How I faced being childless not by choice -How my career gave me purpose

 

When I was 25, I couldn’t sleep the night before my final exam at University. I wrote a letter telling myself that the exam was irrelevant and that the degree I was completing would provide me with the best possible job only until I became a wife and stay at home mum. 

By this time, I had dreamed of being a mum for 18 years; ever since my youngest brother was put in my arms.  Freed from anxiety, I fell sound asleep. The next day I passed the exam which was the first step along the career path I am still on today.

I am 46 now and have had to accept that I will never be a mum.  My dream has died, but I have found a way to live.  In many ways, I have done this through my career.  I have changed jobs from that original degree and have completed another degree to further my journey.

Along the way, I have had adventures like driving a minibus full of strangers from Scotland to the south of France -having never driven in France or driven a minibus!  Twice I’ve made drastic changes to my work life that left me with almost no income for a year. Last year, at short notice, my partner and I went to Jordan for a friend’s wedding.  I would not have been able to do any of these things if I’d been responsible for children.

 

Today I work with adults with profound disabilities in a day service, bringing meaning to their lives and value to their self-worth.  They learn skills and develop talents in ceramics, art, horticulture, and other crafts. 

What was originally intended as a pleasurable stop-gap, has instead been a 21-year journey that has given meaning and purpose to my life.  Each time the grief of being childless not by choice overwhelms me, I think of the pain it would cause these people if I ended my life.  My pain has been that deep.  But my care for their well-being strengthens my will and I find the resolve to continue.  And each day I live, I am blessed by being surrounded by their joy and courage.

I don’t know what my future holds, and I am not the kind of person who does a bucket list; so, I have no list of future adventures.  With good health, I will be working for another 20 years. And I would like to visit my partner’s home in Iraqi Kurdistan. I will grab the adventures that present themselves to me with joy and enjoy every single day for the blessings I receive.

Joanna

Episode 74–End of year update 2017

Hello hello, hello everyone! Civilla Morgan here! Welcome back to another episode of Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

 

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

Click the link below to become my next Patreon Subscriber:

 

 

  •  Podcaster Sarah Williams of The Tough Girls Podcast
  • Jordan Morgan

  

In this episode, I update you on the final episodes of 2017, and the first two episodes of 2018!  So much good stuff to look forward to!

 

November 13, 2017—End of year update episode

November 27, 2017—GRATITUDE, Thankfulness

December 11, 2017—The war against fibroids, my interview with Halona Black

December 25, 2017—Special Christmas episode! Final episode of 2017

  • 2017 was a long year in some respects, but it also seems like it flew by!
  • I am currently working on my 2018 goals, are you?
  • It is important for us to think and speak positively! At the beginning of 2017, I said I would concentrate on health, fitness, and nutrition, not knowing how and when I would do it. But I ended up having quite a few episodes/interviews on mental and physical health as well as nutrition. I even got to interview a real live bodybuilder! Everything came together just from my saying so. Be wise with your words!
  • We also had the opportunity to discuss how to deal with grief (the August episodes).
  • The November 27 episode will be all about GRATITUDE! Write one thing you are thankful for and by November 30th we will have 30 items, things we are thankful for!  
  • Our December 11 episode will be on nutrition as well as how to manage those crazy fibroids!
  • Our December 25 episode will be happening! It will be a special episode. Be on the lookout!
  • Our January episode will be a two-part episode that I believe is an encouraging way to get the new year started off on the right foot!    
  • Don’t forget to leave me a message from my website! Yes, go to the website, http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net. Look to the right and click on the tab that says ‘send voicemail’. It’s that easy!

 

Well, the group is growing. And I am so thankful! There are a lot of childless not by choice groups on Facebook now, so if you are having trouble finding us, just send me a message! I will point you in the right direction.

 

November makes three years since I started this platform from scratch! It’s been quite the journey! And I am looking forward to continued growth!  

 

  

Closing: Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

 

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @civilla1

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

 

 

Please help me out by taking this very short survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

 Until next time! Bye!

 

 

Episode 73—Sixth Sense–The Demeanor of Loss

Hello everyone! Civilla Morgan here! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

 

