Archives

Episode 84–Rubbing Salt into the Wounds

Rubbing Salt into the Wounds

Years ago, when I was still trying to hang onto hope, I did everything my OB/GYN suggested. One of those things was to take an injection that was available in a monthly or 90-day dose.  The medication was used to dissolve fibroids. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of this medication was menopausal symptoms. I called it man-made menopause.

I had hot flashes, mood swings, depression, and sadness. I believe the depression and sadness was also due to the fact that I was dealing with all of this drama in an effort to buy time while waiting to meet Mr. Right. I had considered IVF and I made two attempts at adoption. But I decided against IVF, for two reasons. It was too expensive and my mom compelled me not to take that avenue.

But God was not answering my prayers. The prayers I sent up to him for more than a decade. I begged him to forgive me for whatever sins I had committed.  I asked him to forgive my family for any generational curses that were causing these cursed fibroids. I bargained with him. I begged him for a husband, I begged him for a child.

Silence.

The silence was deafening. Sometimes I would feel Him impressing upon my heart that everything would be alright. But it was not. I wanted a child. Nothing would ever be alright without a child.

I never met Mr. Right, I never had the baby, and I ended up having to have a hysterectomy.

Silence.

Now I am going through natural menopause. It is nowhere near as bad as the man-made menopause. I am not depressed and I am not having mood swings, but the incessant flushing is almost impossible to bear. It feels like salt is being rubbed into the wound. The wound of everything I have had to endure. How many people do you know who have gone through menopause twice?

They say God will not give us any more than we can bear, but honestly, I believe that is just a saying.

I am not whining, because many people around the world, children and adults alike, are enduring unbelievable grief and sadness. As a fellow human being, I think about people around the world on a regular basis. I think about childless women, I think about abandoned and enslaved children, and I wonder what I can do to make things better for others.

The fact is, although my heart is broken, it is healing. But nothing that breaks will ever be the same again, whether we are talking about broken china, a broken leg, or a broken heart. They will never be completely brand new. But they will be functional. And the level of functionality depends on use. We can walk on a leg that was broken after it is healed. We can use broken china after it is glued. We can function with a broken heart. But it is up to us.

We have to choose to function with the broken heart. There is a lot to be done in this world. And I believe we can do our part broken and healed.      

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here! I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

 

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

  • Jordan Morgan

 

What I read to you earlier was my latest blog post dated April 2, 2018, called ‘Rubbing Salt Into the Wounds’. Any leader of anything will tell you that what they are leading is not about them. Yes, many times the leader of any platform or organization will tell you they started the organization because it was needed and it did not exist. And that is the reason I started Childless not by Choice/21st Century Hannah.

I needed help in my darkest moment, and I could not find it. But another issue that comes with being a leader is there is seldom time to hurt, or at least say that you are hurting. You just get on with the work at hand, and you try to push down the pain because so many others are looking to you for guidance with their pain.  

And that’s why you started your organization in the first place. So we push through our pain. Some days it is harder to do than others, but we get relief when we get notifications and messages from people saying how much our platform has helped them, like the Facebook message I received from Diana who said,

‘I listen to your podcasts while at the gym because they make me feel less alone, and that you are fighting my disease with me. Thank you for your time.’—Diana, 4/3/2018.

Or LM who said…

‘I have been listening to some of your talks on podcast and would like to thank you. Your making so much difference to my life, I’m not alone with the way l feel and think. You’re a godsend to so many people. When l feel down l listen to you, it picks me up. Thank you again.’- (3/26/2018).

Messages like these keep me going. They are a reminder that this is not about me.  I knew I could not be dealing with the mental and emotional pain of childlessness not by choice.

 

There are people worldwide who are much worse off than those of us in the Western world. There are childless women being divorced, cast aside, and cheated on, because they cannot produce a child. Sometimes the reason for childlessness does not even lie with them. But culturally, there is usually nothing they can do to address that fact.  

Back in September 26, 2016, I did an episode called About the Children.

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/about-the-children/

 

And one of the books I am reading this year is called ‘No Longer a Slumdog’ by K. P. Yohannan. I keep thinking about the children worldwide who are bought and sold like property, their bodies being used and abused. And honestly, I ask God on a regular basis where He is in all of this.

Some may say it is because I am childless.  But to anyone who says that, my response is ‘nothing in this life is that easily figured out.’ Sorry, wrong answer. I would venture to say that it is hard to look the other way with the level of technology available to just about anyone. These days we get pollen count notifications on our smartphones, we receive local news notifications all day, and no matter where in the world we are, we can know breaking news immediately, worldwide. We see the disturbing and heart breaking pictures on TV of hurting people all over the world.

No, it’s not because I am childless, it is because I am being compelled to do something. Everyone who gives to a charitable cause is being compelled to do something. Everyone who donates their time on weekends to a charity are being compelled to do something.

So what’s wrong with me or any other childless woman being compelled to do something? No, that smug answer that it is because I am childless will not work. I will keep you posted on what I can do from my little place in the world, to help once I figure out what that is.

 So as I said at the end of my blog post, ‘We have to choose to function with the broken heart. There is a lot to be done in this world. And I believe we can do our part broken and healed.’  

Is my heart broken? Why yes it is. My life did not work out the way I expected it to.

