Podcast

Episode 95–Seamonster, my interview with Recording Artist Chiara Berardelli

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world. Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

Welcome to episode 95!

This podcast was created for and about the childless not by choice community on a global level, as well as for everyone who recognizes that not everyone is living the same type of life.

I would like to thank my sponsor Morgan Air Conditioning. Morgan Air can be reached by calling (813) 500-7765. Their email address is http://www.Morganair.net.

Along with a stellar business reputation in the Tampa, FL area, Morgan Air is also known and well received for giving back to the Tampa, FL community whether it is back to school drives or donating services to the less fortunate.

Thank you Morgan Air for recognizing the vision of Childless not by Choice, and being a part of it.

I would also like to thank Devoted, the musical duo who created my theme music. Thank you Devoted, for the beautiful theme music we use here at Childless not by Choice.

Devoted has had the opportunity to sing and play in many countries. To learn more about Devoted, visit their website at http://www.devotedministry.org.

Well, I have some VIP’s I need to give a shout out to!

  • Patreon Contributors: Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally.

Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!

 

https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice

  • Jordan Morgan
  • Ivy Calhoun


About/Intro:

Chiara Berardelli is an Italian Scottish singer-songwriter living in Glasgow, Scotland. She grew up playing classical piano but spent most of her time playing along to any songs that made it over the airwaves to the Highlands of Scotland.

Chiara left her job as a doctor to follow her passion and studied music and songwriting in London and Bath. A lover of words, chords, and honesty she writes confessional pop songs about life and how it affects her.

In 2010 she recorded her debut album ‘Don’t Be So Lovely’ with Mark Freegard (Eddi Reader, Del Amitri) at Kyoti studio, Glasgow and self-released a further EP,  ‘My Big Mouth’ in 2014.

Her new album, Seamonster, released on March 2nd, 2018, is her most personal project to date, inspired by the loss of her dream of becoming a mother. The songs depict a journey, from the crashing realisation that something so longed for is permanently out of reach in the title track to the tentative beginnings of finding joy again in the song Somewhere New.

Deep Space Hibernation, the lead single from the album, was chosen by Radio Scotland’s Janice Forsyth as her single of the week on the Afternoon Show and has also won an International Songwriting Award. Chiara will be launching the album in Scotland at the end of March and is planning a UK wide tour in the Autumn.

Questions:

I really like the ‘Another Planet’ track, tell us the back story.

Tell us about your album Seamonster?

How has the music helped you process childlessness?  How do you want it to help those of us who are listening to your music?

 

How long were you a practicing GP–general practitioner?

In our initial conversation, you mentioned you never wanted to be a doctor, but is there any aspect of it that you miss?

What kind of response do you get at your gigs, to the songs? Do you tell the audience the reason behind the album?

What does your family think about your new life calling?

When is your next gig?

Is there anything else you would like to tell us before we wrap up?

Chiara’s contact information:

https://www.chiaraberardelli.com

 

Articles and episodes mentioned in this episode:

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/childless-not-by-choice-shame/

My contact information:

Email: info@civillamorgan.com
Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice.  Remember, subscription to the podcast is free. Simply go to Apple Podcast, Stitcher Radio, Spotify, Overcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Search for Childless not by Choice, and hit subscribe. It’s that easy!

Also, if you would like to become a one time or ongoing sponsor, or if you would like to advertise your business or an upcoming event, contact me at info@civillamorgan.com for details.



Until next time! Bye!

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 

‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

Triggers: how to recognize them, face, them, and deal with them!

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

Welcome to episode 94!

•Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice

  • Jordan Morgan
  • Ivy Calhoun
  • Your Name Here

Discuss http://www.civillamorgan.com

  • I am available for speaking engagements.
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Episode content:

As I did the research for this episode, I realized there are quite a few types of triggers! Of course, because our podcast concentrates on childlessness not by choice, I am always concentrating on the triggers that affect us. The negative things people say and do to highlight our childlessness, whether unknowingly or on purpose.

But research showed that there are of course sexual assault triggers, there are PTSD triggers, there are emotional triggers, and the list goes on. But then there are also what I call individual triggers. For instance if as a child, you were abandoned by your parents whether literally or figuratively; as an adult, you can have abandonment triggers where if you are stood up for a date or someone does not return your phone calls or no longer wants to be your friend, you may not handle the separation or feelings of separation very well.  

Another ‘individual’ trigger might be having to endure the silent treatment as a child. If a parent were mad at you they would stop talking to you for a certain amount of time. As an adult, this silent treatment by a spouse or co-worker can create a triggering event.

What I noticed with many of these examples were that they were created in childhood.

This is where I believe our triggers as childless not by choice women may be different.  Our triggers happen once we are adults and hoping to be able to start a family, only to find out that we will never have the family we desired. We find out typically after a doctor’s appointment where we hear the bad news that we have been diagnosed with–insert diagnosis here–.

We then start to navigate a new journey, one we did not expect to have to. We slowly come to the realization that having children was never a guarantee. It took me a long time to come to that realization!

Yes, I know there are some women who knew when they were children that they would not be having any of their own. Typically because of something that happened to them as children or something they witnessed. Again, there is that common denominator: a childhood event.

But I still believe childless not by choice triggers are an adult event. So what are examples of childless not by choice triggers?

These are based on personal experience as well as the experiences childless not by choice women have advised in our group, that they have experienced:

  • Family members call out your childlessness in public by asking when you will be having children, advising you they are waiting for the next baby.
  • Family and friends who allowed you to have a relationship with their children, and then out of the clear blue stopped the relationship from continuing.
  • Family and friends who make passive aggressive comments about your childlessness.
  • Strangers who ask if you have children and then prolong your response with their heartless or thoughtless commentary.

These are just a few examples.  But the fact is, when any of these things happen, depending on where a childless not by choice woman or man may be in their journey, this type of commentary can send someone into a tailspin lasting a day or more.  

Those of us who have decided to deal with our triggers may not be sent into such a tailspin. We recognize the commentary as a pinprick to the heart versus a horse kick to the heart, as Jody Day so eloquently put it in episode 90: http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-90-my-interview-with-jody-day-founder-of-gateway-women/

So how does one get from a days-long tailspin to a temporary pin prick when dealing with triggers? I have said it in previous episodes, but here it is in a nutshell, based on a Google search:

       

‘First step is to beware of your triggers. Next, recognize when the wave is beginning. Take some simple steps like stopping what you are doing breathe deeply for 5–10 breaths to regain some emotional control. You can teach yourself to limit your emotions.’–Google.

Three questions to consider as you begin to face your triggers:

What are your triggers?

How do you feel when they take place?

How long do these feelings last?

   

This is an important step. In fact, think about these three question above before a triggering event, when you are in a calm place.  When you do this, you have faced the monster!

Next step: Remember, there is no way to avoid the triggers. In fact, it is not healthy. If you feel you cannot face the trigger or triggers alone, please see a therapist. Once you make the decision to face these triggers, you will feel a weight lift off of your shoulders. You are basically admitting to yourself that you have triggers surrounding your childlessness, and what those triggers are.  

