I think a lot of kids grow up playing house and dreaming that someday they will have children of their own. As a child, I believed the same. The oldest of eight children, I grew up in a religion that is very family oriented. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I, of course, said a mom.
In 1999, I married a wonderful man. We decided to wait a bit before children. But a few years later I found out my lower back was broken, and I would never be able to carry a child. I was heartbroken, and became angry and bitter, crying when people told me they were pregnant. Mother’s Day was very hard, and I dreaded the question ‘when are you having children?’ I was frustrated with God for giving me a broken body.
One day I prayed and asked God to provide me the opportunity to influence a child. I knew I would have been a good mother and had so much to offer children. Be careful what you pray for. At the time, I was so focused on me and my sadness I did not stop to think how many children I was already helping.
Looking back on who influenced who I am today, yes, my parents did. But it was also church leaders, teachers, aunts, and uncles. I decided I wanted to be that person in someone else’s life. That decision lead me to start a small business teaching children to sew. I am a 5th-grade teachers aide and I also help in the after school 4-H program teaching sewing.
I help in my local church groups. And I know I make a difference in the children’s lives. They have taught me that helping any child is a huge blessing, and doing so has filled that void for me.
It does take a village to raise a child. There was a choice to be made. I could either spend my life angry or be part of that village. I believe it is a blessing to help any child we encounter.
And I also realized being angry at others who have children, or angry at children isn’t how I wanted to live. Just because I can’t have children does not mean others should not. A child that I bare does not define me. How I treat other people and children does define me.
Today, I have a good life with my husband and two fur babies. Is every day easy? No, but I am learning to love me and the life that I have.
As childless not by choice women, and even more so, in my opinion, childless and husbandless women; we can often fall through society’s cracks. Society forgets us, and in some cases, mocks us. In some cases, society even physically hurts us. Human nature tends to either ignore or question what is not ‘normal’.
I am not saying I was being mocked in this service. I am sure the leader of the service did not recognize what was happening. Why would they? In fact, this person was recognizing what is normal to most human beings. Most humans have or had a marriage. Most humans have children. The ‘odd’ person is forgotten not out of spite, but because it is not most people’s normal. In fact, most people are not walking around wondering, worrying, or thinking about the person who has a different lifestyle. They are not aware.
So, what to do? Well, I suggest that we do not cower in the background of life. I suggest we stand tall in our childlessness and our husbandless status. Why hide what life handed us? We should instead find out what we are supposed to do with the life we have been given, and then get to work. We do not need pity. And we should not seek it out.
It’s true, life did not give us what we planned and hoped for. We assumed we would have the same life as our friends and family. Realizing we would not have the life we dreamed of was a shocker. It was for me, and many of the childless not by choice women I know say the same. Many of you deal daily with the shock and surprise of finding out the issue is infertility. Some are saddened by the life circumstances that kept them from having a baby.
No matter the reason for your childlessness, do not allow those reasons to stop you from living life open with head held high! Face the monster of childlessness by admitting your feelings to yourself. Admit your sadness, your pain, your anger, your jealousy. Whatever the emotion may be. Trust yourself to grow through the pain. Accept the process. Accept the stages of grief. One day you will be able to acknowledge to yourself that there is a missing puzzle piece, but you are OK. All will be well!
Click the link below for details on living with Endometriosis.
http://Be sure it is indeed Endometriosis. Get a second opinion as it has sometimes been diagnosed as IBS—irritable bowel syndrome, among other things.
I am posting the following links so that you can do additional research if you would like. These links can also be found in the show notes of Episode 59—Endometriosis:
Civilla M. Morgan
Podcast: Childless not by Choice
(Please do not share or make changes to this information.)
Click the link below for tips on coping with miscarriage.
Visit these websites for further research: (these links and more information is also available in the show notes of Episode 60—Miscarriage)
These podcast episodes may help as you navigate through miscarriage:
Civilla M. Morgan
Podcast: Childless not by Choice
(Please do not share or make changes to this information.)
Instagram= @joyand relevance
Pinterest=Civilla M. Morgan
What does crisis mode mean to you? I believe it means something bad has happened or is about to happen to an individual or group of people.