The childless not by choice women in the Childless not by choice with Civilla Morgan Facebook group will tell you the same thing. Childlessness, failed IVF and IUI treatments, are not what they bargained for. Family members who leave them out of birthday parties and holiday affairs is not what they bargained for. Being happy about yet another baby announcement while they die another death internally not due to jealousy.

HEAR ME PLEASE, it is not jealousy, it is the sadness for what did not happen for us. We can feel both. It does not have to be one or the other. It is spouses asking ‘why can’t you just be happy for so and so,’ when they see you crying yet again. It is being misunderstood.

It is the refusal to believe that if you should not say to someone whose loved one just died, ‘why can’t you get over it already?’ Then you cannot, should not say it to a woman who will never have a child.

What can you do you ask, to help the childless not by choice woman live a life she did not ask for? Walk along with her, with us, and help us learn how ‘to choose to function with the broken heart… to ‘do our part broken and healed.’

   

 

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @joyandrelevance

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

 

 

Please help me out by taking this very short survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

 

Until next time! Bye!

Rubbing salt into the wound

Years ago, when I was still trying to hang onto hope, I did everything my OB/GYN suggested. One of those things was to take an injection that was available in a monthly or 90-day dose. I tried both doses. The medication was used to dissolve fibroids.  It didn’t do much for me. And unfortunately, one of the side effects of this medication was menopausal symptoms. I called it man-made menopause.

I had hot flashes, mood swings, depression, and sadness. But I believe the depression and sadness were mostly due to the drama of hanging on, buying time, while waiting to meet Mr. Right. I had considered IVF and I made two attempts at adoption. But I decided against IVF because it was too expensive and because my mom compelled me not to take that avenue.

But I was desperate.  God was not answering my prayers. The prayers I sent up to him for more than a decade. I became so desperate that I begged him to forgive me for whatever sins I had committed.  I asked him to forgive my family for any generational curses that were causing these cursed fibroids. I bargained with him. I begged him for a husband, I begged him for a child.

Silence.

The silence was deafening. Sometimes I would feel Him impressing upon my heart that everything would be alright. But as far as I was concerned, it was not. I wanted a child. Nothing would ever be alright without a child.

Mr. Right never showed up, I never had the baby, and I ended up having to have a hysterectomy.

Silence.

Now I am going through natural menopause. It is nowhere near as bad as the man-made menopause. I am not depressed and I am not having mood swings, but the incessant flushing is almost impossible to bear. It feels like salt is being rubbed into the wound. The wound of everything I endured. How many people do you know who have gone through menopause twice?   

They say God will not give us any more than we can bear, but honestly, I believe that is just a saying.

I am not whining, because many people around the world, children, and adults alike, are enduring unbelievable grief and sadness. As a fellow human being, I think about people around the world on a regular basis. I think about childless women, I think about abandoned and enslaved children, and I wonder what I can do to make things better for them, for others.

The fact is, although my heart is broken, it is healing. Although nothing that breaks will ever be the same again; whether we are talking about broken china, a broken leg, or a broken heart. They will never be completely brand new. But they will be functional. And the level of functionality depends on use. We can walk on a leg that was broken after it is healed, and we should.  Using the leg increases its functionality. We can use broken china after it is glued if only to put or keep it on display.  We can function with a broken heart if we push through the hurt and help others.  In each of those cases, a choice had to be made.  

We have to choose to function with the broken heart. There is a lot to be done in this world. And I believe we can do our part broken and healed.      

Episode 83–Infertility and STD’s

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless, not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here!

I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

I would like to thank my Patreon contributor.

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

  • Jordan Morgan

 

Please note: this episode contains mature content.

Well, I decided to do an episode on this subject matter after hearing about this issue on one of my favorite podcasts. I was shocked to find out that a historical figure they mentioned had contracted a sexually transmitted disease and that his wife had several pregnancy losses before eventually having multiple healthy children.

I will not mention the names of these people because this episode is not about them. This episode is for and about the families affected by and most probably not even aware that, STD’s are why the miscarriages and other physical issues are happening.

Please know that I am not condemning anyone. I am simply creating awareness. I want you to know the facts so that you know how to take next steps, how to speak with your spouse and to your doctors in an educated manner. In fact, I am discussing this issue so that you are not possibly spinning your wheels.

Honestly, my heart broke as I heard about this family. And my heart broke as I did the research for this episode. The statistics were earth-shattering.  Can you imagine a woman not realizing the reason she may not be conceiving, or the reason she may be miscarrying could be due to an STD? How very, very sad.

Yet another possible speed bump on the journey towards the chance of having a child, for those of you, still trying. But as the saying goes, ‘knowledge is power.’ When you obtain the knowledge, then there is the possibility of a fix, an adjustment; to zig instead of zag.

OK, let’s jump right into the subject at hand:

After hearing of the plight of the aforementioned family, I started researching the possibility of STD’s creating problems for those attempting to get pregnant. And this is the first thing I found in my Google search:

Quote, ‘Chlamydia and gonorrhea are important preventable causes of pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) and infertility. Untreated, about 10-15% of women with chlamydia will develop PID. Chlamydia can also cause fallopian tube infection without any symptoms. … Most women infected with chlamydia or gonorrhea have no symptoms.’ —Google, October 6, 2017.