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

Click the link below to become my next Patreon Subscriber:

 https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

  •  Podcaster Sarah Williams of The Tough Girls Podcast
  • Jordan Morgan

 Spirit and Demeanor

  • People can sense a spirit, or demeanor about us. They may not always realize what it is, they may not even realize they are sensing something; but they do sense that something may be off.
  • We take in and make a part of us, our spirit, what we have been through. It can be anything: abuse, childlessness, life not turning out as we expected.
  • We must make the decision to face what we have been through. When we face that monster, we can become stronger. We will become stronger.
  • We must decide that we want a better life for ourselves despite what we have been through.
  • When we make that decision, our demeanor will indeed change. People will recognize that change. Those people who knew us when we had that negative spirit or demeanor, will recognize that change.
  • People will realize they can trust us to babysit, or run a daycare center, or be a kindergarten teacher; because they recognize that we pushed through and came through the other side hurt but healed…or at least healing. We are stronger than even they could ever be.
  • There are people out there who want to tell us how to act or react, but the truth is, they could never survive what you or I have been through or dealt with. The bottom line is that you must want to heal. You must want it. And you know what, life is short. So, do you want it? Do you want mental, physical, emotional, spiritual healing, health, healthy relationships; or do you want to wallow in self-pity, sadness, depression? What do you want? Whatever it is you want, it will take work. It takes work to be mean and jealous. It takes work to get rid of those feelings. The thing is though, once you work and push through to the positive feelings, even when the sadness pops up from time to time, you will know what to do with it. You really will, because you want healthy and not hateful.     

 

Episodes mentioned in the podcast:

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-72-male-and-childless-not-by-choice-my-interview-with-dr-robin-hadley/

 

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-65-my-interview-with-mrs-maureen-hornstein/

 

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @civilla1

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

 

Please help me out by taking this very short survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

Closing: Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

Until next time! Bye!

Falling through the cracks

I was in a group get together experience recently, and all the family members were asked to find each other and hold hands. At that moment, I remember thinking ‘I don’t have any family members here.’ I felt out of place as I watched family members running around looking for each other, as I just stood there.

There were people in the service that I got along with. There were friends and others there who had no family to run to. I was not the only one.  But the thought crossed my mind that although I have loving parents, siblings, nephews, even brothers- and a sister-in-law; the fact was and is, I have no family of my own.

As childless not by choice women, and even more so, in my opinion, childless and husbandless women; we can often fall through society’s cracks. Society forgets us, and in some cases, mocks us.  In some cases, society even physically hurts us. Human nature tends to either ignore or question what is not ‘normal’. 

I am not saying I was being mocked in this service. I am sure the leader of the service did not recognize what was happening. Why would they? In fact, this person was recognizing what is normal to most human beings. Most humans have or had a marriage. Most humans have children.  The ‘odd’ person is forgotten not out of spite, but because it is not most people’s normal.  In fact, most people are not walking around wondering, worrying, or thinking about the person who has a different lifestyle.  They are not aware.

So, what to do? Well, I suggest that we do not cower in the background of life. I suggest we stand tall in our childlessness and our husbandless status.  Why? Why not?  Why hide what life handed us? We should instead find out what we are supposed to do with the life we have been given, and then get to work. We do not need pity. And we should not seek it out.

It’s true, life did not give us what we planned and hoped for. We assumed we would have the same life as our friends and family.  Realizing we would not have the life we dreamed of was a shocker. It was for me, and many of the childless not by choice women I know say the same.  Many of you deal daily with the shock and surprise of finding out the issue is infertility.  Some are saddened by the life circumstances that kept them from having a baby.

No matter the reason for your childlessness, do not allow those reasons to stop you from living life open with head held high! Face the monster of childlessness by admitting your feelings to yourself. Admit your sadness, your pain, your anger, your jealousy.  Whatever the emotion may be. Trust yourself to grow through the pain.  Accept the process. Accept the stages of grief. One day you will be able to acknowledge to yourself that there is a missing puzzle piece, but you are OK. All will be well!       

Episode 72–Male and childless not by choice, my interview with Dr. Robin Hadley

Hello everyone! Civilla Morgan here! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life; although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

Before we get started:

Thank you’s:

  • Thank you for your FB re-shares and your Twitter comments and re-tweets. It is always appreciated.
  • Individual thank you’s if any:
  • Shout outs:
  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link below for details and to become a Patron!)

Click the link below to become my next Patreon Subscriber:

 https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

 Current Patreon contributors:

  • Podcaster Sarah Williams of The Tough Girls Podcast
  • Jordan Morgan

 

Well, today I have a special guest! This wonderful gentleman and I follow each other on Twitter. But one day I took a longer look at his Twitter profile and became intrigued with his platform. He talks about childlessness from a man’s point of view! Many of you recall there was a time when I did not consider the thought that men could have difficulty dealing with childlessness. I am so thankful for growth and for revelation!

Since I opened my mind to the fact that men can and do suffer whether emotionally or from society’s expectation, I have had the great opportunity to discuss childlessness from a man’s point of view a couple of times here on the podcast. And now I have the great opportunity to interview Dr. Robin Hadley. Let me tell you a little about him!     

Dr. Robin:

Was born in 1960 in a working-class area of Manchester (UK). He was the 7th of 8 children, 4 boys and 4 girls. Dr. Robin left school with only a few qualifications. But his wide-ranging careers have included such roles as counsellor, deputy technical manager, and scientific and technical photographer (28 years), kitchen assistant, and even bartender.