When you admit these things to yourself, they are actually a strengthener to your psyche and even to your character. Remember, you cannot control how someone else treats you, but you can control your reaction to that treatment. When someone says or does something that could trigger you, and you have taken steps toward facing, recognizing, and dealing with said triggers; there is no way those triggers can affect you the same way as if you had not begun to deal with your triggers.

Can you see how important it is to face and deal with your triggers? It is very important. It will take time for you to get from days long tailspins to minutes long pinpricks, but it can happen. It all starts with you.  Isn’t that usually the case?

    

Be sure to check out the links I listed below.  They were used as research for this episode. I especially liked the article on the Psych Central website, ‘What is a Trigger? By U. of Alberta, Sexual Assault Centre’.

Articles and sites used for the research of this episode:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-a-trigger/

https://www.wikihow.com/Handle-Unavoidable-Anxiety-Triggers

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-18348/what-are-emotional-triggers-why-you-need-to-understand-them.html

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM


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Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

Until next time! Bye!

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless, not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 ‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

Sculptor of image used for this episode is called Mélancolie” by Albert Gyorgy Geneva, Switzerland

Episode 93–My On Location Episode Recorded at Podcast Movement 2018

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless, not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

•Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice


  • Jordan Morgan

    Well, by the time you hear this episode I will be back home from my first time attending a Podcast Movement Convention, a convention for podcasters and would be podcasters. Podcast Movement 2018 is being held in Philadelphia, PA, this year. Technically it’s my first visit, but my voice went to Podcast Movement 2017 which was held in Anaheim, as I was asked to do voice over at that event for the award ceremony segment.

 

Well, as I speak, it is the morning of day 2 of the convention. I had to grab coffee on the way to this recording to be sure I was coherent! I would like to thank the people at Talkshoe for affording me the opportunity to record live from Podcast Movement 2018! Thank you Talkshoe! And I would also like to thank Heil, the makers of microphones, headphones, and pertinent audio and sound gear. And of course Steve Stewart, Podcast Producer, Director of FinCon Podcast Network.

 

Well, if you’ve been listening to Childless not by Choice for any length of time, you know how much I love the medium of podcasting because it has allowed me to get the word out globally that we, the childless not by choice community, does exist, in plain sight!  

I am blessed to be able to attend Podcast Movement 2018, as it adds another layer of learning and going to the next level in my commitment to you and to the craft that allows me to speak directly to you.

Well, as the month of July comes to a close, so does my month-long celebration of three years of podcasting. The celebration may be coming to an end, but the joy in my heart because I get to give a voice to us, and I get to encourage you, that will continue on. Thank you for celebrating with me this month!

In fact, the only thing cooler is when I get to hear from you when you’ve listened to an episode that helped you so much, like this message I received via Facebook DM:

Quote: ‘Hi Civilla! I was listening to your podcast episode 59 Endometriosis. I was suffering from that horrible disease for years and years since I was 22 yrs old. I remember you told me that you noticed a turn for the better in my comments on FB. Well, I did some of the things that you talked about in the podcast. I went to talk therapy, got several medical opinions regarding the disease in my body, and I found a doctor that did the Excision of Adhesion surgery. And I’ve been great ever since! Only I haven’t gotten pregnant. But at least I feel better, ttyl.’–TG. –unquote.

  Wow! It doesn’t get any better than this!

  You know, as I read that message the first time, I was so touched by the timing. I tend to get a message or email like this right after I finished wondering if I am really getting through to anyone! It never fails! Lol!

 As I read it again, I started thinking about how my suggestions are based on personal experiences. Honestly, it is sometimes bittersweet. as I sometimes look back on my experiences, and there are things I wish I had done, or done differently or things that I had known. But I can’t dwell back there, in the past. And neither can you. We must look ahead, face forward even if we still feel immobilized by grief.

 

   Here is another message I received just a couple days ago, from a Childless not by Choice with Civilla Morgan Facebook group member:    

 I just listened to this podcast and I’m very grateful that something like this is available for I wouldn’t be around since experiencing becoming childless…. I also watched the youtube video by Dr. Cristina and it hit the nail about what I’m dealing with… I still have my down days and I have not attended anything dedicated to children (recently a baby dedication happened at church which I saw ahead of time when it was going to happen so I didn’t go)… I know by listening to these podcasts will help encourage me to keep looking up and finding that acceptance to being childless… as I’m approaching a year of my surgery… I looking at this from a different angle and now hope that churches see that this is a real deal and they should open their hearts to those of us who are not able to have children so they can see we are as important just like the mommies and daddies…Thank you Civilla for putting these together for I know I am not alone and even with tears falling that I am loved and valuable even though I can’t have my own children.–Staci M.

   She is referring to episode 91–celebration of three years of podcasting. And the YouTube video she is referring to, I will put the link in the show notes. THAT is a powerful video by a wonderful doctor, who is childless not by choice.   

   Look, It is already difficult enough that grief comes in waves, and as we move along in our journey the time between each wave can be longer than when we first realized we would not have children. In the beginning, the waves were seconds or minutes apart. Now, they may be days and months apart. And yes, there are triggers. And the triggers are different for everyone. And triggers can bring a wave crashing into our peaceful surf. You guys know how much I love the beach!

   Don’t ignore your triggers, but do not allow them to run your life either. Recognize them, do what you must to manage them: see a therapist. Remember episode 88, where I interviewed Licensed Therapist Christy Jordan? Her contact information is in the show notes for that episode. And I will be adding her information to the Resource tab on the website.

 Talk to a trusted friend or spiritual leader. Join a virtual community like ours which is on the website, http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, or search for a local area MeetUp with a positive spirit, or vibe.  It doesn’t make sense to sit and chat with women who are also childless and come away from the conversation feeling more depressed.

  And remember, if you would like to speak with me one on one, the instructions are on the Shop tab on the website. Bottom line, there is nothing wrong with triggers. We are humans dealing with something that in most cases we did not think we would have to. Especially when we are surrounded by family members who had multiple children with no problem.  

  And of course remember to get a second opinion, as TG did, in the above message. Second opinions are very important, especially if what the first opinion is suggesting is questionable in your mind, or irreversible.  This is why I say it so often: get a second opinion. Getting a second opinion is not disrespectful to your doctor. Indeed, they almost always expect you to do it when they give you a bad report. So please do not be afraid. You only have one body. And if they are talking hysterectomy, you only have one uterus. Review all of your options.

   It took me 10 years to come to the realization that my only option would be a hysterectomy. No doctor could convince me before I was ready. And they did try. That was the reason for my requesting a second opinion. A doctor who instantly suggested a hysterectomy after my first visit. This was although he knew I had no children. He asked if I wanted children, and I told him I did.

  I left his office and never went back. My new OB/Gyn would be the one who stood by me as I waited, hoping to meet Mr. Right. It was only when I finally decided to have the hysterectomy, that he advised me I would have an exponentially better quality of life, I did not care. I was about to lose the ability to carry a baby. And none of it was fair.

   I felt good the morning of the surgery. I felt strong.

   I felt a little twinge of ‘what have I done?’ after the surgery, but honestly, it did not last long. There was that moment I have told you guys about where I cried incessantly until I decided to visit a psychiatrist, but my OB/GYN was right, my quality of life has gotten better exponentially.