As I continued my research, I went to the WHO website, and

According to the WHO, here are some key facts from their Media Centre site:

WHO—World Health Organization Key facts: (From the Media Centre site)

  • More than 1 million sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are acquired every day worldwide.
  • Each year, there are an estimated 357 million new infections with 1 of 4 STIs: chlamydia, gonorrhoea, syphilis, and trichomoniasis (pronounced trekomoniasis).
  • More than 500 million people are estimated to have genital infection with herpes simplex virus (HSV).
  • More than 290 million women have a human papillomavirus (HPV) infection1.
  • The majority of STIs have no symptoms or only mild symptoms that may not be recognized as an STI. (I believe that is why many women do not realize this is why they keep miscarrying)
  • STIs such as HSV type 2 and syphilis can increase the risk of HIV acquisition.
  • Over 900 000 pregnant women were infected with syphilis resulting in approximately 350 000 adverse birth outcomes including stillbirth in 20122.
  • In some cases, STIs can have serious reproductive health consequences beyond the immediate impact of the infection itself (e.g., infertility or mother-to-child transmission)
  • Drug resistance, especially for gonorrhea, is a major threat to reducing the impact of STIs worldwide.

What can you do personally to protect yourself from being a part of these statistics?

  • Your sexual health is important—just as important as any other aspect of your health. I know that depending on where in the world you are, some of you have more management over your lives than others, but whatever you can do to protect yourself, please do so.

Next:

  • Have a heart to heart with your spouse—whether it is on this subject matter or infertility in general. Make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to next steps. Being able to do this protects both of you from false expectations. Communication is key. And it does not make sense for only one of you to get checked if that is what you decide to do.
  • Finally, continue your own research. Only you can decide what your final decision will be. Now that you have the knowledge, use it in wisdom.

Media Centre fact sheet site:

‘What are sexually transmitted infections and how are they transmitted?’

‘Prevention of STIs’

‘Diagnosis of STIs’

Treatment of STIs

http://siteresources.worldbank.org/INTPRH/Resources/STINoteFINAL26Feb08.pdf–See page five of this World Bank PDF to see the global map of how STD’s present.

Research links used for this episode:

https://www.cdc.gov/std/infertility/default.htm

Check out this CDC PDF for details on the CDC’s spotlight on STD’s:

https://www.cdc.gov/std/dstdp/dstdp-stakeholder-report-design_web.pdf

http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs110/en/

http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/stdsstis/statistics/

http://siteresources.worldbank.org/INTPRH/Resources/STINoteFINAL26Feb08.pdf

Articles of interest:

https://www.standardmedia.co.ke/evewoman/article/2001273738/outspoken-mp-millie-odhiambo-opens-up-on-not-having-a-child-her-wish-to-have-one-by-55

 

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @joyandrelevance

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

Please help me out by taking this very short survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

Until next time! Bye!

Guest Blogger Guidelines

Tell us how you have faced being childless not by choice, anything positive that has helped you on your journey:

Hobbies

A certain type of diet

Journaling

Traveling

Your spouse

A certain friend or family member who understands your pain, and just knows how to console you.

  • 600-1000 words
  • Create six to seven sentences per paragraph.
  • Each paragraph should have a theme.
  • End the blog post with an encouraging word for the reader. We want the reader who most likely will be childless not by choice herself, to walk away feeling that she can make it through this journey. Because she can.
  • I will go over/edit/make suggestions on your draft, send it back to you for review.
  • Once you give the go-ahead, I will finalize the draft, add pictures, and schedule it.
  • Blogs post on the 20th of each month, although I reserve the right to post your blog at any time during the month we agree upon.

 

  • Email your draft to civilla@civillamorgan.com
Small print, aka terms and conditions for guest bloggers:

As a guest blogger, your content will always be attributed to you. Your name will be listed as the author of any content you contribute.

  1. Please be sure that what you are sending is original content.
  2. If you are a professional Blogger, feel free to add a link back to your blog if it pertains to our childless, not by choice subject-matter. PLEASE DO NOT add links to businesses. Your post will not be accepted if you do. I will check.
  3. There will be no monetary consideration for your blog contribution. But as a guest blogger, with name attribution, you will gain recognition the more readership your blog receives.
  4. Thus, I reserve the right to post your blog on my social media platforms, and I suggest you do the same as that is what will gain more readership.
  5. Because our guest bloggers are group members who may not want to give full access by listing their surname, we generally use first name and last initial only. If you would like your full name used, please let me know immediately.     
  6. While I reserve the right to amend posts, please do take the time to check grammar. Any changes I make should be in syntax or sentence structure, not grammar.
  7. I reserve the right to take down a blog post at any time, without warning.
  8. Thank you for your submission. I will treat it with the same respect I treat mine!

 

Copyright 2018©, all rights reserved.

You are not alone!

When I sought out an online support group to help me with my emotions, I had been dealing with them a very long time.  It was long overdue, and I had not been honest with myself about how I truly felt inside. Here is a bit of my story.

