Building a New Dream

In every Childless Not by Choice (CNBC) online support group, I’ve seen the question: “Is it possible to find happiness after being CNBC?” A year ago, I believed it was possible, but I couldn’t say that I knew how to get there. Today, I can say that it all came down to building a new dream.

In 2016, my husband and I chose to accept that we were going to be a family of two. 2016 had been a difficult year coming to terms with being childless. As I was closing the door on 2016, I was looking forward to opening a new door in 2017.

My husband and I began to talk about what we wanted for our future, knowing that we needed to create a new dream together. We talked about what we valued, and all the things that no longer mattered. Our three-bedroom home in the family-oriented suburbs seemed too big.  It no longer fit the new life we wanted to build together.  We both fell in love with a city 12 hours away where we could minimize our lifestyle, travel more, and have a life that matched our values.  We have a few things to accomplish before we can move there, but we will make that dream come true!

In building our dream together, I also realized a dream for myself, something I needed to accomplish just for me.  If motherhood wasn’t in the cards, I was going to go back to school and pursue my master’s degree.  When I graduated from university in 1998, there was a fork in the road.  I chose love, marriage, and family; and left behind a dream to further my education.  Since my family became a family of two, I decided to go back to that fork in the road and fulfill the other dream.  In just a couple of weeks, I begin my first class! 

In walking my childless path, building new dreams has given me a new sense of hope and a chance to accomplish something different.  My husband and I found something that we both value, something that would sustain us, together.  I will always quietly mourn the children I dreamed of, but the dreams we’ve built will allow the two of us to live a happy and fulfilled life, because it’s ours, and we chose it together!

Robyn,

Canada

Guest Blogger

(PLEASE NOTE: any responses to guest blogs will be forwarded to the guest blogger.)

Episode 70–Waiting Wombs Trust, My Interview with Founder Hadassa Trip

Hello everyone, Civilla Morgan here!

Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life; although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

Remember to tell your friends about the show, and feel free to share and re-share to your social media followers! I would appreciate that!

Thank you’s:

  • Thank you for your FB re-shares and your Twitter comments and re-tweets. It is always appreciated.

 

  • Individual thank you’s:

 

  • Shout outs: Thank you to those who have purchased a copy of my devotional or taken the course, ’10 Days to Creating Kind but Firm Boundaries’. Every penny received goes right back into the platform.

 

  • Thank you to my Patreon Supporters! You all encourage me to keep on keeping on!

Money received is used for:

  • Monthly payment to my podcast distributor.
  • Monthly payments to my Podcast Producer.
  • Podcasting equipment such as microphones, headphones, paid recording software, etc.
  • Purchase and maintenance of a classroom for future online courses.
  • Website maintenance.

 

Hadassa says “I founded Waiting Wombs Trust, an organization that brings together couples, women, men who have walked the child waiting journey and succeeded on are still in wait. We also create awareness about childlessness.

We support such by sharing experiences, encouraging and waiting together.

We have also partnered with some doctors to help needy cases or just waiting wombs in general. Childless couples and mostly women go through a lot.”

 

Interview questions: 

  • Tell us why you chose the name Waiting Wombs project, tell us about the project.
  • Tell us about your Facebook Group. It’s a large group! Are most of the people from the continent, are they based in Kenya?
  • How do the men deal with the group, are they involved at all?
  • How long has the Waiting Womb project been in existence?
  • How do you encourage women and couples who are waiting?
  • Do you get the ‘why don’t you just adopt?’ question over there? And do you get unwanted commentary from strangers and family?
  • How do you overcome moments of sadness?

 

Hadassa’s Contact information:

 http://www.waitingwombstrust.org

hadassa@waitingwombstrust.org

Facebook: Waiting wombs (ww)

 

Closing:

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. If you found value in this episode, or the podcast and platform in general, feel free to visit the donation jar on the website, stop by iTunes and leave me a rating and review, and of course tell a friend. 

If you would like to make a regular donation to the platform, visit my Patreon page and get set up. Every donation will go back into the platform. $1.00, $5.00, $10.00, any amount is appreciated!