I Googled the word Crisis, and this is what I found:
That last point is intense. ‘…indicating either recovery or death.’ Death is not always literal. Do you think a woman who finds out she will never have a child could go into crisis mode? Do you think she could die without dying, just checking out of the rest of her life?
I asked that question on Reddit, ‘could finding out you will not be able to have children send you into crisis mode?’ I got one response: ‘humbly, no.’
I respect that opinion. But I believe we are all guilty of the fact that we do not think deeply enough about most issues or most questions we are asked. To be fair, I did not ask this on Reddit, but what if the woman’s marriage, livelihood, even her safety, depends on whether she had a child or not? Could it be a crisis then?
Consider this: A landslide in a faraway land killing hundreds of people is sad. We feel bad for the survivors who lost loved ones and now must rebuild. But unless we were in the middle of that landslide, feeling bad about the situation is about all we can do. Jumping on a plane and going to help any way we could, might be a bit much and most likely unaffordable for most of us. Besides, isn’t that what organizations like The Red Cross is for?
If we think about all the very sad and scary situations going on in the world right now, we could become overwhelmed, maybe even immobilized or depressed, right? Don’t we have enough to deal with in our own lives?
By now you are probably asking ‘what does she want me to do about any of the world’s situations, or about the woman who cannot have children? Good question, because really, what can you do. It is her problem. We can feel sorry for her, but that would be about all we could do. And besides, how is a woman in danger because she cannot have children, why would she be in danger just from being childless?
Most of us do not realize that in 2017, it could be dangerous for a woman to not be able to bear a child. Living in the Western world, a childless woman can, for the most part, go through life unscathed by the shame, fear, and stigma of being childless. She would most likely not be beaten by her husband, divorced, or shamed by her husband’s family.
Sometimes we miss what is going on in the rest of the world because we are just too busy with our own lives. And to be fair, that is a worldwide phenomenon. We think the rest of the world operates like our world, our country. And honestly, most times we just cannot be concerned with an issue that does not resonate with us. That may be viewed as selfish, but I do not think that is the case. Life is short, and we just cannot pick up the sword for every cause.
But may I suggest that though we cannot pay attention to every issue, every cause, that we can at least be aware. We can put ourselves in that person’s shoes even as we go about our day and about our lives. We could at least empathize. I believe awareness and empathy make us more human. And being more human makes us less mean, less hateful, and even less scornful.
Scorn. Not a word we hear very often. But it tends to happen when we look down on someone who does not could not have the thing or things we have, with contempt. The thing about contempt is that life has a way of taking turns. We could end up in the very situation for which we had contempt.
May I suggest that as we make our way through life, let us remember to be kind, empathetic, and aware.
How could I possibly be two years into building a platform created to help women who are childless not by choice feel better about themselves? Feel better about their lives? Many of you know, my byline: ‘Living a joyful and relevant life although childless not by choice.’
It all started a few days before Mother’s Day. It always does. I thought I had gotten over the feelings of loss enough to make it through Mother’s Day without feeling like a second-class citizen when the pastor asked all the mothers to stand, as I remained seated. It’s a feeling only childless not by choice women could understand. At least the ones who are not over the pain. Because I hear tell there are childless not by choice women who are ‘over it’.
My brother said, ‘maybe one day you will realize how many people you have helped.’ He just could not understand how I could feel this way after telling him how the platform was finally taking a hold and growing.
My good friend said ‘you are not a fraud. Your primary audience is the women who feel the way you do. How could you talk to them if you did not understand how they feel?’ Then she recounted the multiple organizations and platforms that were created out of someone’s grief. I understood what she was saying. I understood what they both were saying. But will there ever come a Mother’s Day when my heart will be OK with remaining seated while all around me mothers stand up and accept their due recognition?
How could I possibly encourage childless not by choice people when my heart still breaks on Mother’s Day. It’s not too bad the other 364 days of the year. And I do not want to dim the light of recognition for mothers. After all, I have a mother. And every day I am thankful for her. But the fact is, the way God answered my prayers, my begging, my deal-making, was to not answer. Healing did not come. The adoption did not come. Honestly, I would have been more than OK with never marrying if I had had the child. But to hit a brick wall every turn I took was hard.