At the start of my adulthood, I spent 10 years with a very good man.  We were together from the ages of 20 to 30. We were both very career oriented, had great social lives, and were not thinking about children.  When I graduated from University, I wanted to invest in my work and my future. I felt if I had children young, it could interfere. In a way, it was a good decision, because after 10 years the relationship ended.  It was not an easy time, but it was the right choice. When a couple grows up together, sometimes their paths diverge. We parted ways.

After the split, I spent several years alone before I met my husband who has two sons to whom I am a step-mother.  I have a good relationship with them thankfully, of course with normal family ups and downs. They love me and accept me as family.  At the end of the day, however, I am not their mom and I will never expect to cultivate that type of attachment with them.  I am grateful that they are in my life, and I will always love them.

Despite having my husband’s sons in my life, my husband and I tried to have a child together.  It was a difficult decision for him as his kids were older, but he knew how important this was for me, and so he agreed. 

I could take you through a long story of miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy, and emergency surgery. For those who find themselves interested in this content, you have probably gone through these experiences yourselves, but for the reader who has not had to deal with childlessness, l will spare you the difficult details.

At first, I was very pragmatic about it all.  The body has a way of eliminating pregnancies that have complications.  I rationalized it. Miscarriage was nature’s way of fixing things. I could intellectualize and accept these facts, so we kept trying.  After all, miscarriages are common, even if women do not seem to talk about them much. I have a great OB/GYN who was very supportive and encouraging.  As time went on, however, and as my age advanced, it became clear that perhaps this wasn’t in the cards for us.

After the final loss, which came with middle of the night life-saving surgery, I made the decision that I was done trying.  Between my age, health, and emotional response, it was time to accept things and move forward. It was not a hard decision. It was the right one for me as it came easily because I knew it was time to stop trying.  At least I told myself that I was good and forged ahead with life.

What I did not realize was that in my bid to be strong, positive, and constructive with my life – as my own mother had always taught me to be through strife – a grief sat inside me that I ignored.  I had feelings of fear, envy, disappointment, and sometimes anger. I pushed that all down inside. I would not accept self-pity. I have a wonderful husband, a fabulous career doing what I love, friends and family around me…there was NO reason for me to dwell.  While I told myself I was moving forward, those emotions stood still inside me, like an airplane in a holding pattern waiting to land. 

Eventually, those emotions started to make themselves known more easily.  If I saw a commercial for baby food or diapers, I would start to cry, sometimes even sob.  Commercials about healthy eating and being role models to children would make me change the channel immediately.  Anything that had to do with parenting suddenly brought those emotions to the surface and they were intense. Because I ignored them for so long, the emotions were almost explosive.  I was alone at home one night watching a movie about a woman who had a miscarriage. I broke down and realized, the feelings weren’t going away. As hard as I tried to accept and to be strong, I had to give these feelings their space and to deal with them.

That’s when I started to look for a support group. 

I needed to connect with others in order validate that this was not just me dwelling on things or feeling sorry for myself.  As I began my search for people sharing similar experiences of childlessness, I quickly found Childless not by Choice with Civilla Morgan. Immediately, I realized how many women go through this very challenging life outcome.  I read story after story of women feeling EXACTLY like I did! I was not alone, and I had felt completely alone for so long – by my own doing I might add, as I refused to even discuss my journey with anyone. Reading the posts of other women as they shared the very emotions that I was struggling with was incredibly impactful.  It lightened the burden somehow.

These emotions, the loss, the mourning, it’s all very personal.  But that does not mean that there isn’t a group out there that cannot at least share, even if indirectly, with your pain.  That is the point of this very short blog. If you are reading this, and continue to keep those emotions to yourself, being strong, being an Island…stop.  Reach out, even if just to read about others, and to support them too. Helping others helps us heal, and others want to do the same by supporting us. There are no circumstances in the world that are so unique that someone isn’t there to share or want you to share and empathize.

If you have ever flown on a plane, the flight attendants always say that if the oxygen mask comes down out of the panel above you, that you should always put your mask on first, before helping others.  This is true when it comes to problems in life. You cannot help others if you do not help yourself first. I’ve learned that now, and I am so much better for it. Still sad, and some days still struggle, but never again alone.

 

Mothers Day

1x
0:00
0:00

 

 

Episode 82–Adopt for the right reasons

Thank you for visiting Childless not by Choice.

Remember to help me get the word out by telling your friends about the show. Feel free to share with your social media followers!

Well, my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

 

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

 

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

  • Jordan Morgan

 

As I conducted the research for this episode, I got to thinking, you know, the decision to adopt is like just about any other decision that you make with forethought, common sense, and planning.

I mean what to have for lunch does not take much planning at least for the most part unless you are planning a special lunch.

Planning what route to take to get to a special event may take some research and then some planning, but it should be figured out quickly.

Then decisions can become gradually more difficult. Where to live, should you buy or rent, date this person, marry that person. Those take much more research and planning. At least they should.

But bringing a child into your life via adoption, how much thought should you put into that?

Did you think about the child during the process, the child’s personality, the child’s racial or ethnic background; or were you thinking about getting the funding together to complete the adoption?

Did you think about whether you would tell the child he or she was adopted if he or she was the same race as you?

What if you ended up having a biological baby, would you still love the adopted child the same way?

How would your family treat the adopted child?

Did you think about behavioral issues as the child matured?

Would you feel guilt over regretting that you adopted the child?

