, it is because I am being compelled to do something. Everyone who gives to a charitable cause is being compelled to do something. Everyone who donates their time on weekends to a charity are being compelled to do something.
So what’s wrong with me or any other childless woman being compelled to do something? No, that smug answer that it is because I am childless will not work. I will keep you posted on what I can do from my little place in the world, to help once I figure out what that is.
So as I said at the end of my blog post, ‘We have to choose to function with the broken heart. There is a lot to be done in this world. And I believe we can do our part broken and healed.’
Is my heart broken? Why yes it is. My life did not work out the way I expected it to.
The childless not by choice women in the Childless not by choice with Civilla Morgan Facebook group will tell you the same thing. Childlessness, failed IVF and IUI treatments, are not what they bargained for. Family members who leave them out of birthday parties and holiday affairs is not what they bargained for. Being happy about yet another baby announcement while they die another death internally not due to jealousy.
HEAR ME PLEASE, it is not jealousy, it is the sadness for what did not happen for us. We can feel both. It does not have to be one or the other. It is spouses asking ‘why can’t you just be happy for so and so,’ when they see you crying yet again. It is being misunderstood.
It is the refusal to believe that if you should not say to someone whose loved one just died, ‘why can’t you get over it already?’ Then you cannot, should not say it to a woman who will never have a child.
What can you do you ask, to help the childless not by choice woman live a life she did not ask for? Walk along with her, with us, and help us learn how ‘to choose to function with the broken heart… to ‘do our part broken and healed.’
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Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!
Until next time! Bye!