Dr. Robin’s training as a counsellor and his own experience of the desire for fatherhood, led him to research the subject of involuntarily childless men’s desire for fatherhood as research dissertation for his Master of Arts in Counselling, The University of Manchester.

He followed up with a self-funded Master of Science (again at The University of Manchester) exploring the levels of desire for parenthood (‘broodiness’) in females and males, parents and non-parents. He was a Social Gerontology PhD studentship at Keele University in 2010. And for his PhD study examined the experiences of involuntarily childless older men, and awarded his PhD in December 2015.

Post PhD, Dr. Robin has held a number of short term Research Associate posts on projects relating to ageing, dementia, technology, and fathers influence on infant feeding.

Welcome Dr. Robin!

*Please note that Dr. Robin’s contact information, along with links to his Theses are in the show notes.

Questions:

  • First, for our non-UK listeners, tell us exactly what ‘broodiness’ means. I believe the term may be used in a slightly different way here in America!

 

  • In our first meeting, I asked if you are childless not by choice and you advised you are. Was it due to circumstance or was it biological? I may seem nosey, but I know there are many men listening, and I want them to realize they are not alone.
  • In your research, you mentioned the biological clock. Did you find that men have biological clocks like women do, in a different way, or not at all?

 

  • In your thesis, you said: quote: ‘Research has mainly focussed on family and women, with the fertility intentions, history and experience, of older men being overlooked. Most nations do not collect the fertility history of men and consequently, it is impossible to judge the population level of childless men. Although involuntary childlessness has frequently only been associated with infertility treatment there is growing recognition that there is a latent population that is absent from research literature. ‘Have you seen any change in the two years since you wrote this?

 

  • In your PhD Thesis Summary where you mentioned the research of the 14 men aged 49-82, did you notice a trend of any type, aside from the ongoing grieving, was there anything that stood out or that surprised you about their responses? I am assuming grieving is ongoing?

 

  • Did you have the opportunity to teach these men anything that would help them cope with childlessness?
  • Is there a word of encouragement that you can share with the male listeners?

 

  • ‘Post PhD, you have held a number of short term Research Associate posts on projects relating to aging, dementia, technology, and fathers influence on infant feeding. Tell us more about this research, such as did you recognize an elevated level of dementia, or any other negative impact on the men you researched?

 

  • In closing, is there anything you would like to add, anything I missed? There was so much, and I found your thesis papers intriguing. So I am sure there was much more we could have discussed!

 

Dr. Robin’s contact information:

http://www.robinhadley.co.uk/index.shtml

 

Specialty areas include: men, masculinity, male childlessness and infertility, fatherhood, gender, aging, older men, impact of childlessness/infertility, family.

 

Dr. Robin’s Papers, Thesis and MSc Thesis:

http://bit.ly/2fg0RLc 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0By0paj_-gAAbbXVIR3drQjVGdGM/view?usp=sharing

 

Closing:

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. If you found value in this episode, or the podcast and platform in general, feel free to visit my Patreon site. See the link below. Patreon gives you the opportunity to schedule monthly contributions of any amount, to a platform for which you find value!

Please also feel free to visit iTunes now known as Apple Podcast, or just go to the website and subscribe to the podcast. It would be appreciated!

 

News stories and articles on childlessness…

http://www.vogue.co.uk/article/surrogacy-in-the-uk

 

 My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @joyandrelevance

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

Do you use hashtags? Would you consider helping me spread the word about the Childless not by Choice platform by using them in your social media posts when telling others about the platform—podcast, blogs, etc.?

#childlessnotbychoice

#21stcenturyhannah

#awarenesscreator

#civillamorgan

Thank you!

  

Would you help me out by taking this short survey? The survey helps me to know who is listening which helps me with producing correct content for my listeners.  

 https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

 Until next time, thank you! bye! 

Episode 71–Most annoying thing someone has said about your childlessness

Podcast—Episode 71–The Most Annoying Thing You’ve Been told about being childless

Hello, everyone! Civilla Morgan here! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life; although we could not, did not, have children we so wanted.

 

 Thank you’s:

  • Thank you for your FB re-shares and your Twitter comments and re-tweets. It is always appreciated.

 

Thank you to my Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link in the show notes for details.)

 My current Patreon Contributors:

  • Podcaster Sarah Williams of The Tough Girls Podcast
  • Jordan Morgan

 Put the link below in your browser and sign up to become my next Patreon Subscriber. Thank you!

 https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

In this episode, I go to my Childless not by Choice Facebook group and ask the question, ‘what is the most annoying thing someone has said to you about being childless?’ back in April! A month before Mother’s Day in the USA. Aaaaah, the responses. Will they shock you? It depends on if you have been on the giving end or the receiving end. Let me know, I’m curious!

Oh, and I forgot to add another comment many of you should find hurtful. See below:

One lady said that she was told by someone to leave their children alone and go get her own.