 

When you think about it, it’s much like getting engaged and planning a wedding right? Yeah, I know, I’ve never been married, but indulge me. Allow me to exercise common sense and the marriages I witness daily.

If you are married, did you do any soul-searching, marriage counseling, therapy-seeking, talking to couples who have been married for a million years before you said, ‘I do’? Or did you jump in feet first because it was time?

And in either case, soul-searching or jumping in feet first, did the marriage still have rocky roads, speed bumps, and brick walls, or was it smooth sailing?

Hint: whether you did the pre-marital things or not, there will still be rocky roads, speed bumps, and brick walls. But hopefully, you married someone who is all in, like you. Are you all in for the adoption?  

OK, I will let you think about those questions. back to adopting a child. (pause) Well, wait. (pause) Did you consider the child? (pause)

Or did you just consider your feelings, the ones that emanate from within as well as the ones society put upon you?  You know, like I mentioned earlier, it is just time and since you can’t have one of your own, you will just adopt.

I know, by now some of you are probably mad at me, calling me a hater because I did not have a child. You know, that one child, that little boy I always talk about. Yes, I thought I would have a little boy. I even had a name picked out for him.

But I will tell you that I also attempted to adopt on two different occasions. So, you may think me a hater. But I will tell you I never considered any of the above questions I mentioned above.  I just felt it was time, husband or not, it was time to have a child—of my own or by adoption. Society and my thoughts were weighing on me continually.

There was a battlefield going on in my mind constantly! ‘You know you’re the only one who doesn’t have a child don’t you?’ ‘People are watching you, and the wonder what is wrong with you’.  One of my worst thought battles was ‘people feel sorry for you, they are pitying you’. But there were good thoughts too, I really wanted to nurture and train up a child. I wanted to pour into a child so badly. I wanted to read bedtime stories, teach my child how to read especially since I started reading at an early age. I wanted to teach my child how to live in and be able to interact with anyone anywhere. I wanted to teach my child class because we all know you can’t buy class. I wanted to teach him or her that love of family was important, and love of God was foremost.

But none of that happened, because I never had the child, and I never got to adopt.         

I only thought about my need to nurture a child. I only thought about how society must have viewed me, and probably still does. Husbandless, childless, weird, non-conformist, anti-establishment. You know the establishment. Get married, have children and ‘settle down’ like normal people.

And when I attempted to explain that I just never met the right man, I would be told to just settle. Just take what I can get and get into alignment with society’s norms. Then I realized I do not owe anyone an explanation.

I am not asking you not to adopt. There are a lot of beautiful children around the world who need love, nurturing, and guidance.  I am simply asking you to think about the reasons for your decision to adopt. Consider all aspects of the adoption.

Consider the child.

And then consider this:

What would adopting a child do for you?

What would you do if you were not allowed to adopt—i.e., turned down by an agency, not enough money, not enough income, etc.?

What are your alternatives if you were turned down?

There is a saying here in the US, ‘check your heart’.  What is your heart saying about adopting? Really.

 

 

Notes and corrections:

The exam was 250 questions with eight hours to finish, not 125 questions.

The verse I was trying to remember: “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”—Luke [6:45]

 

 

Content mentioned in the episode:

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/falling-through-the-cracks/

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/elderly-childless-ready/

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-70-waiting-wombs-trust-my-interview-with-founder-hadassa-trip/

 

https://www.pinterest.com/Civilla1/

 

 

Links/sites used for research:

https://adoption.com/forums/thread/373947/the-right-reasons-to-adopt/

 

https://www.babble.com/pregnancy/14-reasons-you-shouldnt-adopt/

 

 

Articles of interest:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5463967/Childless-couple-parents-adopt-nine-siblings.html

 

https://www.tuko.co.ke/267894-they-dont-children-kambua-speaks-trolled-pregnant.html#267894

 

 

 

 

 

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @joyandrelevance

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM (https://www.pinterest.com/Civilla1/)

 

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

 

Please help me out by taking this very short survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

 

Until next time! Bye!

Episode 81–Take a tour of our new community!

Hello everyone!

Thank you for visiting another episode of Childless not by Choice! Thank you for listening! Thank you to my repeat listeners. And if you are listening for the first time, thank you! I hope you will come back for another visit!

Remember to help me get the word out by telling your friends about the show! Share the show with your social media platforms!

Well, my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

 

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

 

https://www.patreon.com/

 

  • Jordan Morgan

 

 

Well, our childless not by choice platform is transforming right before our eyes. It has become a community! What is the difference you ask? Well, we are currently a series of Facebook groups and Facebook pages. There is the Childless not by choice with Civilla Morgan Facebook Closed group which was created for women only. Then there is the Childless not by choice Supporters group with Civilla Morgan Facebook group, and then there are pages like 21st Century Hannah and Friends who love BooksbyCivillaMorgan, and the list goes on!

Well, we are moving into our own space, on the website! Yes, if you visit http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net right now, you will notice some major changes. If you have never been there, you will not recognize the difference. So, no worries. In either case, this episode was created to give you a tour, so here we go!