How am I supposed to convince other women that we can live relevant and joyful lives when I still battle sadness and a broken heart? How could I not be a fraud? But I am not. I am not because I battle those feelings and I help the childless not by choice anyway demographic anyway. When I battle and help, I am being transparent. And there is no such thing as a transparent fraud.
It can sometimes be difficult to watch others so easily get what you have begged, prayed, even bargained with God for. Negative thoughts and feelings can start to creep in, and start to overstay their welcome. And before you know it, the wrong comment at the wrong time could create an unwanted firestorm!
Allowing negative thoughts and feelings such as jealousy, envy, bitterness, and even hate; can create an emptiness inside. Life is too short to allow this negativity to live inside you.
Good news! You have all the control within you to fight those thoughts and feelings. You must fight them! But please know it boils down to choice. To live your best, most relevant and joyful life, you have to choose to deal with and manage your emotions and feelings.
These feelings are real. Every emotion and feeling is real. There have been many moments in my life when I had to fight back the tears. But I did not get envious or jealous. I never wanted what the other person had, I just wanted what I thought I deserved. What I did do was to question God a lot. ‘Why not me?’ ‘What did I do to deserve this childlessness?’ ‘What is so wrong with wanting a child?’ ‘Why was it so difficult for my prayers to be answered?’
I finally decided that entertaining negative emotions and feelings would not help in the long run. I realized that having children is something that is typically taken for granted. But I could not allow how easily children came to others, to affect my heart and my mind. I had to choose.
Choose instead, to entertain good, positive, self-affirming thoughts instead of the negative ones. Choose instead to manage your thoughts and feelings. Choose instead, to think about the good in your life although you did not get the children you wanted. Life did not work out the way you expected, but there is some amount of good happening for you. If there isn’t, create it! You have the power to do so!
Creating and living your best, most joyful life is your role. No one else can do that for you. Observing or envying the life of another woman is not healthy or good. And you do not need to live a negative, subpar life. Fight the negativity. Choose life.
As I get older, I’ve been thinking about what it might be like to be elderly and childless. Sometimes it is at the forefront of my thoughts, sometimes it is in the back of my mind. Either way, getting old and having no children is on my mind constantly. Not in a negative, overpowering, or dreaded way; but more like a low, just audible hum. I wonder as an elderly woman if I will be properly taken care of by strangers, if I must enter a long-term care or elder care facility. What if my mind goes and I am at the will and whim of strangers?
Those are valid thoughts and fears, aren’t they?
I am constantly thinking about the childless not by choice woman, at all ages and stages of her life. I am regularly asked what age group I have in mind when dealing with the childless, not by choice demographic. It’s all ages. From the time a woman finds out she cannot have children and on into her elder years. I don’t believe a woman ever heals from the hurt of childlessness. In fact, I am noticing more (affluent) women in their 40’s and 50’s, adopting or surrogating babies. Hoda Kotb, Janet Jackson, and Tyra Banks; to name a few.
But those of us who were just not able to have children or to adopt must have a plan. I interviewed Reshell Smith, a financial services advisor to discuss finances for the childless not by choice woman around the world. Click here to listen to our interview: Global Finance for Women
The plan can and should range from having a solid financial plan which includes but is not limited to the following: a life insurance policy or enough saved to bury yourself and pay off your debts. Purchasing a long-term care insurance plan. Having an idea of where you would like to live as you age. There are assisted living facilities where you still have some autonomy, but there is staff on hand if you need assistance. Then as you get older, a full-fledged nursing home. You cannot wait until you are too advanced in age to purchase insurance. At that point, insurance would be unaffordable or unattainable.
Our human nature tends to make us ignore the fact that if we live long enough, we will become elderly. The plans we need when we are elderly should have been obtained when they were affordable, during our younger years. There is a saying, ‘Those who fail to plan, plan to fail.’–Benjamin Franklin.
You remember when you were young don’t you and you thought you would be young forever. You probably even thought you were invincible. I know I did! And now I look ahead, reminding my Podcast listeners and my blog readers, to plan; hoping we make it to our end with our dignity intact. All while not having even one child to at least in part rely upon.
We don’t have children to take care of us in our elder years but because we want them. We want to love and nurture them into wonderful adults. At least that is the general idea.