  What I am saying is, find a doctor you trust, review his or her findings, and make a decision. Don’t blow things off especially if a cancer diagnosis is involved. I did not have that diagnosis, so waiting around for Mr. Right for 10 years was uncomfortable, embarrassing, depressing, but cancer was not a part of my story.

Bottom line, exercise common sense, have a say in your treatment and do what is best for you. It is your body!    

   And remember, if you do have a hysterectomy, there is a PDF on the Resource tab for post-hysterectomy care. I can’t tell you why doctors do not tell their patients the practical things, like waiting a few weeks before wearing heels. Heels put pressure on your midsection that you do not feel until you have a surgery like that. That is no good for the healing process.

  Wear loose clothing the first few days or weeks. I still cannot answer the question as to why I wore jeans with a belt to an MD appointment shortly after one of my several myomectomies.

  Common sense things like these will help you heal faster. Check out the PDF list for more information.      

 

And thanks again for tuning in. Until next time, bye!

 

Articles of note:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XcAzx0jlhI&t=9s

 

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-88-finding-hope-today-my-interview-with-licensed-therapist-christy-jordan/

 

https://www.mamamia.com.au/childfree/

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/wires/pa/article-6037381/Caution-urged-social-egg-freezing.html

 

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
Things I said in this episode:
‘You want to heal properly or you will never heal properly.’


Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

Until next time! Bye!

 

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless, not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 

‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

 

 

My Childlessness Is Not My Fault

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

•Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice


  • Jordan Morgan

 

It may seem that way, as I am using the possessive adjective to describe the fact that I am childless. That my life did not turn out the way I expected it would. But the more important issue is that human beings tend to blame each other for things we cannot control. My childlessness is not my fault.

 

If you are a Bible reader, you may recall the story of the man with the shriveled or withered hand. The Disciples asked Jesus if it was his parent’s fault or his, why his hand was withered. Jesus’ answer was ‘it’s nobody’s fault.’

 

Be honest, have you never wondered to yourself ‘what in the world did he/she do to deserve that?’ when you see something bad, horrible, or horrific happen to someone. You may have even heard someone verbalize it as ‘karma’, or ‘what goes around comes around’. As human beings, we figure it’s just payback.

 

But isn’t it possible that stuff just happens? Don’t we live in a world where stuff really just happens? I believe we do. Yes, I believe to an extent that what goes around comes around. That we should treat people the way we would want to be treated. But we all know that it rains on the just and the unjust. The difference though is how we manage the cards we have been dealt. In fact, having or obtaining the tools for managing the cards we have been dealt.   

 

I believe one of those tools for any problem or issue you or I have, is community. I strongly believe that when we belong to a community of strong, positive, people who want to get better and not wallow in the self-pity of what happened to us or what did not happen for us.  

 

Community protects us from those who secretly or passive-aggressively nicely tell us that we did not pray hard enough for a child. Some of us are told not to give up even though we no longer have a uterus. Indeed, some are told so even when they were born without one. I especially like the ‘well, it was not meant to be’. It is one of my favorites. Right up there with ‘you should be happy you don’t have kids, they are a lot of work’. These are the same people who tell you that ‘you don’t have kids, so you would not understand.’

 

And sometimes these remarks come from the lips of the same person. ‘Be glad you don’t have kids, they are a lot of work’, and ‘you wouldn’t understand, you don’t have kids.’  Which one of us seems unhinged? Because unhinged, among other things, is what many childless women are called. And God forbid if we are also single. Then we are weird, overzealous with our nieces and nephews, lonely, clingy, needy, or mean.

Society says that’s why we did not get married or have children: We chose the career over the kid, or as a friend of my mom once told her, I was too picky. Mind you, this woman couldn’t pick me out in a crowd. She knew nothing about me, but she knew I was being too picky and that is why I never married.

 

Well, regardless of the cards we have been dealt, I believe we can all be weird, overzealous with the children in our lives, clingy, needy, picky, or mean! After all, we are all human beings first, and none of us are what has happened to us or what did not happen for us, however.  

 

So the next time your initial response is to blame someone for their ‘condition’, do a quick self-check and remind yourself ‘it’s not my fault it’s not your fault. Stuff happens.’  How we deal our cards is what sets us apart.

 

Blog:

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/my-childlessness-is-not-my-fault/

Articles of note:

 

https://drsuetalks.blogspot.com/2018/07/should-fertility-clinics-deny-treatment.html

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM




Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

Until next time! Bye!

 

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 

‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

Episode 91–Celebrating Three Years of Podcasting!

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

• Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice

  • Jordan Morgan

Well, when I set out three years ago to do this thing called podcasting, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Fortunately, some awesome people came alongside me along the way. The first few episodes reflect my fear, or my effort to hide my fear.

The newer episodes still make me cringe when I hear them, or if I see someone going through and listening to the entire library. I pray they don’t judge me, lol. But as I just surpassed episode 90, I can honestly say things have gotten much better. There are fewer nightmare scenarios. They happen, but they are less.

I will admit that I actually cried for the first time over an episode not too long ago. I will not tell you which one of course. I mean the tears just streamed down my face almost without notice. Suddenly they were just there and would not stop! I would have done anything not to have cried in front of my poor podcast producer. He was very stoic about the whole thing and worked so hard to fix the issue. It actually turned out really well. I continue to be eternally grateful for him. Talk about an answer to prayer three years ago!

As the months and years have gone by, I have received more and more emails and Direct Messages. People are slowly coming out of the woodwork and reaching out. I want to tell you that I know how tough it is and that I will probably not hear from many of you. And that is OK, but just keep listening and allow your heart to heal.

And for those of you who do reach out, thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is your notes and letters that keep me going.

Like this recently received email: Dr. Cristina.

When I saw her video on YouTube, I was speechless. I will be putting the link to said video in the show notes.

And I will be working on and researching for this episode soon. I am actually really looking forward to it as I would never have put PTSD and infertility together. Our mind and body are amazing, aren’t they? Intricate and basic at the same time.

Thank you, Dr. Cristina, for your wonderful email.       

Or this Facebook DM that I received from Diana, and for which I created episode 89. I will put the link to that episode in the show notes.

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-89-unexplained-infertility-aka-idiopathic-infertility/

 

Or this May 2018 message from Carol where she referenced my interview with Chelsea Patterson Sobolik in episode 86.

Every episode I mention there will be a link to that episode in the show notes.

 

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-86-longing-for-motherhood-holding-onto-hope-in-the-midst-of-childlessness-my-interview-with-chelsea-patterson-sobolik/

I am so thankful for that timely episode so that Carol and so many other women who sit in church probably feeling less than, can realize that not all prayers are answered the same way. As Chelsea said in episode 86, not every story ends with a neat bow.

Well, the platform continues to grow. There are now well over 300 women in the Facebook group, and we are continuing to grow the Community over on the website. The Community set up is similar to Facebook except it allows for more conversation, groups, and forums. You simply have to log in and join the conversation. The community is on the website, http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net. See my contact info in the show notes.