  • Visit the website
  • Discuss the home screen—tabs and navigation
  • Log in with FB credentials of create user id and password
  • Visit the Lounge and the other current and future groups/rooms
  • Discuss the current and future forums  
  • The platform will always be for and about the childless not by choice woman, but that there are different nuances to childless not by choice issues.
  • Discuss resources— 
  • Discuss the paid member section

 

“Everyone is on one road, but a different path. And no path is easy. Never allow anyone to discount your path.”–Civilla  

 

What do you think of this article?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-5431227/Women-older-mums-likely-kids.html

 

 

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @joyandrelevance

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

  

Please help me out by taking this very short survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

  

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

 Until next time! Bye!

Childlessness is not what defines me

‘It takes a village to a raise a child.’ – African Proverb

I think a lot of kids grow up playing house and dreaming that someday they will have children of their own.  As a child, I believed the same.  The oldest of eight children, I grew up in a religion that is very family oriented. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I, of course, said a mom.

In 1999, I married a wonderful man. We decided to wait a bit before children. But a few years later I found out my lower back was broken, and I would never be able to carry a child. I was heartbroken, and became angry and bitter, crying when people told me they were pregnant. Mother’s Day was very hard, and I dreaded the question ‘when are you having children?’ I was frustrated with God for giving me a broken body.

One day I prayed and asked God to provide me the opportunity to influence a child. I knew I would have been a good mother and had so much to offer children. Be careful what you pray for. At the time, I was so focused on me and my sadness I did not stop to think how many children I was already helping.

Looking back on who influenced who I am today, yes, my parents did. But it was also church leaders, teachers, aunts, and uncles. I decided I wanted to be that person in someone else’s life. That decision lead me to start a small business teaching children to sew. I am a 5th-grade teachers aide and I also help in the after school 4-H program teaching sewing. 

I help in my local church groups. And I know I make a difference in the children’s lives. They have taught me that helping any child is a huge blessing, and doing so has filled that void for me.

It does take a village to raise a child. There was a choice to be made. I could either spend my life angry or be part of that village. I believe it is a blessing to help any child we encounter.
And I also realized being angry at others who have children, or angry at children isn’t how I wanted to live.  Just because I can’t have children does not mean others should not.  A child that I bare does not define me. How I treat other people and children does define me.

Today, I have a good life with my husband and two fur babies. Is every day easy? No, but I am learning to love me and the life that I have.

Episode 80—Are you being insensitive?

Hello everyone! Civilla Morgan here! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

 

  • Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

 

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

  • Jordan Morgan

 

Well, are you being insensitive? Here is how to know:

 

1) Of all the places to sit and talk about whether you and your husband want another child, you choose to sit directly in front of or within hearing distance of your childless not by choice family member.

 

2) You mention or directly tell your childless not by choice friend or family member that it took so long to have your baby (a whole year) that you understand how they feel.

3) You wonder out loud how a woman can be so selfish as to not want babies when you do not know WHY a woman does not have babies.

 

4) You tell a childless not by choice woman that she does not understand because she does not have children (because Lord knows the common-sense part of our brains is underdeveloped until we have children).

5) You do and say things to or in front of a childless not by choice woman to get a reaction.

6) You tell a childless not by choice woman that it just was not God’s will for you to have children (as you chase yours around the house).

7) You tell a childless not by choice woman that she can have yours or that she should be happy she does not have kids because they are a lot of work.

8) Contributed by Stacy– ‘when family members lack understanding and empathy for what you have gone through or are going through in your childlessness.’

 

If you are reading this and you are childless not by choice, please visit my website, http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net, click the Resource tab, and you will find PDF content to help you along your journey.

 

 My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @joyandrelevance

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

 

Please help me out by taking this very short survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

Thank you for listening! 

Until next time! Bye!

Welcome to February, the month of love!

Are you subscribed to the Newsletter? Read below for a snippet, and Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

Let’s face it, not all of us are in a relationship. Not all of us will celebrate Valentine’s Day with that significant other over a candlelit dinner.

Not all of us have little people to buy cards and chocolates for. BUT, we are still valid and valuable. I hope you have relationships where you feel valued, and where you value someone else. Whether that is a best friend, a sibling, a parent, or nieces and nephews.

Those are all valued and beautiful relationships. Do not take them for granted!

Episode 79–part two, 11 Childless not by Choice Women who Changed the World

Hello everyone! Civilla Morgan here! Welcome back to Childless, not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

 

  • Thank you to my Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally.

 

  • Podcaster Sarah Williams of The Tough Girls Podcast
  • Jordan Morgan

 

Click the link below to become my next Patreon Subscriber:

 

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

Welcome to part two of 10, 11 Childless not by Choice women who Changed the World

In this segment, we start the list with famed French Chef Julia Child!

Popular TV chef and author Julia Child was born on August 15, 1912, in Pasadena, California. In 1948, she moved to France where she developed a penchant for French cuisine. With a goal of adapting sophisticated French cuisine for mainstream Americans, she collaborated on a two-volume cookbook called Mastering the Art of French Cooking, which was considered groundbreaking, and has since become a standard guide for the culinary community. She also became a television icon with her popular cooking shows such as The French Chef

Child lived a privileged childhood. She was educated at San Francisco’s elite Katherine Branson School for Girls, where—at a towering height of 6 feet, 2 inches—she was the tallest student in her class. She was a lively prankster who, as one friend recalled, could be “really, really wild.” She was also adventurous and athletic, with talent in golf, tennis and small-game hunting.