Thank you to my current Patreon Supporters:

  • Podcaster Sarah Williams of The Tough Girls Podcast
  • Jordan Morgan

Click the link below to become my next Patreon Subscriber

https://www.patreon.com/21stcenturyhannah

  

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @joyandrelevance

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

 

Please take a moment to take this survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

Until next time, bye! 

 

Living with Endometriosis

Click the link below for details on living with Endometriosis.

10 Tips for living with Endometriosis

 

http://Be sure it is indeed Endometriosis. Get a second opinion as it has sometimes been diagnosed as IBS—irritable bowel syndrome, among other things.

I am posting the following links so that you can do additional research if you would like. These links can also be found in the show notes of Episode 59—Endometriosis:

 

Civilla M. Morgan

civilla@civillamorgan.com

www.childlessnotbychoice.net

Podcast: Childless not by Choice

Copyright 2017©

(Please do not share or make changes to this information.)

August/September 2017

Tips For Coping With Miscarriage

Click the link below for tips on coping with miscarriage.

10 Tips for Coping with Miscarriage

 

 

Visit these websites for further research: (these links and more information is also available in the show notes of Episode 60—Miscarriage) 

https://www.verywell.com/making-sense-of-miscarriage-statistics-2371721

https://search.cdc.gov/search?query=miscarriage&utf8=%E2%9C%93&affiliate=cdc-main

These podcast episodes may help as you navigate through miscarriage:  

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/mental-health-in-the-childless-not-by-choice-community-my-interview-with-psychologist-dr-shari-ann-james/

 http://childlessnotbychoice.net/menopause-infertility-childlessness-my-interview-with-dr-emine-cay-masters/

 

Civilla M. Morgan

civilla@civillamorgan.com

www.childlessnotbychoice.net

Podcast: Childless not by Choice

Copyright 2017©

(Please do not share or make changes to this information.)

August/September 2017

Facebook.com/childlessnotbychoice
Twitter=@civilla1
Instagram= @joyand relevance
Pinterest=Civilla M. Morgan

 

Episode 69–How to Live not just exist, after a crisis

Hello, everyone! Civilla Morgan here! Welcome back to Childless, not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

Please remember to tell your friends about the show and share episodes to your social media followers! I would appreciate that!

 

Well, today I have a special guest, and I am so excited! You know how some people come into your life and you are just so happy they exist? That’s how I feel about this special young lady, she is just beautiful inside and out! Let me tell you a more about her before we get started:   

Valerie Zollinger is a Certified Professional Speaker, Best-Selling Author and Leader. Her unique blend of passion, authenticity and extensive understanding of human behavior results in enlightening and engaging presentations for audiences. She is known as the “Light Giver” for her great strength, compassion, and desire to spread a message of hope in the face of any challenge or adversity.

 

Valerie received her Bachelor’s and Master’s Degrees in Social Work from the University of Central Florida. She has ten years of experience working with people from diverse backgrounds in various settings including mental health, hospitals, and dialysis clinics. She has helped thousands of people make positive changes in their lives. Valerie prides herself on being a loving and accepting person. She has had a passion for writing and for helping others since she was a child.

 

Valerie is a successful business owner with Arbonne International and a team leader. She is the President of the Board for the Bereaved Survivors of Homicide, Inc., and a member of the Junior League of Greater Orlando. Her vision is a world where all people know and understand that a healthy, powerful body leads to a healthy, powerful life. Valerie’s mission is to inspire others to make the changes necessary in their lives to step into their greatness.

 

Welcome Valerie:

 

Let’s get started! You have done this talk several times, and I am honored that you are sharing it with us today!  I just know that the childless not by choice community will gain help and healing just by hearing your story, and by listening as you explain the five F’s to us today! I know I did!