This is year three of podcasting, but November will mark year four of the creation of this platform. As I mentioned earlier, some wonderful people have come alongside and helped me in the back end. My Podcast Producer Kevin Scullion of Alba Digital Media. He also maintains my website. My theme music created by Devoted, and Morgan Air who sponsors this podcast.  I have been asked what airconditioning has to do with a childless not by choice podcast. And my response is, What does air conditioning have to do with donating backpacks to kids who would not otherwise be able to afford them?

If you see a need fill it. When you know there are hurting hearts all over the globe and you feel lead to help whomever you can, branding is not necessarily a deterrent. Having said that, I would love more sponsors.

Sponsorship opportunities are available for as short as one month, for example, if you have an upcoming event. You may also sponsor the show for three months, six months, one year, or more.  

Email me or DM me and I will send you the application.  

Sponsorship money and Patreon contributions are reinvested into the podcast and the entire platform. I want to build courses directly into my website, and the platform for those courses are not cheap. I also plan to upgrade my podcast system, including building or buying a portable sound booth. Every penny will be put to use.

Enough about money…for now.

 

Well, here’s to many, many more years of Podcasting, creating conversation and awareness, and watching hearts heal.

My sincerest thanks to you for listening, conversing, and sharing this platform.

Before I sign off, I would love for you to hear this wonderful message that was left on my website:

Message from Mareshah.         

Episodes/articles mentioned in today’s episode:

Episode 86–see link above

Episode 89–see link above

Dr. Cristina Archetti’s YouTube video: ‘Embodied’:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XcAzx0jlhI&t=4s

Blog: The 40th Anniversary of-of IVF:

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/ivf-infertility-treatment-how-change-louise-brown-motherhood-a8332241.html

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM


Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

Until next time! Bye!

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 

‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

Episode 90–My interview with Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here! I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

 

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

 

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

  • Jordan Morgan

Just a reminder, visit the website where you can join the community group, check out all podcast episodes, blogs, and resources  http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, the website is where the conversation is happening.

Well, we have a special guest today!

Intro Jody:

Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women, is author of the best-selling book ‘Living the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfilling Future Without Children’, and the best selling book ‘Rocking The Life Unexpected–.  She is a founding member and former board member at http://www.awoc.org (Ageing Without Children).

Her TEDx talk, ‘The Lost Tribe of Childless Women’ was given at TEDxHull in March 2017 and has had more than 27K views.

Jody was honoured in BBC’S 100 Women in 2013. And she is a trainee psychotherapist, and a former fellow in Social Innovation at Cambridge Judge Business School, Cambridge University.

She runs workshops, online courses, a global online community and global social events for women coming to terms with a life that doesn’t include motherhood, and is currently training other women to lead her workshops in the UK, Ireland, Europe, The USA & Canada. She plans to train more in Australia and New Zealand in the near future.

Gateway Women has an aggregated social reach of over 2-million, between the website, various social media platforms, and its global public and private communities.

Jody was partnered/married for 16 years in her 20s and 30s, during which she experienced unexplained infertility after an abortion in her very early 20s. She was single for many years before meeting her current partner. They divide their time between Ireland and Ibiza.

Welcome, Jody:

I’m going to start out by going way back in time:

Your article ‘I may not be a mother – but I’m still a person’–written in The Guardian Newspaper, –Friday, February 24, 2012…

  1. As I read the article, I could feel my heart breaking for the way you were treated at the party. I know the article was written so long ago, and it is not healthy to dwell on things, but what comes to mind when or if you think back to those times and events?  

 

2) Why did you name your platform Gateway Women?

3) I read a quote recently: ‘When our broken dreams have cost us so dear, dreaming a new dream takes great courage’.–It was attributed to Gateway Women. Was that your quote? Either way, how do you grasp the courage to dream a new dream?

4) As I read through your intro in ‘Living the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfilling Future Without Children’, I stopped short at the section where you considered doing volunteer work in Kabul, but reconsidered because you did not think you could deal with the Kabul winter. You weren’t even considering the fact that Kabul was in the middle of a war and that you could become a casualty. I definitely understand the level of grief where we do not even consider our safety. How do you get people outside of the childless not by choice demographic to understand that level of grief. Do you even bother?     

5) In chapter one, you talk about the ‘universe of pain, heartbreak, surprise, dashed hopes, shock and grief…’ and the word shock jumped out at me. Shock for me was delayed…and then it came and went in waves. Which one of those nouns jumps out at you, if any? How did you overcome?

6) I’ve been questioned about how I am childless not by choice because I did not meet Mr. Right. It wasn’t an infertility issue, it was a social issue (no Mr. Right) plus biology (fibroids) equals no children. I read your list of 50 ways to be childless not by choice. My reason was number one! I got a little chuckle as it always amazes me how people can see you but not see you.  Do you ever get tired of telling your story, explaining your childless? Or does it make a difference who the audience is?

7) (Ch. 3) Life can be tough. Motherhood can be tough. Childlessness can be tough. Well, we all know life can be tough. How do we get the motherhood camp and the childless camp that life is indeed tough no matter which camp we belong to, that being childless is not a free ride?       

8) In chapter 3 I believe, you say:

‘Ideology is that which everyone believes to be ‘true’, but it’s actually a mixture of accepted prevalent beliefs that serve to support the dominant power group. Up until 500 years ago everyone thought the world was flat. That was an idea, not a truth, and around it was created a powerful ideology of Western Europe being at the centre of the world. So perhaps the ‘belief’ that a woman can only have a meaningful life if she is a mother may prove to be an ideological one and not the purely biological one that many of us have come to believe.’  Do you think society can really get past this ‘biological’ process we have utilized since the dawn of time?

Is it just a matter of society learning to embrace empathy?

9) Chapter 4, ‘Grief is a dialogue not a monologue’ —

‘Just as one of the most painful romantic experiences is ‘unrequited love’, I think that disenfranchised grief is a form of ‘unrequited grief’–a grief that is not allowed to be expressed, not allowed to be in a relationship.  But grief cannot move into its active state, ‘grieving’, without a relationship because grief is a dialogue not a monologue. And until we find a place to have that dialogue, either face to face, online, or with a skilled therapist, it stays wedged in our hearts like a splinter.  And it festers as it waits, infecting our life and our soul with sadness.’ (Location 1215 in Kindle).

Not only do we need to dialogue, but it is important to dialogue with someone who understands our pain. This is why community is so important isn’t it?

10) I never thought of the term ‘double whammy’ as possibly patriarchal until I read your book. It made me take a look at the way I use the term to describe what has happened in my life–no husband, no children. The last thing I want is to be pitied.  What an eye opener!

 

I had so many more questions, but I had to cut it off somewhere. I do need to mention that as I read about how families treat the childless not by choice family members among them. I have experienced this to some level, as I am sure almost all childless not by choice women have.

11) I read about the one woman who was forced out of her own bedroom to sleep in a tent in the garden to make room for her young niece! I was like, ‘are you kidding me???’  

I love your suggestion that the time to negotiate proper treatment during family get togethers is not right before the get together.

I talk about kind but firm boundaries quite a bit on my platform. The bottom line is, we need to as childless not by choice women, condition or train the people around us, as to how we expect to be treated. But at the same time, we have to believe we deserve respect, and it can be hard depending on where we are in our journey. If we are feeling shame and then our family and friends shame us, we will probably just allow the shame to continue at least for a time.  