 

In 1993, she was rewarded for her work when she became the first woman inducted into the Culinary Institute Hall of Fame. In November 2000, following a 40-year career that has made her name synonymous with fine food and a permanent among the world’s most famous chefs, Julia received France’s highest honor: The Legion d’Honneur. And in August 2002, the Smithsonian’s National Museum of American History unveiled an exhibit featuring the kitchen, where she filmed three of her popular cooking shows.

Child died in August 2004 of kidney failure at her assisted-living home in Montecito, two days before her 92nd birthday. Child had no intentions of slowing down, even in her final days. “In this line of work…you keep right on till you’re through,” she said. “Retired people are boring. “After her death Child’s last book, the autobiography My Life in France was published with the help of Child’s great nephew, Alex Prud’homme. The book, which centered on how Child discovered her true calling, became a best seller.

(My notes on Julia Child: Did you get that? Her autobiography was ‘centered on how Child discovered her true calling…’ have you discovered your true calling yet, because you have one.

https://www.biography.com/people/julia-child-9246767

 

Harriet Tubman (1822–1913) was an escaped slave who became a leading figure in the abolitionist movement. Harriet Tubman also served as a spy for the US army during the civil war and was an active participant in the struggle for women’s suffrage, an iconic symbol of courage and resistance to injustice, inspiring many generations of civil rights activists.

Tubman helped rescue over 70 slaves, in about 13 expeditions (and offering advice to many more). She often traveled in the darker winter months, making it easier to travel incognito by night. Because of the dangers on the road, she always took a revolver with her. She was also willing to use it to threaten any escaped slave who wished to go back because she knew returning would endanger all the escapees. She was proud never to lose an escaping slave on her expeditions. In April 2016, it was announced she would figure on the US $20 bill.

https://www.biographyonline.net/women/harriet-Tubman-biography.html

 

Eva Peron served as Argentina’s First lady from 1946 to 1952.  Eva Peron or ‘Evita’ became a powerful political figure with a large support base amongst the poor and working-class trade union members. She inspired millions with her campaigns to help the poor and give women the right to vote.

To her supporters, she was a saint who strove to overcome poverty and injustice. To her detractors (in the nation’s military and bourgeoisie) she was a controversial figure at the heart of Argentinian politics. Eva Peron remains an important symbol of emancipation, especially for women in Latin America. She was one of the first women to create a lasting political/humanitarian legacy. Christina Fernandez, the first female elected President of Argentina, claims that women of her generation owe a debt to Eva for “her example of passion and combativeness”.

http://www.biographyonline.net/politicians/american/eva-peron.html

 

Cicely Tyson is an award-winning film, television and stage actress. She is known for choosing quality roles that send positive messages to women of color.

Cicely Tyson was born in New York City on December 19, 1924 (although some believe her birth year to be 1933). She built a successful career by carefully choosing roles that exemplified quality and depth. She has won accolades and awards for her performances on TV, stage and in film, with credits including SounderRootsThe Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman and The Help. Tyson has won two Emmy Awards and a Tony Award, among other honors, over the course of her acting career. She was inducted into the Black Filmmakers Hall of Fame in 1977.

Tyson grew up in Harlem, New York. At the age of 18, she walked away from a typing job and began modeling. Tyson was then drawn to acting, though she had not been permitted to go to plays or movies as a child. When she got her first acting job, her religious mother, feeling that Tyson was choosing a sinful path, kicked her out of their home.

Despite her mother’s initial disapproval (the two didn’t speak for two years before reconciling), Tyson found success as an actress, appearing onstage, in movies and on TV.

Tyson was nominated for an Academy Award for 1972’s Sounder. She also portrayed notable roles on television, including Kunta Kinte’s mother in the adaptation of Alex Haley’s Roots and the title role in The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman, which earned Tyson an Emmy Award in 1974. Moving to Broadway in 1983, Tyson was the lead in The Corn Is Green, a play set in a Welsh mining town.

However, Tyson’s career trajectory wasn’t a smooth one; at times, she had trouble simply finding work. She flatly refused to do “blaxploitation” films or to take parts solely for the paycheck and was selective about the roles she chose. As she explained in a 1983 interview, “Unless a piece really said something, I had no interest in it. I have got to know that I have served some purpose here.”

Through the years, Tyson has kept much of her personal life—including her birth year—under wraps. One known personal detail is that Tyson was married to Miles Davis for seven years in the 1980s.

Though other information about her life is scant, Tyson has a well-known commitment to community involvement. She co-founded the Dance Theater of Harlem after Martin Luther King Jr.’s assassination, and when a school board in East Orange, New Jersey, wanted to name a performing arts schools after her, she only agreed to accept the honor if she could participate in school activities. In addition to attending meetings and events, Tyson has even taught a master class at the school.

Tyson has received numerous acting awards and nominations and became a member of the Black Filmmakers Hall of Fame in 1977. She has also been honored by the Congress of Racial Equality and by the National Council of Negro Women. And in 2010, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People presented Tyson with its 95th Spingarn Medal—an award given to African Americans who have reached outstanding levels of achievement.