I don’t know about you, but that is downright petty! If you have a comment you did not hear in the episode, send it to me and I will add it to my list. I’m thinking of updating this episode if I get more comments. Please only send in the comment if it happened directly to you.

 

Closing:

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

 

“I have decided NOT to live a life of hiding, fear, and apology, for prayers not answered.”—Civilla Morgan.

 

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @joyandrelevance

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

 

 

Please take a moment to take this survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

Until next time, bye!

Building a New Dream

In every Childless Not by Choice (CNBC) online support group, I’ve seen the question: “Is it possible to find happiness after being CNBC?” A year ago, I believed it was possible, but I couldn’t say that I knew how to get there. Today, I can say that it all came down to building a new dream.

In 2016, my husband and I chose to accept that we were going to be a family of two. 2016 had been a difficult year coming to terms with being childless. As I was closing the door on 2016, I was looking forward to opening a new door in 2017.

My husband and I began to talk about what we wanted for our future, knowing that we needed to create a new dream together. We talked about what we valued, and all the things that no longer mattered. Our three-bedroom home in the family-oriented suburbs seemed too big.  It no longer fit the new life we wanted to build together.  We both fell in love with a city 12 hours away where we could minimize our lifestyle, travel more, and have a life that matched our values.  We have a few things to accomplish before we can move there, but we will make that dream come true!

In building our dream together, I also realized a dream for myself, something I needed to accomplish just for me.  If motherhood wasn’t in the cards, I was going to go back to school and pursue my master’s degree.  When I graduated from university in 1998, there was a fork in the road.  I chose love, marriage, and family; and left behind a dream to further my education.  Since my family became a family of two, I decided to go back to that fork in the road and fulfill the other dream.  In just a couple of weeks, I begin my first class! 

In walking my childless path, building new dreams has given me a new sense of hope and a chance to accomplish something different.  My husband and I found something that we both value, something that would sustain us, together.  I will always quietly mourn the children I dreamed of, but the dreams we’ve built will allow the two of us to live a happy and fulfilled life, because it’s ours, and we chose it together!

Robyn,

Canada

Guest Blogger

(PLEASE NOTE: any responses to guest blogs will be forwarded to the guest blogger.)

Episode 70–Waiting Wombs Trust, My Interview with Founder Hadassa Trip

Hello everyone, Civilla Morgan here!

Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life; although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

Remember to tell your friends about the show, and feel free to share and re-share to your social media followers! I would appreciate that!

Thank you’s:

  • Thank you for your FB re-shares and your Twitter comments and re-tweets. It is always appreciated.

 

  • Individual thank you’s:

 

  • Shout outs: Thank you to those who have purchased a copy of my devotional or taken the course, ’10 Days to Creating Kind but Firm Boundaries’. Every penny received goes right back into the platform.

 

  • Thank you to my Patreon Supporters! You all encourage me to keep on keeping on!

Money received is used for:

  • Monthly payment to my podcast distributor.
  • Monthly payments to my Podcast Producer.
  • Podcasting equipment such as microphones, headphones, paid recording software, etc.
  • Purchase and maintenance of a classroom for future online courses.
  • Website maintenance.

 

Hadassa says “I founded Waiting Wombs Trust, an organization that brings together couples, women, men who have walked the child waiting journey and succeeded on are still in wait. We also create awareness about childlessness.

We support such by sharing experiences, encouraging and waiting together.

We have also partnered with some doctors to help needy cases or just waiting wombs in general. Childless couples and mostly women go through a lot.”

 

Interview questions: 

  • Tell us why you chose the name Waiting Wombs project, tell us about the project.
  • Tell us about your Facebook Group. It’s a large group! Are most of the people from the continent, are they based in Kenya?
  • How do the men deal with the group, are they involved at all?
  • How long has the Waiting Womb project been in existence?
  • How do you encourage women and couples who are waiting?
  • Do you get the ‘why don’t you just adopt?’ question over there? And do you get unwanted commentary from strangers and family?
  • How do you overcome moments of sadness?

 

Hadassa’s Contact information:

 http://www.waitingwombstrust.org

hadassa@waitingwombstrust.org

Facebook: Waiting wombs (ww)

 

Closing:

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. If you found value in this episode, or the podcast and platform in general, feel free to visit the donation jar on the website, stop by iTunes and leave me a rating and review, and of course tell a friend. 

If you would like to make a regular donation to the platform, visit my Patreon page and get set up. Every donation will go back into the platform. $1.00, $5.00, $10.00, any amount is appreciated!

Thank you to my current Patreon Supporters:

  • Podcaster Sarah Williams of The Tough Girls Podcast
  • Jordan Morgan

Click the link below to become my next Patreon Subscriber

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

  

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @joyandrelevance

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

 

Please take a moment to take this survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

Until next time, bye!