Oh my goodness, there is so much more: The Spinster stereotype, the doting aunt stereotype, the older childless woman being a witch or the mean Cruella de Ville…my mom got married at age 28, and on her marriage certificate it says her previous status was Spinster. She was 28!

I have always been offended with that language. But my mom always said those were the days. It doesn’t seem like much has changed.

 

Is there anything you would like to add, anything you would like to say before we close out?

NOTE: Read more about the fetishism of motherhood in chapter 3. It is deep! Chapters 8-10 pressed all types of buttons for me. Please do take the opportunity to read this book. I think you will thoroughly enjoy it!

Books by Jody Day:

‘Living the Life Unexpected, 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfilling Future Without Children’

Articles/Blogs written by Jody Day:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/25/child-free-women-jody-day

Jody’s contact information:

https://gateway-women.com/

Twitter: @GatewayWomen

Instagram: @GatewayWomen

Facebook: @GatewayWomenUK

Email: Jody@gateway-women.com

http://www.awoc.org

‘It’s not a when, it’s an if.’–Jody Day.

Articles of note/episodes mentioned in this episode:

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-72-male-and-childless-not-by-choice-my-interview-with-dr-robin-hadley/

http://allafrica.com/stories/201806050128.html

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM


Please help me out by taking this very short survey!
https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah


Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

Until next time! Bye!

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless, not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

 

Episode 89–Unexplained infertility, aka idiopathic infertility

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here! I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

 

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon and become a Patron!)

 

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

  • Jordan Morgan

I’ve done episodes on various types of infertility disease states such as Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, PCOS, MRKH, Fibroids, to name a few. In the case of these diagnoses, you have just that, a diagnosis. Indeed, you have the proof that comes along with or proves the diagnosis. There’s the scar tissue of endometriosis, the constant not taking a baby to term in miscarriage, the cysts, the tumors. The ugly proof truth is there constantly. The side effects are there, and the surgery suggestions that come with some of these diagnoses. But what about when no one knows why you are not getting pregnant?     

Welcome to episode 89–Unexplained infertility

I received the following message back in April:

‘While listening to your PCOS segment, I wondered if you have ever done an unexplained infertility seg. If you haven’t I would like to ask you to think about doing one because it is something that isn’t talked about often enough. I have unexplained fertility and I feel it is the greatest struggle of my life. It is a mystery disease that makes doctors shrug as there is no cure if there is no disease other than lack of pregnancy. I am currently fighting it by following a strict keto diet of low carb high fiber veggies, no sugars or processed carbs and fatty meats. I listen to your podcasts while at the gym because they make me feel less alone, and that you are fighting my disease with me. Thank you for your time.’—Diana.’

So, let’s talk about unexplained infertility…

Unexplained infertility, aka idiopathic infertility

According to a CDC article on Womenshealth.gov,

Infertility means not being able to get pregnant after one year of trying (or six months if a woman is 35 or older). Women who can get pregnant but are unable to stay pregnant may also be infertile. About 10 percent of women (6.1 million) in the United States ages 15-44 have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant’.

Unexplained infertility and female age

And…

According to https://www.advancedfertility.com/unexplai.htm

The likelihood of a diagnosis of unexplained infertility is increased substantially in women 35 and over – and greatly increased in women over 38. The reason for this is that there are more likely to be egg quantity and quality problems as women age. Since we do not have a “standard category” called egg factor infertility, these couples sometimes get lumped into the “unexplained” infertility category.

Most women over 40 who try to get pregnant will have difficulty, and fertility over age 44 is rare – even in women who are ovulating regularly every month. The point is that the older the female partner, the more likely that there is an egg-related issue causing the fertility problem. Unfortunately, there is currently no specific test for “egg quality”. (I did not know there was not a test for egg quality.)

Also mentioned on the same website…

Chance for getting pregnant on own – without fertility treatment – for couples with unexplained infertility

The duration of infertility is important. The longer the infertility, the less likely the couple is to conceive on their own. After 5 years of infertility, a couple with unexplained infertility has less than a 10% chance for success on their own.

One study showed that for couples with unexplained infertility and over 3 years of trying on their own, the cumulative pregnancy rate after 24 months of attempting conception without any treatment was 28%. This number was found to be reduced by 10% for each year that the female is over 31.

(Reference: Collins, JA, and Rowe, TC. Fertility and Sterility 1989;[52:15]-20.)

According to verywellfamily.com.

I found the following quite interesting, and I would strongly suggest you check out the site, but listen to this: they seem to believe there is a fundamental difference between two terms that seem to be used interchangeably:

Unexplained Infertility vs. Idiopathic Female or Male Infertility

They say,

It’s important to clarify that unexplained infertility is not the same as idiopathic female or male infertility.

Idiopathic means unexplained. But when a doctor talks about idiopathic male infertility, for example, they have already determined the man is infertile. His semen analysis results were not normal.

Why are the semen analysis results not normal? That may not be known. If the doctor can’t determine the cause, they may say he has idiopathic male infertile.

Idiopathic female infertility may occur when a woman isn’t ovulating regularly or normally, but it’s unclear why ovulation isn’t happening when it should.

In both of the examples above, it’s known why the couple can’t conceive—she isn’t ovulating, or his semen isn’t in the fertile range.

With unexplained infertility, the eggs are coming, the sperm are fine, but the couple still isn’t getting pregnant.

So that’s the bottom line with regards to the term or terms: unexplained infertility and idiopathic infertility. But as I researched whichever term you want to use, I will call it unexplained infertility to keep it simple, I started reading about secondary diseases that can cause infertility. Like Celiac Disease for instance!  The link to that article is in the show notes.

https://www.verywellhealth.com/celiac-disease-and-infertility-562998

So, if you are dealing with any other disease, or think you may be, it may be a great idea to speak with your doctor about the possibility of a secondary disease interfering with your fertility. And remember, get a second opinion.

The issue of Celiac Disease also came up in Heather Huhman’s HuffPost article. I put the link in the show notes.  I am not going into detail on Celiac Disease here because the episode is not about that, but about unexplained infertility. But I strongly suggest you read up on it if you have been diagnosed or suspect you have the condition.  

I’m listing the episode link below because some of my research for this episode included information from Heather Huhman:

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-58-pcos-polycystic-ovarian-syndrome/

Some other interesting things I found out in my research: Google

‘Not enough water, not drinking enough water — or drinking too many unhealthy beverages like sodas, coffee or alcohol — can lead to dehydration and negative effects upon your fertility… –Apr 21, 2015’

‘Ginger Ginger is an incredible food that reduces inflammatory responses in the body (good for fertility) and encourages healthy, gentle, detoxification (good for fertility). It also helps in overall digestion, which increases your ability to nourish yourself. Mar 28, 2017’

There were more suggestions on foods, herbs, and nutrition in general. I will let you do the research on that as we are all different and different things work for different people.  And I do not want to get bogged down in sounding like I am suggesting a cure for infertility.