In 2015 Tyson was nominated for an Emmy for her guest starring role in ABC’s How to Get Away With Murder and was a recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors. The following year, she was honored with the Presidential Medal of Freedom by Barack Obama.

For more information on Cicely Tyson, click the link below:

https://www.biography.com/people/cicely-tyson-9512950

(my notes on Cicely Tyson: Did you get that? ‘However, Tyson’s career trajectory wasn’t a smooth one; at times, she had trouble simply finding work. She flatly refused to do “blaxploitation” films, or to take parts solely for the paycheck, and was selective about the roles she chose.’

QUOTES:

“I feel so guilty about the state of young people today. And I say that because our generation fought for everything. We fought to sit down at a counter, to sit on a bus. They were left with nothing to fight for.”

—Cicely Tyson

 NOTE: In the episode, I said she was born in the same part of the world I was. I meant to say her family is from the same part of the world where I was born, The Caribbean.

 

 

Dian Fossey was born in San Francisco, Calif., in 1932. Her parents divorced when she was young, so Dian grew up with her mother and stepfather. By all accounts, she was an excellent student and was extremely interested in animals from a very young age. At age 6, she began horseback riding lessons and in high school earned a letter on the riding team.

When Dian enrolled in college courses at Marin Junior College, she chose to focus on business, following the encouragement of her stepfather, a wealthy businessman. She worked while in school, and at age 19, on the summer break following her freshman year of college, she went to work on a ranch in Montana. At the ranch, she fell in love with and developed an attachment to the animals, but she was forced to leave early when she contracted chicken pox.

Even so, the experience convinced Dian to follow her heart and return to school as a pre-veterinary student at the University of California. She found some of the chemistry and physics courses quite challenging, and ultimately, she turned her focus to a degree in occupational therapy at San Jose State College, from which she graduated in 1954.

 

She spent many years longing to visit Africa and realized that if her dream were to be realized, she would have to take matters into her own hands. Therefore, in 1963, Dian took out a bank loan and began planning her first trip to Africa. She hired a driver by mail and prepared to set off to the land of her dreams.

 

It took Dian Fossey’s entire life savings, in addition, a bank loan, to make her dream a reality. In September 1963, she arrived in Kenya. 

 Following her visit to the Virungas, Dian remained in Africa a while longer, staying with friends in Rhodesia. Upon arriving home in Kentucky, she resumed her work at Kosair Children’s Hospital, in order to repay the loan she had taken out for her trip to Africa – all the while dreaming of the day she would return.

 

In 1980, Dian moved to Ithaca, New York, as a visiting associate professor at Cornell University. She used the time away from Karisoke to focus on the manuscript for her book, “Gorillas in the Mist.” Published in 1983, the book is an account of her years in the rainforest with the mountain gorillas. Most importantly, it underscores the need for concerted conservation efforts. The book was well received and, like the movie of the same name remains popular to this day.

 

Dian had not been back in Rwanda long when, a few weeks before her 54th birthday, she was murdered. Her body was found in her cabin on the morning of Dec. 27, 1985. She was struck twice on the head and face with a machete. There was evidence of forced entry but no signs that robbery had been the motive.

 

Please click the link below for more information on Dian Fossey.

 

https://gorillafund.org/who-we-are/dian-fossey/dian-fossey-bio/

 

Quote: “There was no way that I could explain to dogs, friends, or parents my compelling need to return to Africa to launch a long-term study of the gorillas. Some may call it destiny and others may call it dismaying. I call the sudden turn of events in my life fortuitous.” — “Gorillas in the Mist”

 

“When you realize the value of all life, you dwell less on what is past and concentrate on the preservation of the future.” — “Gorillas in the Mist”

 

Women I also found interesting, but I promised 10! Feel free to check out the biographyonline.net site if you would like to learn more about these women! 

Ginger Rogers

Betsy Ross

Helen Keller

Kathryn Johanna Kuhlman

Bonnie Raitt

 

Is there a woman who did not make the list? Let me know. I would love to do a follow up to this episode as I believe it is such an encouragement to see these women did not fold their arms and check out of society.

 

Below are two links that list men and women down through history, who never had children:

http://nkohk.forumotion.net/t16-the-long-list-of-childfree-and-childless-in-history

http://brianhassett.com/2010/06/people-who-dont-have-kids/

 

Used for research purposes, some of these women did have children:

http://www.biographyonline.net/people/women-who-changed-world.html

 

 

Articles of note:

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/opinion/columnists/berejiklian-gillard-may-merkel-power-to-childless-women/news-story/004e9d8eaf2940ba43ce39d3bd86fc3b

 

  • If you haven’t already joined the Facebook group, you are missing a lot of great conversation, commiseration, and encouragement. There are women in there from all around the world who have found a great place to encourage and be encouraged! Come on in and join the conversation!
  • I am working on courses just for you. Right now, ’10 Days to Setting Kind but Firm Boundaries is available when you go to the website and click on the Courses tab. It costs just $29.97 to realize what it takes and how to create kind but firm boundaries.
  • Visit the website, explore, and don’t forget to visit the Resources tab where you can download free PDF content.  

 

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @civilla1

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

 

Please help me out by taking this very short survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

In Closing: Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

Until next time! Bye!