  

Finance-

Faith-

Forgiveness-

Friends & Family-

Fitness-

 

In the episode, I mentioned a previous episode where I interviewed CFP Reshell Smith. Here is a link to that episode on finance for women around the world: 

 

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/childless-not-by-choice-reshell-smith-interview-finance-for-women-around-the-world/

 

 

Closing:

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. If you found value in this episode, or the podcast and platform in general, feel free to visit the donation jar on the website, stop by iTunes and leave me a rating and review, and of course tell a friend. 

 

Valerie’s contact information:

Contact Valerie at Valerie@valeriezollinger.com or (407) 342-6481. Visit her websites: valeriezollinger.com and valeriesmith5.arbonne.com.

 

My contact information:

 

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @joyandrelevance

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

  

Please take a moment to take this survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

Until next time, bye! 

Is Childlessness a Crisis?

What does crisis mode mean to you? I believe it means something bad has happened or is about to happen to an individual or group of people.

I Googled the word Crisis, and this is what I found:

  • a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger.
  • “a crisis point of history”a time when a difficult or important decision must be made.
  • The turning point of a disease when an important change takes place, indicating either recovery or death.

That last point is intense.  ‘…indicating either recovery or death.’ Death is not always literal. Do you think a woman who finds out she will never have a child could go into crisis mode? Do you think she could die without dying, just checking out of the rest of her life?

I asked that question on Reddit, ‘could finding out you will not be able to have children send you into crisis mode?’ I got one response: ‘humbly, no.’

I respect that opinion. But I believe we are all guilty of the fact that we do not think deeply enough about most issues or most questions we are asked.  To be fair, I did not ask this on Reddit, but what if the woman’s marriage, livelihood, even her safety, depends on whether she had a child or not? Could it be a crisis then? 

Consider this: A landslide in a faraway land killing hundreds of people is sad. We feel bad for the survivors who lost loved ones and now must rebuild. But unless we were in the middle of that landslide, feeling bad about the situation is about all we can do. Jumping on a plane and going to help any way we could, might be a bit much and most likely unaffordable for most of us.  Besides, isn’t that what organizations like The Red Cross is for?

If we think about all the very sad and scary situations going on in the world right now, we could become overwhelmed, maybe even immobilized or depressed, right? Don’t we have enough to deal with in our own lives?

By now you are probably asking ‘what does she want me to do about any of the world’s situations, or about the woman who cannot have children? Good question, because really, what can you do. It is her problem. We can feel sorry for her, but that would be about all we could do. And besides, how is a woman in danger because she cannot have children, why would she be in danger just from being childless?

Most of us do not realize that in 2017, it could be dangerous for a woman to not be able to bear a child.  Living in the Western world, a childless woman can, for the most part, go through life unscathed by the shame, fear, and stigma of being childless.  She would most likely not be beaten by her husband, divorced, or shamed by her husband’s family.  

Sometimes we miss what is going on in the rest of the world because we are just too busy with our own lives. And to be fair, that is a worldwide phenomenon.  We think the rest of the world operates like our world, our country.  And honestly, most times we just cannot be concerned with an issue that does not resonate with us.  That may be viewed as selfish, but I do not think that is the case. Life is short, and we just cannot pick up the sword for every cause.

But may I suggest that though we cannot pay attention to every issue, every cause, that we can at least be aware. We can put ourselves in that person’s shoes even as we go about our day and about our lives.  We could at least empathize. I believe awareness and empathy make us more human.  And being more human makes us less mean, less hateful, and even less scornful.

Scorn. Not a word we hear very often. But it tends to happen when we look down on someone who does not could not have the thing or things we have, with contempt.  The thing about contempt is that life has a way of taking turns.  We could end up in the very situation for which we had contempt.

May I suggest that as we make our way through life, let us remember to be kind, empathetic, and aware.

Episode 68–Is Childlessness a Crisis? Caplan’s Theory of Crisis

Hello, everyone! Civilla Morgan here! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

                                                        

Thank you’s:

  • Thank you for your FB re-shares and your Twitter comments and re-tweets. It is always appreciated.

 

  • Individual thank you’s if any:

Thank you, Lily, for your email thanking me for the newsletter and for the podcast. That means a lot to me as I continue to create content for us.