What of elderly and childless, women and men, in countries where there is not even the minimal governmental plan, i.e. social security, Medicare, Medicaid? If you live in a country where at least social security exists, you have the opportunity for some semblance of a plan. Remember the elderly who live in countries where elder assistance does not exist, when you think you are too broke to have a plan.
And yes, even those with children, have no guarantee that any one of them would spare, create, or have the time to help them. Children are not a retirement plan, at least not in the Western world. No matter where in the world you live, have a plan.
Hello everyone! Thanks for stopping by! In this episode, I talk about the conversations I have had with various people about their journey through the world of childlessness. In particular I discuss, in general terms, a recent conversation I had.
I also thank my sponsors and supporters in this episode. This will be the first episode where their logos/links will appear at the footer of my website, http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net. I am so excited to be able to promote them on my website, and thankful that they trust and believe in my platform, my dream.
I also discuss the fact that it is important to seek assistance when we have been through trauma. And childlessness not by choice is trauma. Trauma is anything bad that was unexpected and unwanted. Bottom line. Speak to someone you trust, do not keep your thoughts and feelings bottled up. It will hurt you from the inside out.
Hello listeners! Thank you for tuning in once again! It is truly appreciated!
Today’s episode is right around 25 minutes, and I believe it will be a word of encouragement for everyone who listens. It is all about choice. You all know I talk about choice quite a bit. As women childless not by choice, we have to choose to have a good day no matter what we may run into. Decide, choose.
EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK. EVERYTHING IS OK. ALL IS WELL! ALL IS WELL!
I really like this episode. I mean, I like all of my episodes. They were all created for someone, to help someone. But honestly, I believe I am growing, and that’s what we should be doing right? I’m growing, my episodes are growing, and I am glad!
What is your source of comfort? Who is your source of comfort? Go to the source.
About you! What would you like to hear in my podcast episodes? What subject matters should we discuss? Would you be interested in being interviewed? Let me know. You can now leave a voicemail on my website, and of course feel free to drop me an email.
Thanks again for listening, and look below for my contact info! See you soon!
HERE IS MY CONTACT INFO:
This is a conversational blab interview with fellow Podcaster, award winning Dr. Vibe. It was such an honor to have Dr. Vibe co-host with me. I could not think of a better person to help get the word out about childlessness not by choice, from a man’s point of view.
This subject-matter of men childless not by choice is just as tough as women childless not by choice, just in a different way; because men and women act and react differently to adversity. But the hurt is the same.
Please feel free to share this interview especially with men who are childless not by choice. Please tell them there is an advocate on the scene, and that advocate’s name is Civilla M. Morgan!
Thank you to all of my listeners around the world! You all are awesome! Please continue to listen and share in 2016!
If you are childless not by choice, join my Closed Facebook group Childless Not by Choice. If you would prefer, I have a Private Facebook group as well. Contact me at booksbycivillamorgan on Facebook, to be added.
You may also subscribe for your free monthly newsletter, at my website.
I would love to start a men’s group on Facebook, so if you know of any men who would be interested, please have them contact me; and I will create a Closed and or Private group.
My contact information:
Hello everyone, I hope your year has gone well! Can you believe it is almost over?! Well, this podcast episode is my way of following up with you on a personal level. It is a re-cap of 2015, and expectations for 2016, and to thank you for your support! I hope you will continue to listen and share the 21st Century Hannah content in 2016!
In this episode, I also discuss how to interact with mothers, how to deal with people who say silly things about childless women, and how to maintain your identity as a woman who is childless and or husband-less. Many times when people recognize we are single and childless, especially as we get older; they think we have no life and that we do not really have a schedule that can be imposed upon. That is not the case! In this episode I remind you that you are a family unit in and of yourself. You are NOT a second class citizen. Create a schedule and make sure people respect you and your schedule!
I would like to take this time to thank Edmund Bullock (he’s my brother-in-law) for the music you hear at the beginning and ending of my episodes. Edmund is a talented musician who comes from a very long line of talented musicians. If you would like to contact him, do so at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Remember, you may always contact me at:
Facebook at booksbycivillamorgan
I look forward to even more interaction in 2016!