Articles of note:

http://allafrica.com/stories/201806050128.html

Articles on idiopathic infertility:

https://www.womenshealth.gov/a-z-topics/infertility

https://www.thebump.com/a/celiac-disease-during-pregnancy

http://www.winfertility.com/a-success-story-pregnant-after-unexplained-infertility/

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/252824.php

https://www.advancedfertility.com/unexplai.htm

https://www.verywellfamily.com/explanations-for-unexplained-infertility-4081776

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/heather-huhman/5-frustrating-facts-about_b_7632640.html

https://celiac.org/celiac-disease/understanding-celiac-disease-2/what-is-celiac-disease/

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM


Please help me out by taking this very short survey!
https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah


Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

Until next time! Bye!

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 

‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

Episode 88–Finding Hope Today, My interview with Licensed Therapist Christy Jordan

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here! I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

   

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

 

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

  • Jordan Morgan

Well, we have a special guest today!

Introduce Christy:

Christy Jordan is a certified addictions professional and mental health counselor with over 10 years experiencing working with individuals, families, and couples.  Her focus is helping others find hope to overcome life’s obstacles and creating a life without bondage whether that is in their relationships or as individuals. She provided office and online sessions based on clients needs working with clients internationally and locally.  Her website is http://www.findinghopetoday.com where you may contact her directly, or find more information on her experience and expertise.

 

Welcome, Christy:

Well, let’s jump into the questions!  

1)My question for the therapist is about intimacy in marriage.  Now that my husband and I are working on accepting our childlessness, it feels like intimacy is no longer a priority.  I sometimes feel like he finds other things (work, hobbies) to keep himself occupied. I understand that this may be part of the grief process but my question is… as a couple, how do we keep the intimacy and communication alive in the marriage while we adjust/ accept our CNBC status?

2a) Is when as a couple you get to the point of realizing it really is not going to happen and “you are an empty nester without ever being a nester” how do you keep it all alive?  

2b) How does a couple transition into the “new and different dreams”?  Is it just easier said than done?


3) How do you let go of any resentment towards yourself because you are the reason as a couple there are no kids.

4) Another question from one of the group members: Can you talk to us about how legacy looks for the childless not by choice woman, man, couple?

4a) Can you talk about the consideration for divorce when a spouse refuses to consider adoption?

5a) How do you stop thinking if there will be anyone to take care of you?

5b) Will you ever find lasting peace with your CNBC journey?

Christy’s contact information:

http://www.findinghopetoday.com

Books and other resources recommended by Christy:

‘The Bondage Breaker’, by Neil T. Anderson

‘Communication, Sex, Money’-Edwin Louis Cole

‘Boundaries in Marriage–(great for communication strategies), by Dr. Henry Cloud

Also…

Dale Partridge has a great blog and teachings on purpose and legacy

 

Thought Redirection Techniques (these are third party websites, and in no way connected with the Childless not by Choice platform. These sites are listed here solely to help you find additional assistance in mindset and thought process on  your childless not by choice journey.)  

https://mrsmindfulness.com/the-four-keys-to-overcoming-negative-thinkingfor-good/

 

https://learnevolveandthrive.com/how-to-redirect-your-thoughts-when-you-experience-emotional-pain/

 

https://chopra.com/articles/the-art-of-redirecting-negative-thoughts

‘Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.’–Philippians 4:8.

 

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com
Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM


Please help me out by taking this very short survey!
https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah


Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice.

I appreciate it!

Until next time! Bye!

 

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

Episode 87–Post-Mother’s Day Monologue, How did you do?

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here! I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

 

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

 

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

  • Jordan Morgan

Well, this is a short post-Mother’s Day episode where I stop by to catch up with you. How did you do? I hope all went well. 

We are always thankful that our moms are recognized. But there is that dread because there is no one to call us mommy. That elephant in the room!

Be sure to check out the tips, ‘ Self-care tips for the childless not by choice woman on Mother’s Day’.

Other episodes mentioned in this episode:

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-65-my-interview-with-mrs-maureen-hornstein/

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/childless-not-by-choice-shame/

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-86-longing-for-motherhood-holding-onto-hope-in-the-midst-of-childlessness-my-interview-with-chelsea-patterson-sobolik/

We have that internal battle going on, negative thoughts and feelings, society’s norms, how others feel about us, other people imposing their opinions on us.

If Mother’s Day didn’t go so well this year, there is always next year!

There are so many childless not by choice platforms.  I don’t want you to feel like there are no resources out there like I felt when I first realized I would not be having any children.

Global conversation for and about the of the childless not by choice demographic is taking place!

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM


Please help me out by taking this very short survey!


https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah


Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice.

I appreciate it!

 

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

Until next time! Bye!

Episode 86–‘Longing for Motherhood, Holding onto hope in the midst of childlessness’, My Interview with Chelsea Patterson Sobolik

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here! I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

  • Jordan Morgan

Well, today we have a special guest!

Intro: Chelsea Patterson Sobolik says about herself, ‘There are many ways I could describe myself – wife, author, Congressional staffer, daughter, friend, lover of coffee, fresh flowers, and acoustic music, but the most important thing to know about me is that my heart, mind, and soul belong to my Savior, Jesus Christ. He saved my soul from the eternal separation that I rightly deserve due to my sin, adopted me, redeemed me and calls me His own.

When I’m not writing, I’m working my full-time job, as a Legislative Assistant on child welfare policy on Capitol Hill – basically, I get to help work on policies that would make adoption and foster care better, and help improve the lives of children.

My heart lights on fire whenever I get to write or talk about adoption! A large part of that stems from the fact that I was adopted from Bucharest, Romania as a child. Apart from my salvation, being adopted is the greatest gift I’ve ever received. I grew up in North Carolina, with five adopted siblings from Eastern Europe!  I am a graduate of Liberty University.

My husband Michael and I call Washington D.C. home as of a couple of years ago, and it’s been the adventure of a lifetime. While I do miss parts of the south – for instance, people smiling at me and being generally more kind, D.C. quickly became home. I live on Capitol Hill, just a few blocks away from the Capitol, and  I work for one of my heroes. DC stole my heart, and I love getting to do life here.

Welcome, Chelsea!

Well, I think I wrote down 20 questions and points that stood out to me as I read your book. It was so hard to pull out just a few. But let’s get started!

  1. The Gospel Coalition website has a blog post you wrote back in January 2017.  I’ve put the link to that post in the show notes under your contact information. But some of us were not able to adopt.

In fact ‘why don’t you just adopt’ is a question every childless not by choice woman I know has been asked.

It’s actually a pet peeve in the childless not by choice community, because if we had wanted to or were able to adopt, we would have.

The average adoption these days is about $30k. Your job description is to work ‘as a Legislative Assistant on child welfare policy on Capitol Hill – basically, I get to help work on policies that would make adoption and foster care better, and help improve the lives of children.’

Was that on purpose? Do you ever have moments when you feel left out?

2) As I read the foreword to your book ‘Longing for Motherhood, the author of the foreword said, he ‘fully expects that sometime after this book is published and in your hands, Chelsea will, in fact, find herself a mother of children…but if not, she is not deprived.’ I had to read that a couple of times…but I was a little confused, especially after reading the reason for your childlessness–Mayer–Rokitansky–Küster–Hauser syndrome (MRKH). I even wondered if he referred to your job of helping to make the adoption process easier?  