 

Remember, you may register for the newsletter or listen to any podcast episode by simply visiting http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net. I have created and am creating content for you on a regular basis, and it’s all on the website.

Well, today I am going to discuss a subject of which I knew nothing, but for which I use regularly as my platform’s byline.  It’s a funny thing about not knowing what we don’t know, isn’t it? 

All through the platform, in all my intros, I say that ‘you can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life.’ Never realizing that thought process could possibly have its roots in a sociological or psychological process for coping.

As many of you know, I wanted children more than anything on this planet. I managed pain and embarrassment for a decade attempting to buy time to possibly have a child. Ultimately, it did not happen. I wanted to have a child or children with someone who would help me raise them. I really could not imagine raising a child by myself, although at one point in my 10-year journey I did consider IVF as I started to run out of time, and after two failed attempts at adoption. 

I finally scheduled the surgery that would end my physical pain, embarrassing monthly accidents, and any hope I had left, of ever having a child.   

I fought and struggled my way through sadness, bitterness, shame, fear, feeling like a second-class citizen, battling all the negative thoughts that tried to take up residence in my mind.

I made the decision, the choice; to journey to a place of acceptance and realization that I would not have the children and the lifestyle I had expected. I had to decide: what kind of life would I have? Would I allow myself to live as a self-imposed second-class, shamed, and embarrassed about my situation citizen? Or would I make the decision to speak out about my situation knowing there were millions of women experiencing a similar journey?  Women who were and are hiding in plain sight?

Would I be willing to face down the critics who asked why I could not just get over it, or my favorite…’why don’t you just adopt?’ Those of us in the childless not by choice community love that question. I think that’s our favorite question.    

Could I really convince women around the world, and men, that they really could live joyful and relevant lives? Would they believe me? Do I believe me?

Some days I believe it, some days I ask myself who am I kidding? I have my moments, especially around Mother’s Day, where I feel like I am fooling myself. It is around that time that I feel like a fraud.

http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-64-i-feel-like-a-fraud/ 

But the alternative was scary.  Depression, sadness, fear, bitterness, envy…I could not and cannot imagine living the rest of my life with those feelings as my narrative. There had to be an alternative.  

There will be moments of sadness weaved into the tapestry of our journey, but deep down, even during those moments when I feel like a fraud when I don’t believe me; I know I made the right choice. The choice to be relevant and joyful. The choice to help others.  I decided that the negative alternatives were just not an option. 

And remember, choice does not just happen. It is a process. There will be good days and there will be bad days. But underlying the ups and downs is the choice, the decision.  

So here is my point: It turns out that my byline of living a joyful and relevant life is much the same as Caplan’s Theory of Crises. What is Caplan’s Theory of Crises? I’m glad you asked:  

  

Caplan (1964) initially defined a crisis as occurring when individuals are confronted with problems that cannot be solved. These irresolvable issues result in an increase in tension, signs of anxiety, a subsequent state of emotional unrest, and an inability to function for extended periods. James and Gilliland (2005) define crises as events or situations perceived as intolerably difficult that exceed an individual’s available resources and coping mechanisms. Similarly, Roberts (2000) defines a crisis as “a period of psychological disequilibrium, experienced as a result of a hazardous event or situation that constitutes a significant problem that cannot be remedied by using familiar coping strategies” (p. 7). The Chinese translation of the word “crisis” consists of two separate characters, which paradoxically mean danger and opportunity (Greene, Lee, Trask, & Rheinscheld, 2000). Crisis intervention thus provides opportunities for clients to learn new coping skills while identifying, mobilizing, and enhancing those they already possess. The following are characteristics of crisis events:

  • The event precipitating the crisis is perceived as threatening.
  • There is an apparent inability to modify or reduce the impact of stressful events.
  • There is increased fear, tension, and/or confusion.
  • There is a high level of subjective discomfort.
  • A state of disequilibrium is followed by rapid transition to an active state of crisis.