3) I recognized so many parallels between your experience and mine as I read your book. Grief is truly a globally felt and understood, or maybe I should say misunderstood, language; regardless of anything else that may differentiate us.  I begged and bargained with God. I told my mom she has five children of her own, and that she did not really understand my pain. Grief made me angry. Would you speak to the woman who is currently in the midst of the anger phase of her grief?  

4) In the chapter, ‘Equipping the church to care for the childless’,  Thank you by the way, for highlighting the fact that some women are not only childless, we are husbandless. It’s what I like to call the double whammy. What do you think it will take to get the church to realize that the congregation is now more than ever, made up of more than mom, dad, and kids, but that there are single never married people, there are widowed people, there are childless people?

5)  In chapter two, you talked about redeeming the dead time in the day. It is so important to protect our thought life, isn’t it?

6) You mention that it is OK not to be OK. Can you encourage the woman or man out there, that is not feeling OK and wonders how to get through those feelings?

7) Well, as I mentioned in the beginning, I had so many notes, but as we wrap up, would you leave us with a word of encouragement with something you said in chapter 3: ‘your trials have an expiration date?

8) Chelsea, thank you so much for your time today. You are speaking to women and men who listen all around the world. You have a global audience. Is there anything else you would like to add that we should have covered?  

Thank you for your time today Chelsea!

Chelsea’s contact information:

Website: http://www.chelseapattersonsobolik.com

Book: ‘Longing for Motherhood, Holding onto Hope in the Midst of Childlessness’

Blog posts:

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/today-is-my-birthday-because-my-mom-chose-life/

(January 2017)

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/profile/chelsea-patterson/

“The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian makes me a different kind of woman.” Elisabeth Elliot

Books suggested by Chelsea:

‘The Broken Way’, by Ann Voskamp

‘Spiritual Depression’, by D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones

Articles and links of note:

If you have not listened yet, below is a link to my episode ‘Adopt for the Right Reasons’

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-82-adopt-for-the-right-reasons/

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @joyandrelevance

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

Please help me out by taking this very short survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice.

I appreciate it!

Until next time! Bye!

Episode 85–Adenomyosis in April

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here! I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

 

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.

   

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

 

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

  • Jordan Morgan

 

I had never heard of Adenomyosis until just a month or so before this recording. I was searching around for what infertility issues were highlighted in particular months throughout the year, when I happened upon Adenomyosis, and that it was highlighted in April. After reaching out to an Adenomyosis website, and never hearing back, I back burnered my research. After all, I had never heard any of the women in the Facebook group mention it.

But then, I had the opportunity to speak to one of the women in our Facebook group Childless not by Choice with Civilla Morgan Facebook group, and she said that was her issue! Go figure! She asked that I look into doing an episode, so here we are!

The next thing I wanted to know after figuring out just what Adenomyosis is, was how is it similar or different from Endometriosis. Because at first glance, they seem very similar.  In fact, I did an episode on Endometriosis a while back. Here is a link to that episode.

 

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-59-endometriosis/

 

So, what is Adenomyosis? Well, according to our friendly neighborhood Google, ‘Adenomyosis (ad-uh-no-my-O-sis) occurs when endometrial tissue, which normally lines the uterus, exists within and grows into the muscular wall of the uterus. The displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would — thickening, breaking down and bleeding — during each menstrual cycle.’

 

But before we continue, I would like to ask our guest, Sandra, to talk to us about her experience with Adenomyosis.

Hi Sandra, welcome to the show!

 

 

  • When did you find out you had Adenomyosis?
  • What did the doctors suggest you do?
  • You have a global audience right now, what would you tell other women who suffer with Adenomyosis to do as far as coping, interacting with the medical community, and with their family and friends, even foods that you avoid?
  • Is there anything else you would like to add before we wrap up this portion of the episode?  

 

Thank you so much for your time today!

 

I so appreciate Sandra coming on and telling us in her words and experience, more about this disease. As I continued my research, I found this website, dr.seckin.com, on that website, they explained that, quote:

 

Adenomyosis is endometriosis strictly in the uterus. It causes the endometrial tissue of the uterus endometrial cavity to grow into the uterus muscle-damaging the uterine wall. It is similar to endometriosis, except with endometriosis the tissue grows outside of the uterus. Endometriosis and adenomyosis are both metaplasia conditions, meaning that the diseased cells will change into the organs in which they invade. In the case of adenomyosis, this causes abnormal uterus cell growth. Due to the similarities, but subtle differences between adenomyosis and endometriosis, adenomyosis is often referred to as the “sister” disease of endometriosis.’  

So in a nutshell, endometriosis affects the outside of the uterus, and adenomyosis affects the inside of the uterus. Just when you think things can’t get worse, there is just a different way for childlessness to infiltrate itself.

To complicate things even further, apparently, with exceptions, of course, endometriosis tends to cause infertility, meaning you will probably not have children. And in Adenomyosis, you may still be able to have children before Adenomyosis sets in your later years. Go figure. So, once again, according to drseckin.com, a younger woman can get Adenomyosis and end up never having children…why? Because if she has Adenomyosis, she probably has Endometriosis. Wow!

 

Interesting Statistics from drseckin.com:

 

 

  • About 40% to 50% of patients with adenomyosis are likely to have endometriosis.
  • 50% of patients with adenomyosis will also have cases of fibroids.
  • 1 in 5 patients diagnosed with endometriosis after the age of 30 will have adenomyosis or be at risk for the disease.
  • Patients with adenomyosis will often also present with anemia, which is a condition where the body has a deficiency of blood cells or hemoglobin and in turn will result in a pallor and weak appearance.

 

Symptoms:

Symptoms can range from heavy periods, to difficult bowel movements, to no symptoms at all. See the drseckin.com site for the full list of symptoms.

And of course, talk to your OB/GYN about the options that suit you. Everyone is different, so what may have worked for your friend or even your sister, may not work for you. And while we are on that subject, I know I sound like a broken record, but have questions when you go to see your doctor. If you feel you need to, based on what he or she suggests, get a second opinion.

In the show notes, I added a link for webmd.com because there seemed to be a video embedded I would guess, more information about Adenomyosis. I was not able to get it to play. Hopefully, you will be able to.     

I also went to healthline.com because I have used them for research in the past. But after several websites, the information is generally the same. I just want you to see the research links that I used.

‘Much like Fibroid tumors, Adenomyosis produces physical, emotional and psychological challenges that can significantly affect a woman’s lifestyle. As symptoms progress, many patients begin to feel “trapped” without a way to escape this disease.’–

http://www.alternativesurgery.com/education/adenomyosis/

 

Now keep in mind, my podcast episodes are not suggestions for treatment. I am simply researching issues and diseases that affect our childless not by choice community, to bring awareness. You should still see a doctor of your choice and come to decisions with your doctor as to best treatments for yourself.

Having said that, I have put the link to alternativesurgery.com in the notes below under ‘links used for research.’ Also, there is a video on that website under the Adenomyosis section, that is just over a minute long.

As I said, I had no idea this disease state existed before this month, the time of this recording. I truly learned quite a bit in conducting my research. If this is something you have been diagnosed with, or you are now wondering if this is what is actually the diagnosis, I hope you can talk to your medical professional with less trepidation after listening to this episode.     

Thank you for listening. And please check out the show notes for each episode, and for my contact information. If you would like to leave me a message in 90 seconds or less, visit the website, http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, look to your left, and click the link below our old timey telephone!

We have more great episodes coming up, so stay tuned!

Links used in my research:

 

https://www.drseckin.com/adenomyosis

https://www.webmd.com/women/guide/adenomyosis-symptoms-causes-treatments#1

https://www.healthline.com/health/adenomyosis

http://www.alternativesurgery.com/education/adenomyosis/

 

Articles of note:

http://www.nationmultimedia.com/detail/national/30343129

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5605513/Men-getting-shut-fertility-discussions-warns-leading-gynaecologist.html

https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/03/childless-women-are-not-necessarily-workaholics.html

 

 My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

 Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @joyandrelevance

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

  

Please help me out by taking this very short survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

 

Until next time! Bye!

Episode 84–Rubbing Salt into the Wounds

Rubbing Salt into the Wounds

Years ago, when I was still trying to hang onto hope, I did everything my OB/GYN suggested. One of those things was to take an injection that was available in a monthly or 90-day dose.  The medication was used to dissolve fibroids. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of this medication was menopausal symptoms. I called it man-made menopause.

I had hot flashes, mood swings, depression, and sadness. I believe the depression and sadness was also due to the fact that I was dealing with all of this drama in an effort to buy time while waiting to meet Mr. Right. I had considered IVF and I made two attempts at adoption. But I decided against IVF, for two reasons. It was too expensive and my mom compelled me not to take that avenue.

But God was not answering my prayers. The prayers I sent up to him for more than a decade. I begged him to forgive me for whatever sins I had committed.  I asked him to forgive my family for any generational curses that were causing these cursed fibroids. I bargained with him. I begged him for a husband, I begged him for a child.

Silence.

The silence was deafening. Sometimes I would feel Him impressing upon my heart that everything would be alright. But it was not. I wanted a child. Nothing would ever be alright without a child.

I never met Mr. Right, I never had the baby, and I ended up having to have a hysterectomy.

Silence.

Now I am going through natural menopause. It is nowhere near as bad as the man-made menopause. I am not depressed and I am not having mood swings, but the incessant flushing is almost impossible to bear. It feels like salt is being rubbed into the wound. The wound of everything I have had to endure. How many people do you know who have gone through menopause twice?

They say God will not give us any more than we can bear, but honestly, I believe that is just a saying.

I am not whining, because many people around the world, children and adults alike, are enduring unbelievable grief and sadness. As a fellow human being, I think about people around the world on a regular basis. I think about childless women, I think about abandoned and enslaved children, and I wonder what I can do to make things better for others.

The fact is, although my heart is broken, it is healing. But nothing that breaks will ever be the same again, whether we are talking about broken china, a broken leg, or a broken heart. They will never be completely brand new. But they will be functional. And the level of functionality depends on use. We can walk on a leg that was broken after it is healed. We can use broken china after it is glued. We can function with a broken heart. But it is up to us.

We have to choose to function with the broken heart. There is a lot to be done in this world. And I believe we can do our part broken and healed.      

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here! I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

 

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

  • Jordan Morgan

 

What I read to you earlier was my latest blog post dated April 2, 2018, called ‘Rubbing Salt Into the Wounds’. Any leader of anything will tell you that what they are leading is not about them. Yes, many times the leader of any platform or organization will tell you they started the organization because it was needed and it did not exist. And that is the reason I started Childless not by Choice/21st Century Hannah.

I needed help in my darkest moment, and I could not find it. But another issue that comes with being a leader is there is seldom time to hurt, or at least say that you are hurting. You just get on with the work at hand, and you try to push down the pain because so many others are looking to you for guidance with their pain.  

And that’s why you started your organization in the first place. So we push through our pain. Some days it is harder to do than others, but we get relief when we get notifications and messages from people saying how much our platform has helped them, like the Facebook message I received from Diana who said,

‘I listen to your podcasts while at the gym because they make me feel less alone, and that you are fighting my disease with me. Thank you for your time.’—Diana, 4/3/2018.

Or LM who said…

‘I have been listening to some of your talks on podcast and would like to thank you. Your making so much difference to my life, I’m not alone with the way l feel and think. You’re a godsend to so many people. When l feel down l listen to you, it picks me up. Thank you again.’- (3/26/2018).

Messages like these keep me going. They are a reminder that this is not about me.  I knew I could not be dealing with the mental and emotional pain of childlessness not by choice.

 

There are people worldwide who are much worse off than those of us in the Western world. There are childless women being divorced, cast aside, and cheated on, because they cannot produce a child. Sometimes the reason for childlessness does not even lie with them. But culturally, there is usually nothing they can do to address that fact.  

Back in September 26, 2016, I did an episode called About the Children.

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/about-the-children/

 

And one of the books I am reading this year is called ‘No Longer a Slumdog’ by K. P. Yohannan. I keep thinking about the children worldwide who are bought and sold like property, their bodies being used and abused. And honestly, I ask God on a regular basis where He is in all of this.

Some may say it is because I am childless.  But to anyone who says that, my response is ‘nothing in this life is that easily figured out.’ Sorry, wrong answer. I would venture to say that it is hard to look the other way with the level of technology available to just about anyone. These days we get pollen count notifications on our smartphones, we receive local news notifications all day, and no matter where in the world we are, we can know breaking news immediately, worldwide. We see the disturbing and heart breaking pictures on TV of hurting people all over the world.

No, it’s not because I am childless, it is because I am being compelled to do something. Everyone who gives to a charitable cause is being compelled to do something. Everyone who donates their time on weekends to a charity are being compelled to do something.

So what’s wrong with me or any other childless woman being compelled to do something? No, that smug answer that it is because I am childless will not work. I will keep you posted on what I can do from my little place in the world, to help once I figure out what that is.

 So as I said at the end of my blog post, ‘We have to choose to function with the broken heart. There is a lot to be done in this world. And I believe we can do our part broken and healed.’  

Is my heart broken? Why yes it is. My life did not work out the way I expected it to.

The childless not by choice women in the Childless not by choice with Civilla Morgan Facebook group will tell you the same thing. Childlessness, failed IVF and IUI treatments, are not what they bargained for. Family members who leave them out of birthday parties and holiday affairs is not what they bargained for. Being happy about yet another baby announcement while they die another death internally not due to jealousy.

HEAR ME PLEASE, it is not jealousy, it is the sadness for what did not happen for us. We can feel both. It does not have to be one or the other. It is spouses asking ‘why can’t you just be happy for so and so,’ when they see you crying yet again. It is being misunderstood.

It is the refusal to believe that if you should not say to someone whose loved one just died, ‘why can’t you get over it already?’ Then you cannot, should not say it to a woman who will never have a child.

What can you do you ask, to help the childless not by choice woman live a life she did not ask for? Walk along with her, with us, and help us learn how ‘to choose to function with the broken heart… to ‘do our part broken and healed.’

   

 

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @joyandrelevance

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

 

 

Please help me out by taking this very short survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

 

Until next time! Bye!

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