 

 

Crisis Intervention is an immediate and short-term psychological care aimed at assisting individuals in a crisis situation to restore equilibrium to their biopsychosocial functioning and to minimize the potential for long-term psychological trauma.             

 

The two things I really liked about the above information: are the last sentence, and how the Chinese created two paradoxical characters to equate to crisis. 

*** It is so important to quickly work on minimizing the potential for long-term psychological trauma. Many people are afraid to go see a psychologist or psychiatrist, but it is important to see one immediately after a traumatic experience or crisis. 

In life, there will be trauma. There will be crisis. But there is also hope.  Which leads to the other thing I liked: the meaning of the Chinese two-character definition of crisis: danger and opportunity.  Those two words: danger and opportunity, are not typically used in the same sentence. But isn’t it wonderful that the Chinese thought of the possibility of hope even during trauma, during crisis? Even in crisis, there is hope.

Hope is what I hung onto for ten years, until my final surgery. I could have lost all hope after that surgery, but I decided to create a new hope. It didn’t happen overnight. Sometimes choice is a process.

You may have had to take a left turn. Maybe that IVF treatment failed yet again, and you cannot afford any more treatments.  Maybe you had to finally have a hysterectomy. Totally not what you had planned.  And while trying the treatments, or trying to hang onto that uterus, you had hope. But now that those hopes have been taken away, you must manifest a new set of hopes.

Life is a journey. You know that as well as I do. There will be ups and downs, back tracks, winding roads, fear, sadness, happiness, guilt, strengthening events, clueless people making clueless comments, and seemingly mentally weakening events. But throughout the entire journey, we must hang onto hope.     

I’ve put the Kaplan’s Theory of Crisis graph in the show notes.  It is a pictorial graph of the progression of how we deal with crisis: before, during, and after.

 

If you look at the graph, you will see how many of us are going along, managing life, pre-crisis. But during the crisis which I call the ‘glass half full or half empty’ visual, the affected person’s coping mechanism drops precipitously, but then there are three levels of recovery.

In the green level, you can see that the person recovered to higher than where they were before the crisis. Another person recovered to just about where they were or just a little lower.

But a third person’s coping capacity was seriously diminished. They did not recover per se, they either just checked out of life, or it would not take much to send them over the edge. Their mental, emotional, may be even physical state, is fragile.

I believe the hope that you may have held onto at the outset of the crisis, or a new-found hope post crisis, is what helps a person to recover above and beyond that seriously diminished capacity to cope.

This is how important hope is. So, I am asking you to hang onto hope or find a new hope if life did not turn out the way you expected. If you do not have that baby you hoped for. If you never have that baby. If you must watch women around you have child after child after child. Knowing some of them consider their children mistakes. Watching some of them give up their little girls out of tradition. Exchanging their children for that next drug induced hit. Even killing their children. 

I know I have asked you to do this in previous episodes, but I am going to ask you again: whenever you hear about or see these heartbreaking stories, pray for the child. Help where you can, and find new hope. Recover to higher than where you were pre-crisis. Do not allow this crisis to take you to a place of hopelessness and diminished capacity to cope. Have hope!         

 

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. If you found value in this episode, or the podcast and platform in general, feel free to visit the donation jar on the website, stop by iTunes and leave me a rating and review, and of course tell a friend.   

  

Citations:

https://uk.sagepub.com/sites/default/files/upm-binaries/14229_Chapter5.pdf

 

http://ptgmedia.pearsoncmg.com/images/9780132431774/downloads/jackson_ch1_overviewofcrisisintervention.pdf

 

Tags:

Suicide, childlessness, loss, barrenness, PCOS, miscarriage, infertility, fibroids,

 

My contact information:

Website: http://www.childlessnotbychoice.net and http://www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan

Twitter: @civilla1

Instagram: @joyandrelevance

Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM

LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM

 

Hashtags:

  #civillamorgan #21stcenturyhannah #childlessnotbychoice 

Remember to tell your friends about the show, and feel free to share to your social media followers! I would appreciate that!

 

Please take a moment to take this survey!

https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

 

Until next time, bye!